Friday, August 16, 2013

Top 5 Buffy Significant Others.

Y'all know I have a RELATIONSHIP with Buffy the Vampire Slayer. What you may not have known is that upon each re-watch I fall more in love with a different character I may have overlooked before.


I give you my current top 5 characters in Buffy I would so totally date if they were real and I weren't happily married to a man who embodies qualities of all 5 (yes, even the Honorable Mention, Michael. Embrace the similarities!). Oh, um *spoilers* ahead, if you care about that kind of thing.

#5 -- Giles.

Admittedly, though I do at times find him sexy as hell, what I really want from Giles is for him to be to me what he is to Buffy. He gets to be on the list because a) the older I get the more attractive I find him and b) if I were Giles' age and lived in the Buffyverse, I'd totally ask him out. Back to wanting him to be my dad though (ok, that sounded gross. Someone that isn't your dad you can find attractive AND want him to be your dad, right?)...

Giles is smart, protective, witty, goofy, and wise. My whole life I've chosen men in pop culture to be the "dad I never had" (It's a whole thing, but my dad and I were at odds most of my childhood. He wasn't really a "dad" so much as an adult who yelled at me every other weekend. We made up before his death in 2011, but our relationship was never easy.) in my mind, and Giles is really the most satisfying example of a father figure in pop culture. Though he did betray Buffy that one time (he tried to help Wood kill Spike in season 7), he was otherwise consistently supportive of Buffy without coddling her or sugar-coating life. He was willing to say and do the hard things (confronting Willow after bringing B back from the dead, killing Ben when Buffy couldn't, etc) while still being unquestioningly there for Buffy (When her mom dies, that moment when he immediately belays his reaction to comfort Buffy within an INSTANT of realizing what has happened just KILLS me.). If all dads could be like Giles, Cliff Huxtable, and Red from That '70s Show we'd all turn out just FINE, thank you.

#4 -- Spike.

Spike used to be my #1 Blondie Bear, but upon recent re-watchings I've realized how manipulative and terrible he was to Buffy when they were boinking in season 6. As SOON as he finally "got bouncy" with her, he got cocky and started saying controlling boyfriend-type things to her to get her to keep coming back to him. It was really gross. And I still haven't forgiven him this last time around for attempting to rape Buffy. That was a genuinely terrible moment. I kind of glazed over it like it wasn't "no thang" when it first aired (2002), which just tells you how abusive my relationship was at the time. Spike was a fluffy puppy in comparison. Anyway, he is #4 on my list because of his complete loyalty to the woman he loves. It's blind and retarded loyalty (he was willing to kill Drusilla to "prove his love" to Buffy!), but if that loyalty is directed at you, you've gotta respect that. The way he looks at Buffy when he's in love with her and having empathy for her is enough to put him in this list. That look he gets when he's awkwardly trying to comfort Buffy slays me. Even before he got his soul back, he had genuine love for Buffy and Drusilla. He would literally die for Buffy or Drusilla. He treated Harmony like shit though, so I don't know. Spike has the most interesting character arc of any male character on Buffy, and I really genuinely like him, but he would be an unhealthy boyfriend to have. Probably a good lay, however.

#3 -- Tara.

Tara is the perfect girlfriend. She's sweet and loyal and beautiful and awkward and nerdy and smart and empathetic and a good witch. She's just perfection. She has the coolest bedroom ever in the history of television (black walls, crystals, white Xmas lights, candles, jewel tones, etc). She doesn't put up with Willow's shit and she has integrity coming out her ears. There is literally nothing wrong with Tara. I wish Tara had gotten more development on the show, but since she wasn't a main character or a bf of Buffy, she was often too much in the background. She deserves her own comic or something. Origins of Tara? That would be awesome. Anyway, her place on the list starts the practical S.O.s. From here to #1 on my list, these are the relationships that could be forever-material as actual loyal, realistic, fully-actualized relationships to have.

Look, I refrained from posting that topless pic of Nicholas Brendon!
#2 -- Xander.

Xander is loyal, pretty (just look at those eyebrows!), and genuinely good. His character probably changes the least of anyone on the show. He starts off dweeby, cute, and sweet and he stays that way. Extra points for becoming a carpenter! His attraction to weird girls, demons, and tactless-truth-saying females is probably his most endearing quality. He also has mad empathy and delivers the most heartwarming speeches of anyone on the show. Why can't Willow magic him a freaking eyeball?!?! Grrr. He still has the patch in the comics! His refusal to like any vampires ever, even if they have earned redemption-status, is a little annoying, but I forgive him because he's just such a stand-up guy in every other respect. He's a lot like my pretty Mike, too.

I like pictures of pretty people
standing in trees, apparently.
#1 -- Oz.

Pale. Black fingernails. Ever-changing hair color, while being a ginger in his natural state (rawr). Smart. Loyal. Likes weird girls. Taciturn. Philosophical. He's just as perfect as Tara, really. I don't think I was ever mad at Oz, until he left Sunnydale. He needed to go, though. I understand that. I don't know how I could have chosen between Tara and Oz when he comes back after Willow is already beginning a relationship with Tara. Willow gets to have the most perfect boyfriend ever AND the most perfect girlfriend ever in the space of a year. Bitch! Seriously though, Oz makes my heart melt and he is absolutely the boy I'd pursue if I were Willow, and often when I dream about the Buffyverse, Willow is the character I embody. The only thing that could make Oz cooler would be if he could control himself when he was in wolf form, so he could be an asset in a fight and maybe be cuddled as a wolf. That could be cool, but that would require a totally different mythology of werewolves than exists in the Buffyverse. In my mind, he's that kind of werewolf, though. And he has Buddy Holly glasses. Ok, NOW Oz is perfect.

A velvet shirt AND a tree in this one. Ooh!
*Honorable Mention -- Angel.

Initially, Angel was a character I truly didn't give a fuck about. The more I rewatch both Buffy and Angel the more I like Angel. He likes to sit around in the dark and read all broody-like. I can respect that. He can be really funny and he's a good guy as long as he hasn't lost his soul or anything. The way he tirelessly seeks atonement for his evils as a vampire is pretty endearing to me, as well. I do love an angsty boy! I used to not find him attractive at all, but he's grown on me in the last 5 years or so. I absolutely love it when he and Spike bicker. Cutest. I also enjoy all the opportunities the writers of Buffy took in getting any male character topless whenever they could, though I wish Spike and Angel hadn't been intentionally hairless. Let that chest hair grow wild, boys! Angel does look good in velvet, I must say.


Thus concludes my list of Buffy relationships. Here's a couple of other pictures I found that are pretty hilarious:

This looks like if Willow, Xander, and Buffy had been a cool '90s electronic band. Awesome!!

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