Top 5 Buffy Significant Others.

Y'all know I have a RELATIONSHIP with Buffy the Vampire Slayer. What you may not have known is that upon each re-watch I fall more in love with a different character I may have overlooked before.

I give you my current top 5 characters in Buffy I would so totally date if they were real and I weren't happily married to a man who embodies qualities of all 5 (yes, even the Honorable Mention, Michael. Embrace the similarities!). Oh, um *spoilers* ahead, if you care about that kind of thing.

#5 -- Giles.

Admittedly, though I do at times find him sexy as hell, what I really want from Giles is for him to be to me what he is to Buffy. He gets to be on the list because a) the older I get the more attractive I find him and b) if I were Giles' age and lived in the Buffyverse, I'd totally ask him out. Back to wanting him to be my dad though (ok, that sounded gross. Someone that isn't your dad you can find attractive AND want him to be your dad, right?)...

Giles is smart, protective, witty, goofy, and wise. My whole life I've chosen men in pop culture to be the "dad I never had" (It's a whole thing, but my dad and I were at odds most of my childhood. He wasn't really a "dad" so much as an adult who yelled at me every other weekend. We made up before his death in 2011, but our relationship was never easy.) in my mind, and Giles is really the most satisfying example of a father figure in pop culture. Though he did betray Buffy that one time (he tried to help Wood kill Spike in season 7), he was otherwise consistently supportive of Buffy without coddling her or sugar-coating life. He was willing to say and do the hard things (confronting Willow after bringing B back from the dead, killing Ben when Buffy couldn't, etc) while still being unquestioningly there for Buffy (When her mom dies, that moment when he immediately belays his reaction to comfort Buffy within an INSTANT of realizing what has happened just KILLS me.). If all dads could be like Giles, Cliff Huxtable, and Red from That '70s Show we'd all turn out just FINE, thank you.

#4 -- Spike.

Spike used to be my #1 Blondie Bear, but upon recent re-watchings I've realized how manipulative and terrible he was to Buffy when they were boinking in season 6. As SOON as he finally "got bouncy" with her, he got cocky and started saying controlling boyfriend-type things to her to get her to keep coming back to him. It was really gross. And I still haven't forgiven him this last time around for attempting to rape Buffy. That was a genuinely terrible moment. I kind of glazed over it like it wasn't "no thang" when it first aired (2002), which just tells you how abusive my relationship was at the time. Spike was a fluffy puppy in comparison. Anyway, he is #4 on my list because of his complete loyalty to the woman he loves. It's blind and retarded loyalty (he was willing to kill Drusilla to "prove his love" to Buffy!), but if that loyalty is directed at you, you've gotta respect that. The way he looks at Buffy when he's in love with her and having empathy for her is enough to put him in this list. That look he gets when he's awkwardly trying to comfort Buffy slays me. Even before he got his soul back, he had genuine love for Buffy and Drusilla. He would literally die for Buffy or Drusilla. He treated Harmony like shit though, so I don't know. Spike has the most interesting character arc of any male character on Buffy, and I really genuinely like him, but he would be an unhealthy boyfriend to have. Probably a good lay, however.

#3 -- Tara.

Tara is the perfect girlfriend. She's sweet and loyal and beautiful and awkward and nerdy and smart and empathetic and a good witch. She's just perfection. She has the coolest bedroom ever in the history of television (black walls, crystals, white Xmas lights, candles, jewel tones, etc). She doesn't put up with Willow's shit and she has integrity coming out her ears. There is literally nothing wrong with Tara. I wish Tara had gotten more development on the show, but since she wasn't a main character or a bf of Buffy, she was often too much in the background. She deserves her own comic or something. Origins of Tara? That would be awesome. Anyway, her place on the list starts the practical S.O.s. From here to #1 on my list, these are the relationships that could be forever-material as actual loyal, realistic, fully-actualized relationships to have.

Look, I refrained from posting that topless pic of Nicholas Brendon!

#2 -- Xander.

Xander is loyal, pretty (just look at those eyebrows!), and genuinely good. His character probably changes the least of anyone on the show. He starts off dweeby, cute, and sweet and he stays that way. Extra points for becoming a carpenter! His attraction to weird girls, demons, and tactless-truth-saying females is probably his most endearing quality. He also has mad empathy and delivers the most heartwarming speeches of anyone on the show. Why can't Willow magic him a freaking eyeball?!?! Grrr. He still has the patch in the comics! His refusal to like any vampires ever, even if they have earned redemption-status, is a little annoying, but I forgive him because he's just such a stand-up guy in every other respect. He's a lot like my pretty Mike, too.

I like pictures of pretty people
standing in trees, apparently.

#1 -- Oz.

Pale. Black fingernails. Ever-changing hair color, while being a ginger in his natural state (rawr). Smart. Loyal. Likes weird girls. Taciturn. Philosophical. He's just as perfect as Tara, really. I don't think I was ever mad at Oz, until he left Sunnydale. He needed to go, though. I understand that. I don't know how I could have chosen between Tara and Oz when he comes back after Willow is already beginning a relationship with Tara. Willow gets to have the most perfect boyfriend ever AND the most perfect girlfriend ever in the space of a year. Bitch! Seriously though, Oz makes my heart melt and he is absolutely the boy I'd pursue if I were Willow, and often when I dream about the Buffyverse, Willow is the character I embody. The only thing that could make Oz cooler would be if he could control himself when he was in wolf form, so he could be an asset in a fight and maybe be cuddled as a wolf. That could be cool, but that would require a totally different mythology of werewolves than exists in the Buffyverse. In my mind, he's that kind of werewolf, though. And he has Buddy Holly glasses. Ok, NOW Oz is perfect.

A velvet shirt AND a tree in this one. Ooh!

*Honorable Mention -- Angel.

Initially, Angel was a character I truly didn't give a fuck about. The more I rewatch both Buffy and Angel the more I like Angel. He likes to sit around in the dark and read all broody-like. I can respect that. He can be really funny and he's a good guy as long as he hasn't lost his soul or anything. The way he tirelessly seeks atonement for his evils as a vampire is pretty endearing to me, as well. I do love an angsty boy! I used to not find him attractive at all, but he's grown on me in the last 5 years or so. I absolutely love it when he and Spike bicker. Cutest. I also enjoy all the opportunities the writers of Buffy took in getting any male character topless whenever they could, though I wish Spike and Angel hadn't been intentionally hairless. Let that chest hair grow wild, boys! Angel does look good in velvet, I must say.


Thus concludes my list of Buffy relationships. Here's a couple of other pictures I found that are pretty hilarious:

This looks like if Willow, Xander, and Buffy had been a cool '90s electronic band. Awesome!!

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Zeppo

Episode 47.
airdate: 26 Jan 1999.

This is the Xander-centric episode told mostly from his POV. He has his own little plucky soundtrack and the whole vibe is whimsical and much less dramatic than most episodes. Does this mean we take Xander less seriously? Perhaps. Let's dive in, shall we?

We begin with fog and Giles, Buffy, Faith, and Willow fighting a scary lady demon. They kill her. Willow is fighting with spells (turns out the fog was hers), Giles is fighting with knowledge, and Buffy and Faith are the brawn, of course. Xander is an afterthought. You don't even find out he's there, offscreen passed out, until the foe is vanquished and they've been assessing for a few lines of dialogue...

Buffy then encourages Xander to be "Fray Adjacent" from now on, stay out of danger etc. Giles concurs. So, the premise is set that Xander doesn't feel like a man and has some insecurities surrounding his place in the pack, etc.

Scene two shows Xander attempting to join in on a game of catch with some football jocks. He misses the ball when someone finally throws to him and it hits a slimy-looking bully kid who then threatens Xander. Cordelia oversees/hears and torments Xander and his lack of manliness/cool, calls him the zeppo.

Urbandictionary.com defines zeppo as; One person in a group or gang that is either used, ignored, and/or stepped on quite frequently.

Poor Xander.

At lunch, Xander ponders the essence of cool aloud to Oz. Xander decides he needs a thing.

Cut to Giles and Buffy...there's an Apocalypse comin'. The Hellmouth is going to open up and Oz's werewolf self is howling. Everyone is in research-mode but they barely mention it to Xander. Xander shows up in a beautiful turquoise convertible. A girl is interested in Xander because of his car and Cordelia oversees/hears. Turns out the girl is obsessed with cars and pretty boring. Xander sees Angel and offers to help, but Angel tells him "to stay out of harm's way".

Xander hits a car. Bully-dude shows up and threatens Xander with a knife. A cop shows up and Xander covers for bully-dude. Bully-dude decides Xander will be his wheel-man. He has Xander take him to "get the boys", which turns out are in the cemetery, 'cause they're dead. Zombie-dudes.

Cut to dramatic chanting in Latin or Aramaic or whatever from Giles...whoever he just summoned won't help him. Xander shows up along with his whimsical theme music and offers his help, again he is denied. Giles doesn't notice Xander is hanging out with zombies.

Poor Xander.

The Zombie Dudes make Xander take them to break into a hardware store for supplies to "bake a cake". Xander runs into Willow and she hugs him and tells him she loves him all dramatically. Xander escapes the Zombie Dudes and finds Faith fighting another lady demon. They escape to her room without her getting to kill the demon. She seduces Xander...thus he loses his virginity. Xander with his shirt off! Faith promptly kicks Xander out afterwards.

Oz-as-werewolf is pretty wound up 'cause of the Apocalypse and all, so Willow has to shoot him with a tranquilizer gun twice.

Xander realizes the "cake" the Zombie Dudes were making is actually a bomb. Xander decides he's out of his league and goes to find Buffy. Cut to Buffy and Angel in their normal yelling at each other drama...Xander shows up to ask for help, but seeing them yelling at each other decides to handle it on his own. The gang is doing heavy spell action in the library over the Hellmouth while Zombie Dudes are in the broiler room below setting up the bomb...meanwhile, Xander decides to find Giles for help, but at the last minute sees Zombie Dudes and drags one of them alongside his car getting information from him about where the bomb is.

The music in this episode really MAKES the episode. Xander's theme is whimsical fiddle, which plays when you're seeing his POV, whereas the rest of the time it's all drama Apocalypse orchestra...the transitions to and from Xander's theme to the serious movie theme that we'd be used to in an End-of-the-World episode is brilliant. Seeing it from Xander's perspective takes the pressure off a bit from the usual histrionics of the world through Buffy's eyes. It really makes the Buffy-world seem overly ridiculous.

Everyone is in the school now while Xander is trying to dismantle the bomb unbeknownst to the rest of the gang fighting the scary monsters coming out of the Hellmouth in the library. No one knows that the whole school might be blowed up by some mean Zombies and that Xander is on it! It comes down to a staring contest of will between Zombie Bully Dude Leader and Xander as the seconds tick by on the bomb. Xander wins out and Bully Dude dismantles the bomb, thus Xander saves the freaking world AND proves his manliness to Bully Dude, then Oz eats him...Bully Dude, not Xander (but Xander doesn't see this).

Xander's self worth is restored, and he tells no one what he did. So classy. Cordelia attempts to taunt Xander again and he just smiles and walks on by, not validating her at all. Yeah! Take that, bullies of the world!

Moral: Self worth comes from within. You don't need anyone else to validate you. I like it.