Monday, November 12, 2012

// emotional pornography //

Just sat through a NINE HOUR seminar at work about the Color Code. I am a white with a secondary color of red with about equal amounts of yellow and blue mixed in, in case you're wondering. Use the link to take the test yourself, if you're into that kind of thing.

I did feel very validated when they talked about the whites. I feel this pretty accurately represents me...

but, here's the thing. I feel that astrology pretty accurately represents me. I felt that Myers-Briggs pretty accurately represents me. I feel that psychological profiling could accurately represent me, were I to be diagnosed with something (Asperger's).

I think this is just the way with us as human beings. We categorize. I could make myself believe almost anything about myself, because don't we all have the traits of human beings within us at any given time? I tested yellow back in 2003! 

It felt a little like a cult, to be honest. Charismatic leader spewing, as a coworker called it, "emotional pornography" at us all day in the form of personal stories, lots of acting, and stereotyping. 

However, it did seem to fit. It was all very convincing, and this makes me suspicious. I am so tired...think I might be coming down with something. I apologize for the sloppy blog, but I can't find my journal anywhere, so here I write.

They did ask at the end of the seminar (after the plug to go spend $30 on their "more detailed" personality profile) how we each could better represent our colors. How we could "live our motive" better, and I like the question. I feel that peace is a motivator for me. And I also feel that I HAVE to express myself through music somehow. I feel a release when I make a mix, sing karaoke, or dance. I must find a way to make this into who I am. I am so bored with the gruel of daily life and something needs to change. I need:

*to be more CREATEive
*to have more time alone
*to find a way to express myself through music (writing about music? lipsyncing for my life onstage? karaoke? actually composing my own music?)

Oh, and the novel-writing is on hold. It's not going to be "a novel in November". More like "a novel eventual". I did get the ball rolling and I have a structure and I've written 25 or so pages and I like my idea and I think it will be good for me, but I've been too overwhelmed with the world lately. Overwhelmed good (drag queens, self-discovery) and overwhelmed bad (BK health issues, M's gpa, job incompatibilities). 

I think I might want "cunt" as a in Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent. and in a cool graffiti-type script so you can't REALLY tell what it is unless you meditate upon it or are fluent in aerosol art. This will represent the obvious (girl-power and shit), but also my love for drag queens and a symbol of how they (mostly ShAaron, but several others as well--past, present, and future) inspire me to be my most really real me.

Sometimes the world is so beautiful, it hurts to look at it.

With that said, I think I may just stop looking at it for the night and be completely unproductive and hope the germs inside my system don't overtake me this week...and also with you. May all of our germs just fly right back on out tonight, brothers and sisters.

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