Friday, February 10, 2012

Insecurities.

We all have 'em. A typical sentiment, but I don't usually admit mine.

The truth is, I'm insecure about losing weight. I REALLY want to, but I don't like to admit I want to or that I'm trying, but I am. I'm trying really hard. I've been working out 6 times a week since the beginning of the year and though I have successfully hit the third belt hole, I have not lost any pounds. I am thisclose to being overweight and despite walking and Just Dance-ing and getting a gym membership and killing myself on the elliptical, no weight lost! It makes me nauseous to admit it, because this is the most common problem. The most mundane thing. Everyone is always trying to lose weight and I'm just another chink in the weight loss machine. I have the same insecurities as millions of Americans. There it is; I've admitted it. I'm out of the closet.

I tell everyone, including myself, that I don't care about a number and that I just want to feel healthy. And that really is the biggest part of it, but there IS a fucking number in my head and I want to hit it. I want to at least have lost the 5-10 pounds that I feel like I SHOULD have lost by now. It's been nearly a month and a half, goddamnit! Where's that scale satisfaction? I keep trying to remind myself that I am doing great. I am walking and elliptical-ing and dancing and moving a lot more. I'm even using the weight machines, but I am tempted to go on some crazy raw food diet for a week just to jump start this thing!!

This is typically something I would put in my private blog, but I am trying to show more of my vulnerability, so here it is. I'm one of the hordes of overweight Americans attempting to lose weight in a new year.

I'm usually not hard on myself at all. I'm not an insecure person. In my head I am a goddess, and when I look in the mirror I see what I want to see and move on. I barely glance at myself, in fact...I don't linger long enough to see the flaws. What's the point? I'm not trying to hit anyone's beauty standards but my own...but those standards are getting more rigorous with age. Why? Is it because it's harder to lose weight the older I get? I used to be able to just decide I'm going to lose weight, and I would. I can remember in my teenage years I could gorge myself to belly-distention and then wake up flat the following morning. Those were the days, man!

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