MixtressRae's Top Ten TV Shows of All Time.

You've waited with baited* breath (what does that even MEAN, baited breath? like your breath is the bait or you have bait in your mouth or...?) for almost two whole weeks.

*Turns out, < thank you Richie!! I owe you yet another drink. > that the term is "bated breath" and it means that your breath stinks of anticipation and suspense.

I scored each episode on five different criteria (characters, story, quotability, emotion/laughter, and feminism) on a scale of 1-10. I then scored the series as a whole on similar criteria (characters, story arc, "stickiness", coping, and feminism), also on a scale of 1-10. I averaged both the episode's score and the series' score, then averaged those two scores to get my total. For more on what my criteria mean, go to here.

Here they are, my top ten TV shows of all time: 

Coming in at #10 is Star Trek: The Next Generation

Favorite character: Data

Final Score: 5.8

#9: Gilmore Girls

Favorite Character: Lorelai Gilmore (ha, they're BOTH named Lorelai Gilmore!)

Final Score: 6.1

#8: Firefly

Favorite Character: Wash (above)

Final Score: 6.3

#7: F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

Favorite Character: Phoebe Buffay

Final Score: 6.4

#6: Dollhouse

Favorite Character: Topher Brink

Final Score: 6.5

Are you ready for the Top 5?!?! No? I think you can handle it. The following television is the best that television has to offer. I know, because I did a very scientific experiment. ;)

#5: New Girl

Favorite Character: Jessica Day

Final Score: 6.5

#4: Rupaul's Drag Race

Favorite Character: Sharon Needles from season 4

Final Score: 7

#3: The Office (US version)

Favorite Character: Dwight Schrute

Final Score: 7

#2: Parks and Recreation

Favorite Character: Leslie Knope

Final Score: 7.3

yes, I will use this gif of Buffy for any reason whatsoever.

#1: Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Favorite Character: Buffy Summers

Final Score: 9.4

In celebration of All Hallow’s Eve (yes, yes, weeks ago, but as ShAaron Needles says, "Every day is Halloween, ghouls!"), I want to talk a bit about a new(ish--the term was coined in 2009) genre of music that embodies the essence of the dark and spooky fall months.  It’s called “Witch House”.  When you boil this genre down to its “simplest terms and most convenient definitions” it is both a brain, a prom queen...wait, that’s The Breakfast Club...

Put simply, Witch House is the newest iteration of goth music.  The ethereal miasma of Ambient Dream Pop meets the electro-industry of Dark Noise.  It is simultaneously futuristic and covered in cob webs.   

“The melodies are hooky and sweet, but each track has a throbbing undercurrent of menace that pulls you in like a riptide. It's hard to pinpoint exactly from where this pervading element of darkness springs...” -- Lindsay Zoladz from pitchfork.com

The above quote was in description of Witch House’s most eminent artist’s debut, Grimes’ Geidi Primes, but is also indicative of the entire genre, in my opinion.  This music can set the stage for a haunted night in PeaceChurch cemetery, or put you to bed at night if you’re already a spooky girl like me.  It is truly fascinating to allow yourself to be entombed in the dichotic soundscapes, the surreal beauty of the almost angelic vocals mixed disjointedly with the torrid doom that seems always on the precipice of descending upon you with alarming ferocity.  It tricks you into falling in love with the witches and ghosts living within the whorls of your grey matter.  I can’t get enough of this genre.  I’ve been spiraling down the rabbit hole since I first discovered Grimes early in the year and discovered more related artists through a fabulous station/playlist on songza.com called “Haunted House”.  Start here if you’re remotely intrigued with this genre.

Here are a few artists that fall within the witchy distinction that I recommend (all can be found on Spotify):

Grimes*

Purity Ring*

Glasser

Blouse 

Fever Ray

Crystal Castles

oOoOO

White Ring

Modern Witch

There isn’t enough of this music!  If you know of any additional artists (or if you already love this genre) within the murky cemeteries of Witch House, please let me know: mixtressrae@yahoo.com

*Available at the Joplin Public Library for checkout!

Me and ShAaron.

11/10/12- She has a rat on her head.

Letter #1 given to ShAaron in San Antonio.

Look for San Antonio show.

Last night I saw Sharon Needles at Martha's Vineyard in Springfield...just 60-something miles from my home! I was so excited the night before last that I couldn't sleep. I watched an episode of Rupaul ("Dragazine" season 4) just to settle in to sleep. I made Sharon a copy of two of my mixes, my Halloween mix I've just renamed "Dead Man's Party" and my best of 2012 mix called "Circumambient" and wrote her a cheesy little card as well with sentiments you'd expect, like that she's an inspiration to me and that I feel super validated having a gorgeous goth ladyboy win a competition in the U.S.

And about how she woke me from a coma. He really did. I have been sort of ignoring that dark Stephanie for a long time, and it's a big part of who I am. I never cared what anyone thought until I stepped out of high school and into the "real world", but I've felt out of place ever since. Simply because I stopped making the effort. I stopped wearing fishnets on my arms and smears of black on my face. I even shunned the color black for awhile and I think it was just the poison of what I perceived to be "adult life" that ruined it for me. I remember when dressing up to go out I'd think, "All I know how to do is dress goth!" not making the connection that the REASON for that is that it's the way I'm supposed to dress. I think we all have our Valium against the world. The thing that makes us ok to breath in front of others. For me, this is my physical appearance. Because I don't generally say much, I expect to convey the entirety of who I am through how I look. This is why I have tattoos, piercings, and dress weird, because I genuinely feel that this is a real representation of how I feel on the inside. As I've said many times, I feel like my tattoos have always been there, I just had to DO something so they could surface (this is a metaphorical way of thinking about it, not metaphysical).

Ever since coming to know Sharon Needles on reality TV, I have been dressing up again and experimenting with makeup. I am truly inspired to be me, and I haven't felt that since the days of Shirley and Marilyn Manson. I once again have the courage to love the darkness that has always been my true aesthetic. Most people won't understand this perspective, but I feel so much better now. I don't normally become obsessed with celebrity, but I feel such a kinship with this beautiful creature. We're both left-handed, both got kicked out of school (mine was for a day here and there while he got asked to leave high school permanently, so NOT the same, but similar sentiment) for being a "distraction" to other students, both weird, both almost the same age (he's a few months older, I think). The fact that he's using his celebrity as a platform for acceptance among the weirdos is exactly what I wanted to do when I was on Maury Povich (it so didn't work after the editing, because it was not in their agenda for me to look interesting or intelligent, but I had this grand idea that I would be a glowing example of goth kids on television and the masses would see that we could be smart and nice and not hellbeasts that you have to protect your children from).

11/10/12

Gush gush gush. On Rupaul's Drag Race, as you can imagine, I was gunning for her since the very first moment I saw her in her witch hat on episode one. Every week I worried she'd be kicked off, because goth girls like us are always misunderstood. But for once in our straight world, a campy goth queen prevailed. I've said it so many times, but I truly didn't know I needed the validation until this show. The goth girl buried within screamed to see this beauty in the media telling me it was ok to be me. I'm ashamed I needed outside reinforcement, but I am so incredibly appreciative that it came. It really brought up a lot of emotion for me. Sometimes I get so stuck in my own head that I forget that some people get me sometimes, but it is very rare. I also forget that most people don't have this problem. I know we all get less validation than we need, but I truly think differently, and I feel out of place almost all the time. I don't get too hung up on it, but when I'm in places like a Sharon show or even just a regular gay bar, I feel the stark contrast between how I feel normally and what it feels like to be accepted and amongst my people. Last night I made some new dancey friends and I was happy. A woman told me I was "wearing that dress" and that I seemed "fearless" and that I must be a "closet performer". She also bought me a drink, so I think she was flirting, but she was very non-confrontational about it and sweet. I've always felt an outpouring of love at gay bars. It's like when the weird ones get together in one room, we can finally be ourselves and be unguarded.

ShAaron and me in San Antonio, 10/19/12

I first met ShAaron in San Antonio when he played Frank N Furter in the Rocky Horror Show. I told her I was sooo happy he exists and she said, "I don't exist honey, you've just gone mad!" She grabbed my head as he said this and bounced it around in her hands. I said, "Well, I like it!" He also liked my day of the dead girl tattoo and said, "I'm going to pretend that's me."

Last night she dedicated her fame, her crown, the reason he's become the icon he's becoming to "anyone who subverts the traditional images of beauty".

To sum up, I'm happy to be gothing it up again, I may have to become a drag queen, and ShAaron has made the list of top 5 all time celebrities and she's in good fucking company (Fiona Apple, Tim Gunn, Grimes, and Joss Whedon).

Me last night. I see why Sharon wears the white
contacts, 'cause you totally can't see my eyes, man.

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No Explanation Necessary.

 

What does it mean to not want to be seen when you ostensibly don't care what others think and aren't particularly self-conscious about your appearance anyway?

This question is posited to me by my therapist and thus myself this Thursday, May 3.

It started by my question of why I was SOOO terribly invested in Sharon Needles winning Rupaul's Drag Race. Why was the goth girl within so obsessed with seeing her win? When I tried to explain this to Chad (I'm supposed to refer to him as Dr. G-----, but I just don't like that...too formal) I described the "goth girl within" and I even said that when I imagine my true self, she is this dark tortured form. This led to the discussion of the self-sabotaging of my creativity in general. How I can fully imagine costumes for costume parties, but I always wait until it is too late to actualize said costume. How I don't do art anymore and why? I originally stopped because I didn't like being an art major. It ruined artistic expression for me for a long time. And the loss of the fattest, longest-running sketchbook of my life also hampered my artistic expression, but years after both of these events, these have just become excuses.

And the issue is me seeing my art reflected in others. I don't like people to comment on my outfits. I don't like to explain Halloween costumes to others (and I always have to explain, because I have NEVER been a creature that's recognizable to others--literally and costume-wise). I HATED art critiques in college because I don't want my words to accompany my art. Seeing someone looking at me or my art (and I am one of those people that feels my physical shape is an extension of my art) makes me feel naked. The weird thing is that this isn't because I am worried how others perceive me. This isn't that I don't want others to perceive me at all. I just don't want to be confronted with them trying to figure me out. Not many people get me, and that's okay, because that makes the few people that do SO special to me. In high school when I dressed in full Gothic regalia almost every day, I knew my real friends were the ones that didn't comment on my shocking appearance...the ones that wordlessly knew I wasn't doing it for attention, I was doing it because I NEED to express myself in a visual way. I am one of those weirdos that feels that all of my body modifications have always existed, they just had to be surfaced, brought to fruition with needles and ink (in that I feel more whole with every self-made change in my appearance and it is a HUGE part of who I am). My self-expression is an obsession and at times I don't have the energy to present myself the way I see myself in my head. And sometimes I don't have the energy to deal with the repercussions of presenting myself the way I feel I truly am.

I have harped on this issue too much, but I suppose it is still something I'm processing. I have to express myself, but I don't seem to want to know others are seeing me as a sore thumb. I don't mind if they keep their thoughts to themselves, but I have this overall vibe from the general public that I am expected to defend my weird choices. I realized today that the point of contention is the point where I try to be nice and explain who I am to others. Why I'm like this...WHAT my costume is. I get defensive because often people are flippant with how I choose to present myself. Like when I died my hair hot pink and a woman asked me if I lost a bet and was simply flabbergasted that I would do this thing on purpose. This is a typical attitude I get from people and this has always left me with the feeling that perhaps others are suppressing their individuality, but this is also something I can't know for sure because for ME the thing that's flabbergasting is when others DON'T express themselves visually. After the tornado I was SO incredibly grateful that I still had my clothes because I'm not sure I would have survived wearing donated clothing for months before I could start collecting my particular garment weirdness again. I'm sure I would have received clothing from all the glorious weirdos in my life, and it would have been magnificent, but at the time I couldn't imagine not having the wealth of hand-me-downs and thrift store treasures I've collected since middle school.

I digress, this moment that I don't enjoy is the one where I try to explain myself, because I firmly believe that art should be interpreted by the viewer--within, in the case where an aspect of me is art. If you want to be thoughtful about what I present to the universe (my art, my writing, my physical self) and send me an email or text msg with your observations after contemplation or if you have genuine thoughtful questions as to why I do what I do, I am very open to that.

Ultimately, the problem is me. I have to be able to say "I don't feel the need to explain my art to you right now." And not worry if that makes me look like an ass. Sometimes I have a hard time being gracious and patient with others and sometimes when I'm particularly raw, I simply don't go out in public because I don't want to explain myself. This is why being goth in the '90s was so easy. People avoided you. Black lipstick was the "Do Not Cross" barrier written on my face. Those that crossed it anyway knew what I was about and accepted me without words. No explanation necessary.

I know this is an issue that not a lot of people understand. Just try to imagine if you looked like a weirdo every day of your life, and you looked that way because it was your idea of beauty and it was how you felt most comfortable in your skin, and others seemed taken-aback and shocked by your appearance EVERY DAY and felt the need to comment. Obvious things like "You have a deer tattoo on your arm!" and "That dress looks like it's from the '70s." etc. Every article of your physical being up for display and comment every day. I realize these comments are something that a lot of more extroverted people wouldn't mind fielding day in and day out, but it sucks me dry. Like a husk. It's a huge source of cognitive dissonance for me because I simply cannot leave the house unless I look how I feel...unless my visual form represents the innards of me, but when I'm a husk, I can't deal with the confusion my appearance causes in others.

So, the crux of all of this blather is that I somehow need to stop responding to the comments. I need to NOT explain my art and do it anyway. If I show up at work with fishnets on my arms on a regular Tuesday, I will act as if nothing is awry, because NOTHING IS AWRY. And when a stranger asks why, I will say "Because I like fishnets" or "I don't feel the need to explain my art to you" or "Why not?" or "Why are you wearing bracelets on your arms?" or perhaps I'll unearth the familiar and effective scowl. And part two of this transformation needs to actualize in the reactions of others having no effect on my energy. I can't let inane comments have influence on how I feel or how I present myself. I need to create more than I currently do. I can't let past suppressions of my expression dictate my current expression of self.

Again, thank you, Sharon Needles.