Thursday, February 16, 2012

Weighted Variables.

One of the things I've learned in therapy is that different things need different weights. Different people need different scores. You have to categorize others. You can't put an effort of 10 into a friendship that's, at best, a 6.

I spend hours, days, joyous meticulous time categorizing my music, why wouldn't I categorize my interactions as well? I have realized I am a lot like Sheldon from Big Bang Theory. I often worry that I will unintentionally offend because I never know what offends others. Usually if I offend others it is because they misunderstand me, not that I am as heartless as I seem. I think differently than others. I am a weirdo.

Anyway, my therapist has given me a task to assign values to the people in my life. I tend to worry too much about what others think when I don't understand them yet, and he pointed out that if I don't really care to understand them, why worry about how they see me?

I like to work within boundaries. If I don't know where my parameters lie, I falter. I stumble without bars to hold. I am most comfortable around people who are upfront, blunt, and set clear boundaries with me. This is why I gravitate towards boisterous people. I have tremendous respect for direct individuals and find passive-aggressiveness incredibly exhausting and inefficient. I can compromise and I will say what I want...and when I say "I don't care" I really DON'T CARE. Being somewhat Asperger's and terribly literal (like Sheldon, I often don't pick up on sarcasm) I genuinely feel like this is a simple thing. It seems to me like the general public is stumbling around trying to be nice and not taking what they want out of life. I hate the thought of doing wrong by someone, but if they don't tell me when I overstep a boundary, how do I know it's there?

So, friends and family: I know I am off-putting in my strangeness often, but I do want to do right by you. If you give me a boundary, I will respect you and try to exist within that boundary. I'm going to put my shields down a bit more from now on because I am wilting not opening up to others. I want to be my ballsy self in more places than merely print (blogs, texts, zines, etc). I don't take things personally, therefore I never expect others to do so, therefore, if I offend, please let me know.

If you think of the social interactions/comprehensions of the social atmosphere as a continuum and Sheldon is on the "doesn't get it, doesn't care" side and Penny is on the "socially responsible, empathetic" opposite side of the spectrum, I lie somewhere in between. I usually don't get it, but I am empathetic and I do help me out and explain it to me if I'm not getting it, and don't wast my time or your own in this life being passive. Take what you want and draw those lines!