Learning to Write Again

I have set a Camp NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) goal for myself this April. I pledge to figure out how to fucking write again. You see, I never do it anymore. I used to have a zine that I published every season or so. I used to journal. I used to update this blog. In November 2013, I wrote a novel. In 2014 I started a radio show and a YouTube channel. The radio show taught me how to say words out loud. I hadn't been terribly verbal before age 31. Speaking has replaced writing for the most part in my life. I have since started a tarot Etsy, a Buffy podcast, and continued a lot of talking online nonsense.

The goal for April is to maybe remember how to write? Maybe decide if I even want to write anymore? I really don't know how this is going to turn out, but here's the specifics, y'all:

*I will write/create (drawing and collaging count) for 1 hour per day I am off work

*I will write/creat for 30 minutes per day I am working

In order to work within the campnanowrimo limitations and track my progress, I have converted time to words written using a formula of writing 30 words per minute as my average, the number of days I work and don't work in April, etc. It's maaaaaath, but it comes out to around 44,000 words I intend to write in April. (Though this will of course not at all be literal as I am working in time, not words.)

A list (I love lists!) of possible projects I might decide to work on this month:

1. this blog
2. my Personal Log word document on my computer
3. my old novel I wrote in 2013 (I haven't even LOOKED at it since I wrote it. I'm about 99% positive it's real bad, but I want to read it and assess if it has a future...or if me writing fiction at all has a future.)
4. my journal
5. finish a Dark Wood tarot-specific journalling project I started last month
6. an oracle deck I'd like to publish this year
7. complete at least 5 pages in my sketchbook (like drawing? or collaging? I forgot how to do that too)
8. perhaps find a free online tarot course to take notes on  
9. read Stephen King's "on writing"
   

Does this all sound terribly all over-the-place and non-specific? Shut upppp! I'm giving myself a lot of options as to things I could do that vaguely resemble typing or having a writing utensil in my hands because I am setting myself up for SUCCESS, goddamnit! I've always been an underachiever, leave me alone!

So far this year has been about reassessing shit. I've got a somewhat strict budget for myself for online spending because I am an addict. I've been sticking to it and it's really hard.

For the first time in its entire almost 8 years on the air, I'm changing my radio show..starting tonight! There will no longer be segments of me talking on the radio show! Weird, right? I'll probably lose all listeners for this reason, but I've been feeling weird about how public my innermost thoughts have become as I get more popular online...as more eyes/ears are added to view/hear me, the less I want to say. I don't want to start censoring/silencing myself. I don't want to become too aware of my "audience" to have an audience, ya know? I hate that this has effectively put my stupid thoughts behind a paywall (because I'll still be rambling for an hour to my patrons on Patreon every week in podcast form, just not live on the radio show every Friday to any random person that could wander into my "airwaves") because...well, why are MY thoughts worth $$? At the same time, it has been so helpful to be able to use my Patreon income to pay my bills/support my tarot deck habit.

I now have over 3,000 subscribers to my YouTube channel and have monetized it. I make about $15/month just for posting my stupid opinions on tarot decks. Like, what? But I also am getting tired of being told how to present my thoughts online, particularly this comes to me via YouTube comments. People have told me not to cuss so much, what nail polish to wear, that I should choke on my own tongue and die because I don't like the Beatles or some shit, etc.

But again, I do NOT want to be silenced like so many other people online that have spoken their minds (with good intentions--I'm not talking about people spreading hate) and then just couldn't handle the din of public opinion anymore and left. I miss Jenna Marbles so much. 

So, is my answer to take my speech to text? Because no one likes to read anymore, right? As per usual, I have more questions than answers. I learned long ago that it's more important to refine how to ask the questions in life than to ever think you have an answer. I have never had a fucking answer.

I've been digitizing my old VHS tapes lately and I recently came upon an "interview" of my 18-yr-old self in the summer after high school. In it I said that I haven't decided what I want to do with my life and I really don't want to think about it. 21 years later, I still feel the same.

So, as with everything I try, every goal I set, every rule I establish in my efforts to improve myself in my life, we shall see how April goes. Thanks for reading.