Monday, February 20, 2012
Bold. Ballsy. Blunt. Blousy.
These are all B-words.
No, but seriously, these are all things I think of myself as, when in reality, I do a lot of another B-word...backpedalling. I am the eternal peacemaker, like my astrological sign (Libra). I am constantly trying to control my environment, but instead of CREATing my own environment, I am manipulating space so that everyone is harmonious, and I am sick of wasting that energy.
The truth is, I have original ideas and weird thought patterns lurking around in my brainspace and I would like to choose to use these skills more often than the ones I have wherein I am well-liked and peaceful. Yes, I am generally unaffected and I genuinely want others to get along and extreme emotions confuse me, as they confuse one of my idols in this life, the fictional character of Spock and a new hero, Sheldon from Big Bang Theory, as previously mentioned in this blog like three days ago.
You see, the thing I admire about all of my heroes (Buffy, Courtney Love, Spock, Sheldon, etc) is that they don't care what you think. Secretly, I don't care what you think, either, but I do want to be liked, so I pretend to make sense for what I perceive is the benefit of others, but really makes my interactions with them boring and generic. The self that I project in my blogs and zines are closer to who I really am than how I act in the social stratosphere. It is not as if I am trying to hide or am ashamed of who I am, I am just trying to survive in a world that I have chosen to perceive as bland.
But the world is anything but bland. The world is rich and exciting and full of incomprehensible beauty. I fiercely love a lot of things in this world. I will fight for yearly vacations to the beach and the desert. I will throw large percentages of what little money I possess at breathtaking electronic devices or the donation to internet radio stations I like. In short, I do what I want and you're not the boss of me!
And I realize that I am a grownup and no one wants to be the boss of me (I don't even think my boss at work really wants to be the boss of anyone), so my outcry is really only towards myself in this regard. I want to be more openly who I am. I want to come out as the secret Courtney Love that I am. If you ask me about this blog tomorrow in person, I will most likely act the part of the wrong B-word: blase.
The only boys I have ever truly been able to fall for are the ones that knew me in high school and I used to think the reason for this was because it takes me forever to get to know and trust someone and while this is part of it, I think another reason is that I was more myself in high school than I ever have been as an adult and people that knew me in high school knew the real me. For some reason I have attached adulthood to this weird cage of bourgeois. I have done all these things to distance my body from this norm (tattoos, piercings, weirdo thrift store clothes), while my manner has been quite tame in comparison. In high school, my goth style was an enhancement of my weird self instead of counteracting tameness.
It sounds as if I'm barely holding back an over-brimming crazy, and perhaps I am, but this crazy is who I am. I am someone who blurts out weird things and likes to get into conversations that are meaningful and cause people to question themselves. I will always advocate for the outcast and try to get someone to see another's point of view. Accuse me of having an agenda. The thing is, we all do...those that embrace this agenda and put it out there in the world are those that get it done. They are usually also called "Bitch" which is another B-word I embrace fully.
My biggest pet peeve is when someone expresses a driven desire to do something, but they don't because of what someone else will think. But, I am capable of something almost as bad, if not more so...I profess that I don't care about things I'm not doing that I secretly wish I was doing. I'm not an extrovert. All of this madness happens within for the large part, so it is not as if I will suddenly be different, I may perhaps blurt out my weirdness a little more often until I become more confident overall. I want a manifesto. I want to write myself into thinking I am a mythological being. I want to be my own muse.
I want my self-actualization to be glittery.