Pervasive beauty.

I have been OBSESSED with perfume lately. I've been ordering samples from Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab, Possets, and Lucky Scent like a woman gone mad with, you know, obsession. I've researched how to make perfume. I've tried a scent that costs 240$ a bottle, even though I knew it cost that much when I ordered the sample. Because I'm a masochist. And it smells fucking fantastic, by the way. Luckily, the sillage (see, and I learned new words too! It means how far the scent projects from your body, how well others can smell it.) is almost non-existent and I like a scent that ASSAULTS people, so I'm not TOO tempted to talk myself into buying it anyway. Fragrantica.com completely rules my life right now. It's a site that outlines all the notes in different perfumes and has reviews and such.

Let's back up a bit. In 1998 I saw this ad:

I knew on instinct that THIS was the scent that Poison Ivy would wear and I considered myself a devotee. I can't remember what happened next, but I must have been at JC Penney with my grandma or something and I must have tried the fragrance. I knew nothing about notes or sillage, but I knew this scent was for me. My grandma has given me everything I've ever wanted my entire life, so it quickly became mine and I've worn it almost every day since 1998.

I now know that Hypnotic Poison has top notes of apricot, plum, and coconut, a heart of jasmine, rosewood, caraway and a flower called tuberose. Tuberose is sometimes called "corpse flower" because on some people it smells like rotting meat. On others, it smells sickly intoxicating. Every person that's ever had their face in my neck has been, dare I day hypnotized by this perfume. I can't say if it's that addictive sour scent Jennifer Lawrence was talking about on "American Hustle", but I like to think it is exactly that. Base notes are amber, almond, vanilla, and musk. The overall effect of this scent curls up into the pointy part of your nose. After trying dozens of scents the last few months, I go back to Hypnotic Poison knowing that I truly found my perfect scent when I was 16. I will always have a bottle of this evil angel.

In my perfume studies I also learned that Hypnotic Poison is made by Annicka Mendardo. She's made a lot of different perfumes, another of which is called Lolita Lempicka. Lolita Lempicka is actually a perfume house, but its 1997 premiere scent bearing the name was the one made by Menardo.

The ad above was one I saw in Seventeen magazine as a teen and used in collages, though I never thought to try the perfume itself until now. This scent it based on licorice. It has anise, vanilla, almond, vetiver (one of my very favorite notes-- kind of an earthy, wet-cave smell. It's used in a lot of men's perfumes, though I prefer it paired with softer notes or by itself in essential oil form.), ivy, and musk. When I read the notes and reviews, I ordered a bottle without even trying it. I tried to try it, but they didn't have a bottle at Ulta and I didn't want to brave department stores where sales associates might actually, *gasp* TALK to me. Yesterday it came in the mail alongside a bottle of Hypnotic Poison (I was out and have decided I can't EVER live without it again). If this perfume hadn't been called Lolita-something (Lolita is not a concept I'm drawn to, by any means) or maybe didn't have all that gold on the bottle, I would have wanted to try it based on my love of the ads. If I had tried this instead of Hypnotic Poison, perhaps THIS would have been the scent for me. I'm addicted to it. I think I might even be a little allergic to it because my throat gets a little sore the first hour or so after I spray it, but I cannot help myself. I have to stop myself from spraying it every few hours. It is arresting.

My entire identity is based upon dichotomy. I like sweetness undercut by decay. I like pinup girls with vampire teeth. I like babydoll dresses on Courtney Love. The temptress that bites, the rotten fruit, the cloying smell of blood. This search for a new perfume was driven by a need for a scent that would have such a personality that it repels in an intriguing way that makes you want to smell it again. I wanted licorice or root beer or Dr Pepper. I wanted sickly sweet earth, darkness mixed with piercing light. I wanted to be abhorrently intoxicating. In many ways Hypnotic Poison is already this scent for me, but Lolita Lempicka is a siren I may end up wearing almost as often.

If Hypnotic Poison belongs on Poison Ivy, Lolita Lempicka is the scent she wears as Pamela Isley. It's the daytime scent of a woman that smiles sweetly with a dark tendril of tumult swirling in her piercing eyes. Hypnotic Poison is the scent of the same woman at the moment that smile becomes a sneer. You are perfectly willing to follow her into the dark forest of your inevitable demise.

At this moment, I feel that my search is over. My intensity has simmered to that feeling of absolute contentment I get when I feel I have found the "ultimate" of something, like when I found my leather jacket. I would still like to try to make my own perfume someday, but I think I have a top 5 that will probably remain the same.

MixtressRae's top five perfumes:

1. Hypnotic Poison

2. Lolita Lempicka

3. Midnight Poison: this is my "going out" scent. It opens with bergamot and simmers into vanilla, amber, and patchouli. That bergamot punches you in the face! I wear it almost every time I go to a nighttime social event. It is so inextricably linked to socialization, drinking, and good times with friends that if I'm thinking of bailing, I can spray it on myself and be instantly ready to GO.

4. Malediction: from Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab. It's a mixture of patchouli and vetiver. Simple, powerful and comforting.

5. Gypsy Grave: from Possets. It has vetiver, musk, clove, flowers, incense. It smells like gravestones and dying flowers, like dust and damp earth...like the sidewalk after a rain. It truly evokes a cemetery, like ash, death, moss, and teeth-clanging hopefulness. I like this one a lot. This is a great "day off" scent. It reeks of languishing about listening to The Cure on a rainy day.

Obsessions: The Leather Jacket edition.

I've had "leather jacket" on my list of Big Things I Want next to "hipster glasses", a medical procedure I need to take care of, and bangs. Friday I saw this picture on tumblr:

It's from a website called killstar.com. A quick trip to their website led me down a rabbit hole I didn't crawl out of until last night. Within minutes, I became OBSESSED with this leather jacket:

I gazed upon it for hours. After my intense study of the above picture, I checked the sizing info. There weren't dimensions listed for the sizes of Extra Small, S, M, L, and Extra Large. I emailed the company asking about the measurements of the jacket. The description also stated that the type of leather was "Nappa" so I looked that up. It means lamb or calf skin, or just a word to describe a process that makes the leather really soft.

Here is the point where I have to tell you a bit about my history with leather. I have none. I've been not buying leather on purpose since I became a vegetarian at 17. I'm not sure when I decided I wanted a leather motorcycle jacket. Having fallen in love with the jacket above, I really had to decide, was I ok with buying new leather?

While I waited for the sizing info on the coveted jacket, I began a very potent weekend-long search on Etsy and Ebay and every other place online for the "perfect" leather jacket. I even spent a lengthy detour looking at vegan leather jackets. I was hoping the "perfect" leather jacket wasn't the one that cost $250, possibly made from baby cows.

Probably everyone else has realized this, but in my extensive search (by extensive I mean, I would sit at my computer for hours looking at jacket after jacket after jacket) I began to notice that most leather "motorcycle" jackets have most of the features the above jacket possesses. They usually have zippers on the sleeves (this one does, though you can't see them here), a little snap pocket, snappy lapels, asymmetrical zipper, and usually three zippered pockets. They usually have a belt (like the pink jacket pictured).

I began to form my requirements for a leather jacket. You see, when I want something, it always has to be the PERFECT specimen of that item. In order to reach my requirements for perfection, I have to do an obscene amount of research to know what my idea of perfection is for a particular item. My requirements eventually became thus:

*the jacket had to have some sort of insulation on the inside; I want it WARM.
*the snaps and zippers and pockets all have to be functional and sturdy-looking
*the metal on the jacket has to be chrome
*I NEED those sleeve-zippers
*it has to fit
*I don't want one that's already studded up. Some weird "authentic punk" part of me couldn't possibly buy a jacket pre-personalized.

I looked up the history of the leather jacket. It originated in the Civil War for soldiers. In 1928 Irving Schott created the iconic style we all know to this day, called The Perfecto. This is the jacket worn by Marlon Brando (below) in "The Wild One" that started the pop culture idea that a leather jacket is somehow tough and rebellious. It seems that the leather motorcycle jacket has been ubiquitous ever since. Since my obsession began on Friday, I've been noticing them EVERYWHERE. They're all basically the same, and yet seeing one does make me think someone is tough and cool, so I drank the Kool-Aid, I guess.

One annoying aspect (aside from fit issues, there were several) of shopping for a leather jacket was that many of the product pictures included a very skinny woman with one hand in her long unwashed hair and the jacket OPEN. Um, I can't see what the frickin' jacket looks like if it's unzipped and tangled with your amazing hair and frilly dress. Yes, you look awesome, but please show me some pics with the jacket zipped and your hands in the pockets so I know they work. Is that so hard? I want pictures from all angles and a lengthy description alongside each item. I want a visual and intellectual experience in lieu of being able to touch the item I'm intending to purchase.

Fun fact: those snappy things on the shoulders are called epaulettes and they were originally designed to secure bag straps to your person as you rode into the sunset on your hog.

I honestly did spend several hours Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday in this search/obsession. It usually doesn't take me very long to find the perfect [x], but leather jackets are fucking EVERYWHERE, as I said. This is one of the first times in my life I was searching for something that I could find in so many different places. The paradox of choice was crippling. This search was all I talked about. Finally, Monday arrived and with it an email from a woman at Kill Star. She sent me a document containing the measurements for several of their jackets on the site. None of them were the jacket I want and all of the measurements were different, for each style of jacket. She also didn't answer the other questions I had (is it warm? and is it really lambs or baby cows?). The sale on their site, the one that made my coveted jacket 250$ instead of 300$, was ending at 6pm.

At 5:20 after a long day of sifting through a sea of leather I decided that I would make 6pm my deadline for this obsession. If I hadn't chosen a jacket by 5:55pm, I would possibly decide to purchase the jacket on Kill Star, despite my reservations about size (non-returnable if it didn't fit!), baby cows, and jacket warmth. Or maybe I'd have to decide that a leather jacket isn't for me at all. I became an even more vigorous shopping machine. I combed every jacket within my price range on Etsy, and there were many hundreds.

The more I thought about it, the more I knew I couldn't get the jacket on Kill Star. It looks perfect, but according to the measurements of the other jackets on their site, if I fit in ANY size at all, it would be the Extra Large. EXTRA LARGE. I'm 5'5" and 150 pounds. I'm not even overweight, but I'd have to order an Extra Large. How depressing is that? From the UK. For $250. And it might be lambs or baby cows. And I'd feel like shit about that. I really really would. Because my purchase of new leather would contribute to the present slaughter of animals. It's gratuitous. Also, I don't feel morally good about spending a chunk of change on a company that doesn't have sizing for a woman bigger than me. I tend to have rose-colored glasses about my own size, but I know I'm not extra large! Somewhere around 5:30 I knew that the Kill Star jacket would not be mine, even if I didn't find a better jacket in the next thirty minutes.

Then I found it. "Vintage" (from the '80s, so I don't know that you could call it vintage) so I wouldn't have guilt about financially contributing to dead baby cows. The money I'd spend on this jacket would go to a cute hipster chick (I'm guessing--it might be a group of cute hipster chicks and dudes, I don't know) selling stuff on Etsy. That's ok with me. If she buys baby cow meat with my money, at least I'm not directly culpable. It had ALL my requirements. The only issue was that it is a men's jacket. The dimensions for the chest, waist, and hips are all essentially the same, but the chest and hips are pretty exact to my measurements.

To you, this jacket might look like all the other leather jackets, but to me it is beautiful. It is my size. It is insulated. It has functional pockets (even one on the inside!). It's sort of faded, which I didn't know I wanted until I noticed how cool this jacket looks compared to the deep black colors of many others. It's unadorned. It's half the price of the one on Kill Star. The description was long and detailed and the photos were copious and from all angles and levels of zipped and unzipped. This is a fully functional jacket. My search ended around 5:45.

The obsession was frankly kind of crazy...ok, really crazy. Buuuuuut, after finally clicking purchase, I am faced with the same feeling I get every time I do something like this. It is a feeling of relief. A feeling of calm. A feeling of knowing for an absolute fact that if THIS leather jacket doesn't work for me, then I'm just not a leather jacket person. This feeling is one of not having settled. I was thoughtful and thorough. Most likely, I will have this leather jacket until the day I die.

This is how I choose everything of value in my life. I chose to marry Michael with a similar approach to thoroughness, logic, and scrutiny of detail. I know for a scientific fact that he's the being for me and no other will do. I also do this with things that don't matter as much and sometimes it wastes a lot of time and causes more headaches than is required. Generally though, I know what I want and why I want it because I can logically back it up, at least to myself.

***UPDATE (1/9/15): I wanted to give a bit of a shoutout to Hot Trash Vintage. I have bought from them several times since my first purchase of this leather jacket and each time I have been very satisfied. They show LOTS of pictures of each item on their Etsy. They have detailed descriptions. They list all measurements (even measurements of the model and whether or not the garment is pinned on the model, etc). They also post pictures of Buffy frequently on their Instagram. AND they love '90s clothes. They're like my spirit-clothing-store-animal and I never would have found them if I hadn't started this insane search for the perfect leather jacket.

As an EXTRA added bonus, the jacket came with arcade tokens in the little snap pocket. They probably weren't noticed by the seller, but it made my cheesy heart glow thinking about the previous owner playing Galaga in the '80s while wearing my jacket. I eventually put a couple of studs on the epaulets and a synthesizer pin on a lapel. I still feel a little weird wearing a motorcycle jacket but it's warm and no one has fucked with me while wearing it...yet.

top 5 bits of technology you already have.

As a "red-blooded Amerrrrican female" most of my problems, as one might expect, are first world problems. Ever since the tornado (I can call it by its actual name now! Progress?) my obsession with technology and the possession of the newest, brightest, shiniest electronic gadgetry has been ratcheted up to its most perverse and unhealthy level. For a time I claimed, as the daughter of a similarly afflicted (recently deceased) father, it was my penance to carry on his legacy of obsession. I will most definitely use that excuse to buy something again, but on the whole, I've GOT to get ahold of myself, man!

In the past three years I have owned: 4 iPods (a touch, 2 nanos, and a classic), 4 tablet-type devices (an iPad, a nexus 7, a nook color, and an iPad mini), 2 ereaders (nook touch and nook touch with glowlight), 3 iPhones (3GS, 4S, and 5), and miraculously, only one computer (MacBook Pro). Of these  14 devices, I still own 6. To my tiny credit, I typically only keep one item in each category and give away or sell the other items. My iPods are the only exception here, as I have kept my nano and my classic. I reason that I NEED the classic for its capacity to hold all of my media with 160GB of storage capacity. I keep the nano because I like to use it at my cleaning job, because it's small and light and I have a little belt-holster for it. Most of the time Apple products can fetch me at least 80% of what I'll pay for the next thing, but that's still no kind of excuse for being such a greedy bastard.

At this very moment I have a pedometer listed on ebay (fitbit ultra) because selling it means I get to get the new one (fitbit flex)! And the new one will sync to my phone via bluetooth!

Let me further outline the more pornographic details of this obsession. Part of the intense infatuation with these gizmos is the amount of wooing I do in conjunction with the desire for a new device. I watch YouTube reviews of the device I covet. I read the reviews on cnet over and over until I have sections of them memorized. I walk about my daily life pretending I have the new device, imagining how awesome it will be to have it. I make pro and con lists to justify my need. I stare at images online of the device at all angles. I go to Best Buy and Target to see if I can touch the device/see it in person. It's really sick.

This expensive addiction has to stop but I cannot kid myself here: it won't stop. But perhaps I can at least slow the boiling madness to a bit more of a simmering bubble.

This post is a letter to myself, intended to help me resist the siren call of new technology by describing why I love the top 5 bits of technology I already have (and the ones I'm most likely to want to replace with the next better iteration of that thing every time there is a next better iteration of that thing) and why they're perfectly good enough to last me for years to come.

Dear Future Stephanie,

These are the top 5 perfectly functional items of technology you will be tempted to, but don't need to, replace ANYTIME SOON:

1. iPod -- Your iPod classic holds 160GB of media. You won't have 160GB of music for a very long time (only at half that now) and this device will work for at least the next 5 years, so don't even think about replacing it unless you break it beyond repair or lose it. I love my classic so much. Her name is Strict Machine. She has an inscription on the back: "Wonderful electric, cover me in white noise." She is covered by a custom skin of my mixtapes (that image I use for everything). I've mutilated her both by accident (dropping on pavement) and on purpose (trying to further customize an earlier skin with an Xacto knife left small slices in both her screen and her steel back-plate). I don't use her much in day-to-day life, but she's indispensable at parties and on road trips and anytime I want my entire music collection with me when there's no internet connection. As for my Disco Stick (iPod nano), she's lovely for cleaning, but she's only 8GB and is essentially extraneous.

Summation: You are not allowed to get a new classic unless yours is lost, stolen, or broken beyond functionality. No exceptions. When Disco Stick bites the dust, suck it up and start using Strict Machine for the same purposes. Do not replace Disco Stick. Let her die in peace.

2. iPad mini -- His name is Frank Sinatra, for the Cake song, not the singer (though the song is named for the singer, so there's that) and he's a fine tablet. His inscription says "We know of an ancient radiation, a faintly glimmering radio station." You will want the new mini when it's released this fall. You will want it soooo bad because it will probably have a Retina Display and might even come in fun colors! Heart palpitations! But remember, Frank Sinatra hasn't caused you any turmoil and you really only use him on the road and in the mornings to play Yahtzee and watch YouTube videos. You've never thought the screen resolution was crappy, so you don't need the new one.

Summation: You are not allowed to get a new tablet device until the third or fourth generation, at least. Calm down. You don't have to have all the new things. Resist.

3. MacBook Pro -- Her name is Honeycrisp and she has served me well for almost three years now. She will live for another few years, I suspect. She's only 250GB, but when I get to capacity I can always relocate my music, photos, and videos to my 500GB hard drive, so that's not a good enough excuse to replace her.

Summation: You probably won't be tempted to buy a new computer until Honeycrisp dies, so this isn't much of a risk. Just remember that Macs last 5-10 years and they cost like a thousand bucks. Don't do it until Honeycrisp becomes ridiculously sluggish.

4. iPhone -- Her name is Daughter of Avalanche and she's the most current iPhone, for the next few months anyway. She will get iOS updates for the next couple of years and she's 32GB, which is PLENTY of space for a phone. Even when your upgrade is available, really ask yourself if you neeeed to drop a couple hundred dollars on the newest phone. Yeah, you don't. Let this one live for three years...it won't kill you.

Summation: You don't get to have a new phone until at LEAST your upgrade with Verizon arrives (October 2014 probably). Apple will make you want the 5S. You will be shaking resisting it, but you must. Do this for your well-BEING, Stephanie.

5. Nook -- This ereader is fine. It holds books and has a nightlight. It works in bright sunlight, has a long battery-life, and is light. Nothing is wrong with it. Nook is getting out of the ereader biz anyway, so there probably won't be a better version of this ereader.

Summation: For this device, you really just need to let yourself keep it and use it when you want. When it dies, you may buy another on ebay or just use your mini to read with from now on. Just don't get rid of it. You prefer it to tablet-reading. It's ok to have an ereader AND a tablet. You like this device, so keep it until its demise. It'll be fun to see how long it lives.

Seriously, all of these devices have the capacity to live for YEARS, so let them. You take care of your devices and you don't like wasting things. It will be so much more gratifying replacing things because the other things are no longer functioning. You won't have to feel guilty! Imagine NOT feeling guilty for buying an electronic device...how cool will that be? Please refer to this list after every Apple announcement.

Sincerely,
Past Stephanie

Music archiving.

I must have control of my musical environment. I recently turned my iTunes Match back on after several months of having it off after a fiasco with a Tina Fey audiobook not showing up in my audiobooks correctly and it erased my play counts from the months that Match was off. This may mean nothing to you, but it screwed with my world, I tell you!

As I've mentioned before, I am listening to all 80GB of my music this year. From January 1st until yesterday I had listened to over 900 songs and I was keeping track by using the play count data iTunes automatically keeps and it was all for naught! Luckily, I still have my last.fm stats and I still remember almost everything I've listened to this year, so today I painstakingly went through my entire music library (9477 songs, mind you) and fast-forwarded to the end of each track I know I've listened to this year so far so that iTunes would know that I've played it.

Needless to write, but I will, it took hours -- about 4, to be almost exact about it. This is an obsession. How many people would even notice that their play counts are different after messing with setting on their iTunes? How many people even mess with settings on their iTunes? How many people even know what iTunes Match even is? How many people even know they have play counts in their iTunes? How many people that know about Match and play counts and all that would even care if they knew their play counts were messed up?

My archiving nature is screaming so loud right now. It seems completely arbitrary which songs it counted and didn't...my counts are nowhere near accurate now, nor were they before this fiasco. Thank goddess/Buddha/Jesus/whoever for last.fm.

The glitch also erased my most recent mix. Thankfully, I keep a detailed notebook of my mixes. What's wrong with me?

I have also been preoccupied lately with how much awesome music is out there and how little time in the day, in my life, there is to listen to it all. Every moment I don't have headphones in or around my ears I feel guilty for not consuming music. I want it at all times! Even past the point of having a headache from all the brain-processing. I'll pop a few ibuprofen and dive back into the distortion!

I have a problem.

Hi, my name is Mixtress Rae and I am a music nerd.