Tuesday, May 24, 2022

Tarot Readings by Mixtress Rae

Monday, April 4, 2022

Rules and Limitations

I'm somewhat fond, it seems, of making rules for myself. I can only spend this much with this type of income on this type of thing. I can only watch the "extra" YouTube content if I'm on the treadmill. I can only use one tarot deck per week. I like to experiment with restriction. Luckily, this hasn't ever extended to food. It's about control, obviously. Everything on my desk needs to be in its right place. I can't "relax" in the evening until all my chores of cleaning the dinner dishes, taking out the trash (if it's Monday night) and walking the dogs are done. Systems of control. One episode of Rupaul per night before bed in the recliner. Ok, maybe some of this is just ritual and routine. 

"I don't want a home, I'd ruin that. Home is where my habits have a habitat." -Fiona Apple

Today, I made a new rule for myself (a lot of my sentences start like this): I can only watch YouTube videos of the channels I love enough to have their notifications turned on. That's like 15 channels, and 5 of those don't upload anymore, but I NEED to know if they ever do again.

I've had an online shopping budget of $120/month since December 1st. But you see, I haven't really been sticking to this budget because my extra income sources (Etsy tarot readings, YouTube ad revenue, merchandise, sales of my oracle deck, and my Patreon) are extra and I can do whatever the fuck I want with that money, right? It's absurd, but I spend upwards of $300 on the internet every month. On what, you ask? Tarot decks, oracle decks, perfumes from Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab, $20 computer speakers that I think I need (they sound fucking fantastic, by the way), etc etc.

I have a problem, and I'm trying to deal with it. But it involves math and restrictions and writing every damn purchase in my planner and on my phone note app. It's exhausting. But it's necessary, because my number one goal for 2022 is to stick to my modest budget and NOT charge my credit card. I have been successful so far.

I've been so successful in fact, that I've decided to restrict my budget even further, starting now, in April. My online shopping budget now is $90/month. Also, from now on, I can't buy divination decks and perfumes (my two biggest obsessions and money drains) with my online shopping budget anymore. I have to use extra (and often unpredictable) income sources for those types of purchases.

I am doing all of this in service of my lifelong aspiration to NEVER have a full-time job. I spend money online like I have the income of a person with an adult career, is the problem. But I will fix it. Not by having a career or anything so lofty as that, but by restriction. So I make all these stupid rules for myself and am constantly readjusting, but it's motherfucking April, you guys, and it's working. 

I've been achieving my goals this year. In February, I spent the month not on the internet (there were exceptions of course, like streaming music and podcasts and checking email on Fridays) and it was amazing for my mental health. I've been taking fiber like a proper old lady. I'm making an oracle deck! I bought a sketchbook! I might color in a Disney Villains coloring book I got at work! Things really are happening. 😝

Friday, April 1, 2022

Learning to Write Again

I have set a Camp NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) goal for myself this April. I pledge to figure out how to fucking write again. You see, I never do it anymore. I used to have a zine that I published every season or so. I used to journal. I used to update this blog. In November 2013, I wrote a novel. In 2014 I started a radio show and a YouTube channel. The radio show taught me how to say words out loud. I hadn't been terribly verbal before age 31. Speaking has replaced writing for the most part in my life. I have since started a tarot Etsy, a Buffy podcast, and continued a lot of talking online nonsense.

The goal for April is to maybe remember how to write? Maybe decide if I even want to write anymore? I really don't know how this is going to turn out, but here's the specifics, y'all:

*I will write/create (drawing and collaging count) for 1 hour per day I am off work

*I will write/creat for 30 minutes per day I am working

In order to work within the campnanowrimo limitations and track my progress, I have converted time to words written using a formula of writing 30 words per minute as my average, the number of days I work and don't work in April, etc. It's maaaaaath, but it comes out to around 44,000 words I intend to write in April. (Though this will of course not at all be literal as I am working in time, not words.)

A list (I love lists!) of possible projects I might decide to work on this month:

  1. this blog
  2. my Personal Log word document on my computer
  3. my old novel I wrote in 2013 (I haven't even LOOKED at it since I wrote it. I'm about 99% positive it's real bad, but I want to read it and assess if it has a future...or if me writing fiction at all has a future.)
  4. my journal
  5. finish a Dark Wood tarot-specific journalling project I started last month
  6. an oracle deck I'd like to publish this year
  7. complete at least 5 pages in my sketchbook (like drawing? or collaging? I forgot how to do that too)
  8. perhaps find a free online tarot course to take notes on  
  9. read Stephen King's "on writing"

Does this all sound terribly all over-the-place and non-specific? Shut upppp! I'm giving myself a lot of options as to things I could do that vaguely resemble typing or having a writing utensil in my hands because I am setting myself up for SUCCESS, goddamnit! I've always been an underachiever, leave me alone!

So far this year has been about reassessing shit. I've got a somewhat strict budget for myself for online spending because I am an addict. I've been sticking to it and it's really hard.

For the first time in its entire almost 8 years on the air, I'm changing my radio show..starting tonight! There will no longer be segments of me talking on the radio show! Weird, right? I'll probably lose all listeners for this reason, but I've been feeling weird about how public my innermost thoughts have become as I get more popular online...as more eyes/ears are added to view/hear me, the less I want to say. I don't want to start censoring/silencing myself. I don't want to become too aware of my "audience" to have an audience, ya know? I hate that this has effectively put my stupid thoughts behind a paywall (because I'll still be rambling for an hour to my patrons on Patreon every week in podcast form, just not live on the radio show every Friday to any random person that could wander into my "airwaves") because...well, why are MY thoughts worth $$? At the same time, it has been so helpful to be able to use my Patreon income to pay my bills/support my tarot deck habit.

I now have over 3,000 subscribers to my YouTube channel and have monetized it. I make about $15/month just for posting my stupid opinions on tarot decks. Like, what? But I also am getting tired of being told how to present my thoughts online, particularly this comes to me via YouTube comments. People have told me not to cuss so much, what nail polish to wear, that I should choke on my own tongue and die because I don't like the Beatles or some shit, etc.

But again, I do NOT want to be silenced like so many other people online that have spoken their minds (with good intentions--I'm not talking about people spreading hate) and then just couldn't handle the din of public opinion anymore and left. I miss Jenna Marbles so much. 

So, is my answer to take my speech to text? Because no one likes to read anymore, right? As per usual, I have more questions than answers. I learned long ago that it's more important to refine how to ask the questions in life than to ever think you have an answer. I have never had a fucking answer.

I've been digitizing my old VHS tapes lately and I recently came upon an "interview" of my 18-yr-old self in the summer after high school. In it I said that I haven't decided what I want to do with my life and I really don't want to think about it. 21 years later, I still feel the same.

So, as with everything I try, every goal I set, every rule I establish in my efforts to improve myself in my life, we shall see how April goes. Thanks for reading.