Sunday, April 6, 2014

the moment

Living in it is a tricky thing. We can benefit from focusing on now, remind ourselves that now is all we have...

but we can also get so trapped in "now".

For example, "now" has led me to make poor life decisions because I couldn't see beyond my situation many many times in my life. "Now" has caused me not to commit my experiences to memory and left darkness in the place of important moments in my life. Did I live them when I was there or was I too overwhelmed by the sights and sounds of them to understand them at all?

When I visualize events in my life, the pictures taken at those events come to mind at times when the memories themselves are misty or even nonexistent. What I don't document, I don't keep. I am exceptional at forgetting.

This leads me to thinking about the darkness within. Mine, yours, ours together. I have a blotted out portion of my past. I don't like to think of myself as a victim, but I also can't blame myself for choices that I felt, accurately or inaccurately, were taken from me by people that are horrible. I blot to survive. I'm glad for it because it means that my mind has found a way of coping. I also feel sad for my former self, the choices I could have made, the paths I could have taken.

I feel empathy and worry for those around me that are living within choices they feel are taken from them, choices they'd like to remake differently, or choices they didn't make at all and now cannot make. Going after things wanted/needed is worth it. You may not know what you want until you dip your toes into something sticky.

I am forever beholden to those that kept me alive during years of black. Without my best friend Kim, I wouldn't have made it through the first half of high school. Were it not for my mom pleading with school officials to let me have art classes the first three hours of my senior year, I wouldn't have made it through high school at all. If I hadn't had the almost constant companionship of my brother Sagan the years after high school, I would have slipped too far into the abyss to be reached. We need those around us to shake us. We need those that love us to stick around even when the shaking has no effect.

If you know someone living in darkness, just be there. Shaking, advice, and truth may not reach us, but presence will. Presence and acceptance can break through, even if the person doesn't realize it until many years later.