The Results Are In...

But I'm not tellin' my top ten...yet. First, I must bore you with more assessments!

The last four TV shows on the chopping block are:

*The Mighty Boosh
*Gilmore Girls
*Dollhouse
*Star Trek: The Next Generation

I'd like to talk about something even more important. Let's take a little break from the shows themselves and dwell for a moment upon the beautiful, the swoon-worthy, and the dreamy. I will be truthful with you. I watch television mostly to laugh and to look at pretty people. I like my laughing to be produced from the self-deprecation of good-natured gorgeous people. I may need to go even further back...

The people in life that I find to be of the finest in eye candy don't have to possess any specific visual qualities, save perhaps for a rebellious spark in the eye and unkempt hair. The people I crush upon are self-driven individuals with distinct personalities which usually include a specific-to-them style of dress, however this is not a requirement, as you shall see with #3 below. I have fallen for men and women of varying races, sizes, and sexual orientations (sadly, not all orientations point towards me). One of my only turn-offs is close-mindedness, and you won't find that failing in the following,

MixtressRae's top five TV crushes of all time (in chronological order of appearance into the culture's consciousness): 

*Oz from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

     Personality: Oz is taciturn, loyal, respectful, witty, perceptive, and smart. When Willow throws herself at him for the wrong reasons, he respectfully declines her advances (before their first kiss and before their first sexual encounter) because he's a stand-up guy and he's perceptive enough to see the motives behind her actions. Oz rarely says anything, but when he does, his words have economy and meaning.
     Visual Appeal: What makes Oz a cutie in my eyes is that he paints his nails black most of the time and dyes his hair different colors frequently without calling attention to it.
     Best Life Companion For: high school boyfriend. Oz would be a most wonderful mate for someone in high school. He respects a girl's autonomy while also being willing to pull out the sweetness when necessary. He'd take you to prom AND give you your space when you want to curl up with a book and the quiet alone on a random Friday night. This is one member of the male gender that was taught that "no means no" and every teenage heterosexual girl could use a guy like this in her corner early on in her dating life.
     Bonus: Oz is a werewolf that later learns meditation techniques to control the wolf within. Hot!

*Vince Noir from The Mighty Boosh

     Personality: Vince is basically a sweet-natured simpleton that has the exact same music taste as me. His ringtone is a midi version of "Cars" by Gary Numan.
     Visual Appeal: He's a gothic-leaning pretty boy not afraid to wear makeup, glitter, or anything current society would think "girly". Vince is also not afraid to accentuate his cleavage and I'm similarly not afraid to tell you, I'm into that. Crossdressing is hawwwwt. He also has a smashy hook nose that I like. If Robert Smith was as visually gorgeous as his voice sounds, he'd look like Vince Noir.
     Best Life Companion For: bestie. Vince is the kind of eye candy you might choose not to sully by eating. He'd be a brilliant best friend, maybe the kind of bestie you sometimes accidentally make out with -- I would also gladly accept his nuggets of positivity as a "life coach" kind of BFF.
     Bonus: Vince gets along with every single weird creature (half of those weird creatures are played by Noel Fielding, thus ARE him, essentially) in the Boosh-universe and has a very optimistic outlook on life.

*Jim Halpert from The Office (US)

     Personality: Kind, mischievous, inventive, respectful, quick-witted, and (there's that word again) loyal. Jim is just as good of a friend to Pam as he later becomes a boyfriend, then a husband, then a co-parent. This character is legendary for a reason.
     Visual Appeal: That smile and those kind eyes. Halpert just has that genuine good dudeness aura about him. Generally, I don't fall for normal-types, but Jim is relatable and cuddle-worthy even to an oppressively weird girl such as myself.
     Best Life Companion For: ever. He's a great friend, great boyfriend, and a wonderful husband. Jim is a keeper (reminds me a bit of my Michael). Jim + Pam = 4eva!!!
     Bonus: His hair is real messy most of the time. I can get behind that, if you know what I mean...what?

*Moss from The IT Crowd

     Personality: Moss is a nerd that seems to have never tried not being a nerd, and that is just the coolest.
     Visual Appeal: He wears plaid shirts, has amazing glasses, sweet cords, and the best hair on any television character EVER. I can't even describe his hair. It's super fluffy and curly, but it also contains this strict side-part (not pictured) that makes the whole thing just too insanely amazing for words. He also wears his backpack all snug with his hands on the straps and it just, it kills me. On cuteness alone, were I to rate these boys, Moss would win, no question.
     Best Life Companion For: work mate. I want him to be my best work friend. I want to wait outside nerd-movies in costume on opening night with him. Basically, I want to be Roy.
     Bonus: Moss and I would probably have a lot of nerdy tech and pop culture things to talk about. I think we'd be great friends. Be real, Moss! Be real, so that I can have a completely asexual relationship with you.

*Topher Brink from Dollhouse

      Personality: Topher is the smartest neuro-nerd of any fictional neuro-nerd I know. He talks fast, he's confident, he's of questionable morality (but eventually redeems himself), he's a bit nuts, and he's unintentionally funny in that way only true nerds can achieve.
     Visual Appeal: Do you see that sweater vest? Also, even in high-necked shirts, you can see a bit of chest hair peaking out. Mmm-hmm. Messy hair? Check.
     Best Life Companion For: having really complicated arguments/debates while playing video games and eating snacks from his "drawer of inappropriate starches".
     Bonus: Nice pointy nose. 

Honorable Mention: Tara Maclay from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

     Willow gets the best companions ever. Tara is beautiful, sweet, smart, and kind of goth. She is the most compassionate/empathetic of any of the Buffy characters, I think.
   
Now, it's 1am and I'm too tired to tell you about those four TV shows I promised, so you'll just have to wait until tomorrow, babies.

Maybe I'll edit this tomorrow, but tonight I shall post now and ask questions later...live with it!

Top 5 Buffy Significant Others.

Y'all know I have a RELATIONSHIP with Buffy the Vampire Slayer. What you may not have known is that upon each re-watch I fall more in love with a different character I may have overlooked before.

I give you my current top 5 characters in Buffy I would so totally date if they were real and I weren't happily married to a man who embodies qualities of all 5 (yes, even the Honorable Mention, Michael. Embrace the similarities!). Oh, um *spoilers* ahead, if you care about that kind of thing.

#5 -- Giles.

Admittedly, though I do at times find him sexy as hell, what I really want from Giles is for him to be to me what he is to Buffy. He gets to be on the list because a) the older I get the more attractive I find him and b) if I were Giles' age and lived in the Buffyverse, I'd totally ask him out. Back to wanting him to be my dad though (ok, that sounded gross. Someone that isn't your dad you can find attractive AND want him to be your dad, right?)...

Giles is smart, protective, witty, goofy, and wise. My whole life I've chosen men in pop culture to be the "dad I never had" (It's a whole thing, but my dad and I were at odds most of my childhood. He wasn't really a "dad" so much as an adult who yelled at me every other weekend. We made up before his death in 2011, but our relationship was never easy.) in my mind, and Giles is really the most satisfying example of a father figure in pop culture. Though he did betray Buffy that one time (he tried to help Wood kill Spike in season 7), he was otherwise consistently supportive of Buffy without coddling her or sugar-coating life. He was willing to say and do the hard things (confronting Willow after bringing B back from the dead, killing Ben when Buffy couldn't, etc) while still being unquestioningly there for Buffy (When her mom dies, that moment when he immediately belays his reaction to comfort Buffy within an INSTANT of realizing what has happened just KILLS me.). If all dads could be like Giles, Cliff Huxtable, and Red from That '70s Show we'd all turn out just FINE, thank you.

#4 -- Spike.

Spike used to be my #1 Blondie Bear, but upon recent re-watchings I've realized how manipulative and terrible he was to Buffy when they were boinking in season 6. As SOON as he finally "got bouncy" with her, he got cocky and started saying controlling boyfriend-type things to her to get her to keep coming back to him. It was really gross. And I still haven't forgiven him this last time around for attempting to rape Buffy. That was a genuinely terrible moment. I kind of glazed over it like it wasn't "no thang" when it first aired (2002), which just tells you how abusive my relationship was at the time. Spike was a fluffy puppy in comparison. Anyway, he is #4 on my list because of his complete loyalty to the woman he loves. It's blind and retarded loyalty (he was willing to kill Drusilla to "prove his love" to Buffy!), but if that loyalty is directed at you, you've gotta respect that. The way he looks at Buffy when he's in love with her and having empathy for her is enough to put him in this list. That look he gets when he's awkwardly trying to comfort Buffy slays me. Even before he got his soul back, he had genuine love for Buffy and Drusilla. He would literally die for Buffy or Drusilla. He treated Harmony like shit though, so I don't know. Spike has the most interesting character arc of any male character on Buffy, and I really genuinely like him, but he would be an unhealthy boyfriend to have. Probably a good lay, however.

#3 -- Tara.

Tara is the perfect girlfriend. She's sweet and loyal and beautiful and awkward and nerdy and smart and empathetic and a good witch. She's just perfection. She has the coolest bedroom ever in the history of television (black walls, crystals, white Xmas lights, candles, jewel tones, etc). She doesn't put up with Willow's shit and she has integrity coming out her ears. There is literally nothing wrong with Tara. I wish Tara had gotten more development on the show, but since she wasn't a main character or a bf of Buffy, she was often too much in the background. She deserves her own comic or something. Origins of Tara? That would be awesome. Anyway, her place on the list starts the practical S.O.s. From here to #1 on my list, these are the relationships that could be forever-material as actual loyal, realistic, fully-actualized relationships to have.

Look, I refrained from posting that topless pic of Nicholas Brendon!

#2 -- Xander.

Xander is loyal, pretty (just look at those eyebrows!), and genuinely good. His character probably changes the least of anyone on the show. He starts off dweeby, cute, and sweet and he stays that way. Extra points for becoming a carpenter! His attraction to weird girls, demons, and tactless-truth-saying females is probably his most endearing quality. He also has mad empathy and delivers the most heartwarming speeches of anyone on the show. Why can't Willow magic him a freaking eyeball?!?! Grrr. He still has the patch in the comics! His refusal to like any vampires ever, even if they have earned redemption-status, is a little annoying, but I forgive him because he's just such a stand-up guy in every other respect. He's a lot like my pretty Mike, too.

I like pictures of pretty people
standing in trees, apparently.

#1 -- Oz.

Pale. Black fingernails. Ever-changing hair color, while being a ginger in his natural state (rawr). Smart. Loyal. Likes weird girls. Taciturn. Philosophical. He's just as perfect as Tara, really. I don't think I was ever mad at Oz, until he left Sunnydale. He needed to go, though. I understand that. I don't know how I could have chosen between Tara and Oz when he comes back after Willow is already beginning a relationship with Tara. Willow gets to have the most perfect boyfriend ever AND the most perfect girlfriend ever in the space of a year. Bitch! Seriously though, Oz makes my heart melt and he is absolutely the boy I'd pursue if I were Willow, and often when I dream about the Buffyverse, Willow is the character I embody. The only thing that could make Oz cooler would be if he could control himself when he was in wolf form, so he could be an asset in a fight and maybe be cuddled as a wolf. That could be cool, but that would require a totally different mythology of werewolves than exists in the Buffyverse. In my mind, he's that kind of werewolf, though. And he has Buddy Holly glasses. Ok, NOW Oz is perfect.

A velvet shirt AND a tree in this one. Ooh!

*Honorable Mention -- Angel.

Initially, Angel was a character I truly didn't give a fuck about. The more I rewatch both Buffy and Angel the more I like Angel. He likes to sit around in the dark and read all broody-like. I can respect that. He can be really funny and he's a good guy as long as he hasn't lost his soul or anything. The way he tirelessly seeks atonement for his evils as a vampire is pretty endearing to me, as well. I do love an angsty boy! I used to not find him attractive at all, but he's grown on me in the last 5 years or so. I absolutely love it when he and Spike bicker. Cutest. I also enjoy all the opportunities the writers of Buffy took in getting any male character topless whenever they could, though I wish Spike and Angel hadn't been intentionally hairless. Let that chest hair grow wild, boys! Angel does look good in velvet, I must say.


Thus concludes my list of Buffy relationships. Here's a couple of other pictures I found that are pretty hilarious:

This looks like if Willow, Xander, and Buffy had been a cool '90s electronic band. Awesome!!

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: New Moon Rising.

Episode 75.
airdate: 2 May 2000.

Tara and Willow holding hands. Oz shows up out of the blue. He's only really been gone six months. Riley is close-minded about Willow dating a werewolf. "I never knew you were such a bigot!" Oz can now control when he's a wolf through meditation or something, 'cause it's a full moon and he's still Oz. He wants Willow back. It would be really hard to choose between Oz and Tara. I heart Oz so much, but Tara is such a sweety-pie. I like Willow and Tara together better. I'd like to keep Oz for myself and while we're living in an alternate universe I'd like Tara to not get shot in season six by Warren and her and Willow to be together forever.

Willow tells Buffy about Tara and Buffy reacts well. Willow doesn't know what she wants to do. She goes to see Tara after talking with Oz all night and tells her she doesn't know what to do and then Oz runs into Tara later and "smells" Willow on her. He turns into the wolf when he realizes Tara is a "threat" to him. The Initiative dudes tranquilize him and take him away to a cage in the Initiative. Riley almost kills wolf-Oz when he turns back into Oz. Adam's been talking to Spike. Promises him he'll get his chip out if he helps him with something or other. Help him kill Buffy probably...I wasn't paying attention to the specifics.

Poor Oz is naked and alone. Riley tries to get him out, but they stop him and lock him up too. Why the hell is he still hanging out with those dingbats? Some high-ranking officer says mean stuff about Buffy and basically gives him the choice to help them take her down and then his "good name" will be restored. He calls them "the Slayer and her band of freaks" and "anarchists". The freaks go to infiltrate the Initiative while Giles and Anya do some computer hacking from Giles' house. They realize when they get there they have to save Riley AND Oz. Riley says "If I leave now I can't ever come back." Buffy stares at him. "I just wanted to hear it out loud." So, finally, he's done with the dingbats! Woo hoo! This somehow means Riley and Buffy have to stay in the burned out high school. Buffy finally tells Riley about her past with Angel.

Willow and Oz need to talk now. He missed his chance. She tells him some part of her will always be waiting for him. Closure. She goes to Tara and there's suggested makeout, but you don't get to see it because it's the year 2000 and girls can't kiss onscreen yet. They won't get to until Joyce dies in season 5.