Monday, February 22, 2010

zen moments.

Ooh La La // Goldfrapp

Just finished watching a documentary called "Following Sean" about a man who grew up in the Haight/Ashbury district of San Francisco in the mid-to-late '60s. A good documentary is like a good meditation. It puts you in the moment of the subject. Like a home video from your own life, you're drawn into whatever moment was filmed, no matter how mundane. After watching, I feel zen. Makes me want to break out the video camera. Makes me observe the moment I'm in right now. A rare Monday off from work. I'll be starting my period in a few days

Oops!...I Did It Again // Britney Spears

so my breasts are sore and I'm wiped out. After the film, I attempt to take a nap. I felt guilty for skipping out on two arguably "better" things I could be doing with my time at this moment (taxes-had plans with my mom to do so at 530pm and working out-at school with my intended). But now, I'm thinking, "Why should I feel guilty?" My life, really, couldn't be better. I have everything I could ever want, and the means of acquiring any new desire. I've never had a full-time job in my life

Open Book // Cake

but I work part-time, I have a wonderful fiance, I go to school full-time and get pretty reasonable grades, I have good friends and a great relationship with my immediate (being grandparents, mom, and sister in my case) family. I live in a three-bedroom house and have 5 wonderful animals (two ferrets, two dogs, and a cat) that I lovelovelove. We have a gigantic backyard which we will get married in later this year. I'm majoring in a subject (psychology) that has many possibilities. I've had my job at the library for more than 5 years and I love my coworkers and, though I alternate my thoughts about the general public I deal with at the library, I generally like being a part of my community

Operator // Real McCoy

in this way. I see EVERYONE at the library. The general culture in America tries to make you feel bad about living in your hometown and near your family, but I live next door to the house I grew up in, and I love it. I have everything (basic needs, ipod, wii, computer, great stereo, furniture, clothes, money saved for wedding and future road trips) that I have worked for and will continue to do so throughout my life cycle. I can take care of myself. I love my friends. Right now I'm sitting in a room I've decorated myself that includes a bookshelf full of wonderful books, '70s wallpaper, an awesome orange la-z-boy I'll probably have until the day I die, and every element I've put my personality into. Every element of everything I've ever done

Opus 23 // Vivaldi?

reeks of individuality/personality. This denotes a certain amount of OVERcontrolling my environment (and obsessive-compulsiveness to be sure) but I like it. I know what I want out of life and I reassess my values/needs/wants all the time. I am happy. I have resources. My body is sprinkled in these aspects of self-expression as well (nose piercing, multiple ear piercings, tattoos, funky clothing, etc). One wonders, and now I'm wondering too

Orion // Metallica

why I am writing about these things. Who cares, right? The point is capturing this moment. No matter how stressed I get over silliness, I will always be drenched in my own creations. I made myself. Like that Incubus song whose lyrics resonated with me so thoroughly as a teenager: "If I hadn't made me, I would've been made somehow..If I hadn't assembled myself, Id've fallen apart by now." So here I am. A fully-formed adult, though constantly changing. Some might say my tattoos and piercings will prevent me from future jobs. Some might say I've wasted my intelligence staying in Joplin. Some might say my insistence on expressing myself through every single aspect of my life is childish. But one of the things I've learned about being an adult is that you don't have to get angry at "the man". You don't even have to care what others think. Life is whatever you want it to be. I've never been the type to apologize for how I feel and this is an aspect of who I am that has served me endlessly in my life. I have nothing to complain about. I am completely accountable for the direction my life is taking and its okay that the direction isn't always

Out of the Blue // Roxy Music

purposeful. My friend Jonathan says that figuring out what you want to do with your life is overrated. What do you want to do NOW?