Horror Movie Review: Cabin in the Woods

The Cabin in the Woods (2011) is a meta-analysis of the entire horror genre. It's funny, self-aware, and gruesome. Lots of spoilers ahead as per usual, but this time, if you haven't seen the movie (and you should if you like meta-horror or Joss Whedon) DON'T read on. This movie is best viewed without spoilers.

I was really really super-psyched about this movie when it came out because it is a horror written by Joss Whedon. I knew he would subvert the genre and flip it on its head. He did and this is a really great horror film, but it also disappointed me this time around...just a bit.

We have the traditional horror formula here. Hot dude and hot chick are in a relationship, stoner dude, smart dude, and "virgin" girl protagonist. The film has interesting ways of letting you know that these are out-dated archetypes and if these are the rules, perhaps it's time to break the rules and start over. Buuuuut, they still employ these outdated stereotypes of horror. We still see gross displays of the over-sexed blonde, including her topless. That disappointed me. It's not like you HAVE to have it. They could have shown the reaction to it without showing it, if they wanted to make the point that it's part of the process.

I do like that the movie ultimately threw the gauntlet of horror at you and then blew it up. Like see, we can be done with this formula now, ok? But again, it used the formula to make the movie that thinks the formula should be blown up, sooooo....

I don't know what to think. The meta of horror was done better in "Scream" without showing boobs. The music is pretty good in this film, but the score wasn't even noticeable. Joss has terrible taste in music for the most part though, so that wasn't a surprise. All three of the boy-protagonists are hot, so that's a bonus you don't normally get in horror.

I enjoy that the take-away is supposed to be a big reset button on horror as we know it, but I didn't enjoy it as much this time around as I did the first couple of times watching it.

I would have liked seeing the personalities of the characters a bit more before they were brainwashed. I would have liked this movie a LOT more if they had simply treated the "over-sexed blonde" character with a little more respect. They didn't have to be so overt. We know this character already. Don't hit us over the head with it. AND it was Joss! The film would have benefited from his patented flip-the-gender technique here. We could have seen Hemsworth's character being the oversexed one. Wouldn't that have been nice? He could have been the "whore" archetype! Damn it, why didn't they do that?

Other random notes:
*Joss. Why you gotta always have a big fuck-off snake?
*Sigourney!!! How perfect was that moment when she showed up? No. One. Else. Could have been that character.

If you're a horror aficionado, this movie should be up your alley, because it makes fun of everything you love while still DOING the thing you love. If you want to be genuinely freaked out by your horror, this probably isn't for you. Other than that, pretty great horror film.

Aesthetics: 3

Plot: 4

Characters: 4

Score: 3

Treatment of Women/Minorities: 3.5

Rewatchability: 3

OVERALL: 20.5

Dollhouse.

I'm rewatching "Dollhouse" right now and, as it always does, it's making me philosophize a whole bunch.

For the uninitiated, "Dollhouse" is a TV series that ran from 2009-2010 (only two seasons). Joss Whedon (creator of "Buffy" and "Firefly") was the showrunner. The show's premise was this: A person signs a contract for 5 years of their life to have their brains wiped in order to create a blank slate for other personas to be imprinted into their brains, for a price. A client can order any sort of person for any sort of job, then a "doll" is chosen to fulfill the client's order. When an Active (the doll) isn't on an "engagement" they are left in their brain-wiped state doing art, getting massages, doing yoga and generally kept in a calm and happy state. After their five year contract is up, the person's original personality is returned to them and they are left rich for life with no memory of what happened to them in that five years time. It's a pretty great show and yes it's on Netflix.

Now the questions start coming. Is this prostitution? Would you do this if all your financial burdens would be nonexistent afterwards? Would you be a bad person for ordering a doll? Would you order a doll but draw the line at having sex with them?

The show deals with all of these questions. It even gets into the complicated issues of the realness of the imprinted personalities. Sometimes an Active gets imprinted with a personality for a long-term engagement and doesn't want to give up the personality that feels real to them. Is that personality any more or less real than the one you were born with?

And then there's the societal questions. In the show someone figures out how to do a "remote wipe" wherein an Active can be returned to their blank doll state via a radio frequency. If someone can be wiped remotely like that, someone could create dolls en masse. Someone could create armies en masse. People would become nothing more than programmable computers.

The whole show is one big question: are human brains any different than computers?

Later on in the show, we're given a nightmare vision of a future where remote wipes are commonplace. Half of the population are wiped dolls. Another large percentage are trained to wipe the Actuals (anyone that still has their original personality). There's a group of vigilante dolls that carry imprints of different personalities they need to survive on flash drives they carry around their neck, ready to upload skills they need in any given moment they need it.

Another question is that of immortality. If you could back up your brain to be uploaded into another human being indefinitely, you could live forever. And would that be ok in a situation where someone has signed a contract to be a doll? You could just keep their body for the time of their contract and then move on to another. But people with money and power would exploit this.

Whatever good could be done with this kind of technology, it would ultimately go so VERY VERY wrong. People would be wiped without consent. People would be imprinted without consent.

One of the Actives in the show was forced to sign the contract to become a doll by a man she had rejected in life. He became one of her regular clients, imprinting her with the fantasy version of her original self so that he could have sex with her. That sounds like rape to me, yeah?

Is any sex with an Active rape? Presumably they signed up for this but they're not THERE, you know?

I don't know of any other television show that has made me have as many thoughts about morality and philosophy than this show. It's a shame it got canceled after two seasons. At times, the storyline is confusing and feels rushed.

The fact that the whole thing can also be seen as a metaphor for acting and how actors feel taking on personas for the entertainment of our society is not lost on me, either.

I feel like I'm poor enough that I would consider becoming a doll. But I would ultimately say no because I couldn't be assured that those in power would truly do everything in their power to keep me safe. In the show, the house is run by mostly good people truly looking out for their Actives, but in the real world you couldn't trust people in power. In real life, heroes probably just don't exist.

The last Four: Final Thoughts.

The Mighty Boosh is like an ice cream sandwich. It is talented at being an ice cream sandwich and tastes delicious, but it’s not a more high-brow dessert like tiramisu. It’s not meant to be. You don't even want it to be, because you're having so much fun eating the ice cream sandwich that it is all that you feel. This is a show that’s meant to make you laugh (and possibly feel like you’re tripping a ‘lil bit?).

There are so many memorable bits in the show. Just in the episode I watched for this project entitled "Charlie", there are at least four joke segments I think of often in my everyday life. I could bore you with the description of said shenanigans, but instead I shall pick my favorite. At the beginning of the episode Vince and Howard are talking at work as they distribute seeds. They work in a zoo. The following exchange occurs:

Vince: Come on Howard, put some energy into it! Get involved!
Howard: I'm carrying a bucket of seed. How am I supposed to get involved in that?
Vince: This is the best job in the zoo! Millet distribution.
Howard: There's something wrong with you. You know that, don't you?
Vince: What do you mean?
Howard: You're always happy, aren't you? Everything's "fun" for you. You see a peanut, the day's off to a good start. You witness some soil, it's a jamboree for Vince Noir. I need something more.
Vince: I think it's this poncho. I mean, it's impossible to be unhappy in a poncho.

The "plotline", in as much as The Mighty Boosh ever employs a plot, follows with Howard attempting to become a writer, Vince annoying him, then getting his children's books about a wad of gum named Charlie published himself.

The episode ends with the following:

The Mighty Boosh is this exact flavor of cute insanity all the time. It, like the ice cream sandwich, makes no sense, but once you've experienced it you won't ever forget it. Most of the jokes are visual. If you enjoy the clip above, more can be found on YouTube if you hunt around a bit. There's no need to watch the episodes in any kind of order.

What I like most about Star Trek: The Next Generation (besides space, one of my top five onscreen settings of all time) is the philosophy. The show regularly questioned everything, turning the ideals we've long held in our society on their heads, picking issues apart and putting back only the most logical, moral, and righteous elements.

“The Measure of a Man” questions the personhood of Data, the show’s android. Is he the property of StarFleet or does he belong to himself? Data may profess to not have feelings, but he has attachments and he has opinions. He’s kind of like an autism surrogate. Data is my favorite character in any Star Trek franchise, because I feel I can relate to him more than any other character. I’m not fiery like B’Elanna (from Voyager, she’s half Klingon). I’m not authoritative like Spock. I’m not as unfailingly good as Picard. I'm not as kind as Deanna Troi (the empathic Betazoid). But I can see myself in Data; mostly sexless (though “fully functional”), logical, uncomprehending-of-sarcasm, cat-having Data.

Though this episode does not pass the Bechdel Test, like the rest of the series, there are women in authority and no sexism present anywhere, so I shall let it slide. Star Trek, the entire franchise (even, for its time, the original series), represents females in a positive and (sadly still) forward-thinking light.

This episode speaks to slavery and personhood in a very succinct manner. It delivers morality in that sophisticated way that Star Trek is known to do. The episode is of course focused on Data, but there’s an Emmy-worthy smackdown by Captain Jean-Luc Picard during Data’s trial at the end that is an absolute show-stopper. I looooooove watching that man lay the smack down!

This show was a pioneer in forward-thinking diversity. I noted several characters of non-white races in just this episode alone, not to mention the entire franchise’s use of “alien” presence to denote diversity acceptance. Most shows today don’t have such a diverse cast and this show aired in the ‘80s. Oh how we have backslid.

It was difficult for me to pick a favorite episode of this series, not because I had so many, but because I don't remember them individually. I've only been through the series once, over the course of a few years with Michael, usually before bed. I've slept through many of these episodes. I like the show a great deal, but putting it on feels like hanging out with the characters to me. I don't feel the pressure to pay attention to all the details. I just enjoy the process of wishing I were among them. 

That said, this episode truly had my attention, both the first time I saw it and last night when I watched it again. It's a great stand-alone episode. Watch it on Netflix if you've interest. If you like it, the series is for you and congratulations. You are now a trekkie.

I find the premise of Dollhouse to be very intriguing. A person signs a five year contract with a company that will back your brain-substance and personality up on a hard drive before wiping it, leaving that previously occupied brain-space to imprint personalities as paying clients see fit. In return, you will be wealthy for life after your five year contract. As a bonus perk, traumatic memories can be left out of your self-imprint before it's put back into your head. It’s essentially slavery and prostitution, but you won’t remember any of it and you’ll be rich and happy when you wake up. That’s a job I might consider signing up for…which I guess makes me a whore. Whatevs.

I think the parallels between prostitution and acting are at the surface of the metaphor. Each episode of this show takes you deeper into the rabbit-hole of this premise. It is so intriguing. This is definitely the most morally-ambiguous and philosophical of the Whedon shows, and I still haven’t sorted out if Joss is an asshole or a pioneer for making it. I’ve only watched the show through twice, and it only survived two seasons, but there was no question that "Echoes" is my favorite episode.

I particularly enjoy episodes of television that take the characters out of their typical personas. It is the foundation of Dollhouse to do this every episode, though watching Eliza Dushku become varying shades of Eliza Dushku isn't quite as enjoyable as the performances of almost every other actor on the show. I love Eliza as Faith on Buffy, but she doesn't have quite the range that this role demanded of her. "Echoes" uses her a bit less while using Topher and Adele a lot more, as accidentally-drugged playmates. They are so much fun together, like stoned teenagers. It is almost as enjoyable as watching Giles become a teenager again in Buffy's "Band Candy". 

Being a Joss Whedon enterprise, there isn't a problem with female representation. Every group of characters has equal numbers of men and women. At this point (2009) in Whedon's career, there's not a problem with racial diversity here either. The show is enjoyable, pretty, and makes you think. Enough said about that, for now.

The episode of Gilmore Girls I watched is "Those Are Strings, Pinocchio". It's the one where Rory graduates from a very prestigious high school as valedictorian and the entire town of Star's Hollow shares in her joy, like they've shared in all the joys of Rory Gilmore throughout her entire existence, 'cause she's got beer-flavored nipples.

Gilmore Girls is a fast-paced witty-dialogue show about the relationship between a young mother (she had Rory at 16) and her daughter. It reminds me of how close my mom and I are, except we are not from money and the entire town of Joplin doesn't adore me like Star's Hollow adores Rory. Like Rory, I read a lot, though I was no valedictorian.

My mother and I watched this show as it was on and then started it over, watching an episode a week almost every week since then. It's so much our thing that we call Thursdays "Gilmore Girl Night". There are great characters in this show, including the cutest Melissa McCarthy as a klutzy chef.

Every female character on this show is an excellent example of a woman that is intelligent and carved her own path ruthlessly and without assistance from men. Also, there's so much family drama in this show that one doesn't need to fulfill their own family dramatic moments. It's like if reality TV were a scripted feminist whirlwind. There's a lot of walking-while-talking scenes in this show. I love those.

I think you've waited long enough. My Top Ten TV Shows of All Time will appear on this very blog...sometime before midnight, 'cause they HAVE to be done by then.

Disappointment in Analysis, volume 2.

I'm not entirely certain, but I think my favorite episode ("Fancyman, Part 1") of New Girl doesn't pass the Bechdel Test. I'm distraught, dismayed, disappointed. The Mighty Boosh and The IT Crowd rarely pass. So many of my favorite things are becoming tainted by an underrepresentation of women...and that tainted tint is evident simply because I've opened my eyes to that harshly glinting light, the source of which is a crippling patriarchy piercing every aspect of my life.

Before the event was cancelled, I was due to attend a burlesque show this evening. I was all atwitter worrying about whether or not I would get outraged at the objectification of women, even if they're objectifying themselves. I've been to a burlesque show before, several years ago. I really enjoyed it the first time, finding it empowering and exhilarating, but now...now I'd be bitching about the lack of men taking off their clothes. Now I'd be noticing the comments of men in the audience. Now I'd probably be storming out of the bar, blood boiling. I'm angry all the time these days, simply because I am paying attention.

Examples of television with very small casts, such as The Mighty Boosh and The IT Crowd, would be acceptable forms of entertainment not passing IF it wasn't such a problem everywhere else. If only every media representation of people in the human race (casts) included non-sexist humor, equal numbers of women to men, well-rounded character representations of women, trans-people, racial diversity, sexual orientation, size-variance, and people enduring disabilities of various kinds. I could enjoy so many more things! I would spend all my money buying entertainment! Is this too much to ask? How are we still a humanity that barely includes HALF (women) our human race on television and in movies?! How have we maintained this white dude dictatorship for so long? How have intelligent people such as myself been brainwashed to not see it for so FUCKING LONG?! I'm so outraged to have to live in a culture of obscured truths and obfuscated perceptions. I will always stand up for those being slighted/de-humanized, but it is exhausting to realize how often this needs to be done.

In the last couple of days I've watched five more episodes in my search for my top ten TV shows of all time. Three episodes passed the Bechdel Test, and that's counting Rupaul's Drag Race, a show that includes a cast that is about 98% men.

I just went back to the New Girl episode and rewatched the two scenes including women talking to each other. There was a very BRIEF paragraph wherein Jess is telling her boss something about assembling a group of kids together for a fundraiser, but really, everything in both conversations is about a man...I'm stretching it to let it pass.

Most of the time, New Girl is very great about representing race, size, gender, and feminism. Of the five main characters (Jess, Nick, Cece, Winston, and Schmidt) two are women and two are of a race other than white. Often, side characters represent many different aspects of humanity as well. The jokes are usually not sexist and the "minority" characters are represented as well-rounded people with nuance. They're not there to be the butt of jokes, at least not any more so than Nick and Schmidt, the two white dudes on the show.

In an episode called "Jess and Julia", Julia is a lawyer dating Nick who is intimidated and hateful towards Jess because she makes cupcakes and brakes for birds. Julia is a woman that has made her brand of feminism about distancing herself from everything "girly". This is exactly the type of dismissive attitude women like Zooey Deschanel have to endure daily. I am this type of girl. I like unicorns and glitter and Hello Kitty, but I'm also a fierce feminist who will rip you a new asshole if you say something sexist to me. I am not less of a badass bitch because I like hearts and have a baby deer tattooed on my forearm. Don't call us "manic pixie dream girls"! Jess notices this attitude and attempts to be nice and make friends with Julia, being met only with disdain and passive-aggressive insults. Finally, Jess makes this speech:

"Ok, HEY. I've got something to say to you, man! I brake for birds. I rock a lot of polka dots. I have touched glitter in the last 24 hours. I spend my entire day talking to children....and that doesn't mean I'm not smart and tough and strong...I'm about to go and pay this $800 fine and my checks have baby farm animals on them, bitch!"

This was a moment for me. Perhaps this is really my favorite episode of New Girl. Later in the ep, Julia goes over to the apartment to hang out with Jess and they become friends. It's ok to be a Julia in pantsuits but it's also ok to bake cupcakes and wear Rainbow Bright t-shirts. Never forget that.

It sucks to want to put a shit-ton of glitter on your face but feel hindered knowing the comments you'll have to endure by doing so. Because Jess represents the exact type of girl I feel I am in my glittery pink heart, I will always love this show. Also, it's really hilarious most of the time. Lately, they've been stumbling, but I still watch the show every week.

Whatever slight feminist failings New Girl possesses, Parks and Recreation has none that I can see. Passes Bechdel Test? Check. Half the cast is women? Check. Racial diversity? Check. Size diversity? Check. Well-rounded, flawed, nuanced characters of all kinds represented? Check. Non-sexist humor? Check. Feminist agenda? Check. Feminist icon? Check!

This show is just, perfect. It is lacking in vampires and ass-kicking, but not every feminist show can be Buffy. I'm learning to accept that. This show is like if The Office were more feminist. This show, sorry Tina Fey, is what 30 Rock wishes it could have been. Oh, God, I just pitted two wonderful, iconic, fierce women against each other! I take it back!

{Lately I've been asking myself if my life passes the Bechdel Test. I have spent the entirety of my adult life in relationships with white men. I've internalized a good chunk of my personality based upon the reflections I make in the men that I have loved. I have to genuinely ask myself how I feel, when it is easy to think about how someone else feels. Nauseating, isn't it? I'm at least 75% the doormat society wants me to be, but I'm LEARNING.}

The episode of Parks and Rec I rated is called "Pawnee Rangers" and it involves a men-only camping trip headed by Ron versus Leslie's all-girl camping trip. Leslie's is much more fun and eventually all the boys from Ron's group want to join, so they are then initiated as "Pawnee Goddesses". There wasn't a single second of this episode that wasn't enjoyable to me. It's also the one with

No spoilers, but this show will be on my top five, which is a feat, because the show isn't over yet, so it loses points for not having a complete arc to judge and it STILL made the top five.

"Just a little prick in the mouth." 

Judging the feminism of Rupaul's Drag Race proved a more interesting and difficult task than I originally anticipated. Fortunately, most episodes include at least two women judges, though they're mostly critiquing/talking about men, men dressed as women. The men refer to each other by their female drag names and female pronouns most of the time. One could argue that drag queens are men making fun of women, but I think they're really making fun of the over-the-top expectations of women. Much of the time they're honoring female icons that they identified with as young gay boys growing up in our sexist culture. I would argue that many gay men that often dress as women would consider themselves feminists. So, do I judge Rupaul's Drag Race as a show about men, a show about men so in love with women that they want to become them, or perhaps the more important question, is a show whose premise is about gender really the LEAST about gender of any of the shows I love? Each episode you get to see these men as men, these men as women, and these men in every stage on their way in and out of Dressing As Girls (drag).

At the very least, this show is eye-opening, gorgeous, and fascinating. At its very best, it's a pun-filled punch of eye candy that humanizes gay men (more than Will and Grace EVER did) and is schooling a nation in acceptance of gay men both as themselves AND as women. If you've never seen this show, it truly is extremely entertaining. These girls are gorgeous and witty and campy and talented and they cry backstage when their parents Skype them telling them they accept them for the first time since they came out two decades ago. It is heartwarming, breathtaking, and hysterical.

You will be amazed at how fishy (feminine, mistaken for women) these queens can be.

I've learned more about charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent from these lady boys than I have from most female icons in the media. I think the way men imitate women can teach us a lot about how very NOT seriously we can take ourselves. Sure, for them it's a costume they can take off, many of them reverting to masculine white men that can "pass" if they wanted to. The "otherness" of gay men, all other things being white, can be hidden. However, there is something refreshing about men doing women better than I can. Being beautiful is baldly an act for these men, but it's an act for women too, only we're supposed to be "authentic". You're not supposed to see beyond our mask, but this show exhibits that mask for what it truly is. It is ARTIFICE, children. Employ it whenever you wish, do as you please, but boys and girls, don't ever forget:

Ultimately, I came on the side of Rupaul definitely being a feminist show. The episode I watched is called "Snatch Game", an episode played each season wherein the queens impersonate a famous female celebrity. I used season 4's version of this episode. It was delightful. I can't believe I almost didn't consider Rupaul's Drag Race in my quest for best TV shows ever.

Next, I watched Firefly's episode entitled "Our Mrs. Reynolds". This episode's premise involves an accidental marriage (custom confusion on a planet the crew visited) between captain Mal and a woman who, by all appearances, seems to want nothing more out of life than to be a very good and submissive wife. Throughout the episode, almost everyone on the ship's crew attempts to teach her a bit of autonomy, tries to lift her up, and treats her like a human being. It turns out that she was playing them to steal their ship, but she was gooooood.

Firefly is a Joss Whedon enterprise. It's basically space cowboys, if you're into that, and who ISN'T, amiright? Don't judge it by the ATROCIOUS theme song. Being a Whedon show, it passes the Bechdel Test with its hands tied behind its back. Nearly every shot involves men and women on equal footing. Women on this show are to be respected, even if they're prostitutes. This show has the most interesting portrayal of a prostitute I've ever seen in television, actually. In this universe, courtesans are trained in a very high class and sophisticated way. In fact, they are considered among the highest class in the caste system. Inara is constantly getting the crew (who are mostly thieves and law-breakers) out of deep shit with her aristocratic influence. She chooses her clients (men and women) very carefully and takes pride in her job. There's this whole involved ritual process in her seduction techniques that sometimes don't even involve sex. Inara has complete control and can back out at any time she feels her work is not progressing to her liking. She's one of the most beautiful (pictured above) women I've ever seen in my life, and she's a PROSTITUTE, but she's not treated with less respect or objectified by the fellow members of her crew. When someone does treat her derisively, she shuts them down. She is principled, funny, and is seen cultivating genuine relationships with other members of the crew.

The show itself is like any other Whedon show. The characters are funny and well-developed. The show is thought-provoking, feminist, and entertaining (did I mention space cowboys?!?). I am among the legion of fans outraged by she show's cancellation after only one short season. We could have had so much more time with this wonderful troop of outlaw space explorers!

"The One With the Football"

Then there's FRIENDS. Despite the obvious criticisms of the show (no racial diversity, some sexist humor, some backhanded gay jokes, etc), I really enjoy FRIENDS. It employs pure physical comedy that lasts 10 seasons without getting stale, in my opinion. I'll rewatch this show forever. Almost every episode is quotable and accomplishes the biggest goal of entertainment in my book: total immersive distraction. There are definitely things to not like about FRIENDS, but I forgive them a lot of these things having grown up with Rachel, Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, Joey and Monica. The show is also wayyyyyy less sexist than the most popular sitcom on television now (Big Bang Theory).

In conclusion, I like TV a lot, though I'm learning to see the terrible injustices within the things that I love, a fact which is both disappointing and sadly, not surprising. I'll take painful truth over blissful ignorance any day if it makes me appreciate fabulous feminists such as Amy Poehler, Joss Whedon, and Zooey Deschanel even more than I already do.

Buffy's "Restless" Revisited.

As described in my last blog entry, I am on a quest to find my top ten TV shows of all time. I have a chart and there's math involved. It's all very organized and methodical. I chose to watch my favorite episode of each of the top 12 contenders, assessing both the episode and the show as a whole on several different criteria.

There's no contest for the top spot on my list of television. Buffy the Vampire Slayer has crawled into my lizard brain, coating the bean of my being (what?) with a light glaze of Summers' blood. I couldn't escape the power of Buffy even if I wanted to, and I'll never want to escape the Slayer's superpowered grip on my psyche. There's a black hole in my personal history that occurred during the last couple of years of high school followed by the couple of years after that. I was in a dark place with a terrible man at my side. In 2001 I was reunited with Buffy Summers when the show appeared on UPN late at night after it wasn't available to me for all of seasons 4 and 5. Mercifully, I got to watch seasons 6 and 7 as they aired. If you're not familiar with Buffy's arc, season 6 was the season that each character was their own "Big Bad". Their angst was so pervasive that they destroyed themselves episode after episode. It was heartbreaking. I cried every week, copious tears of recognition and solace. I saw my boyfriend in Spike, the character that mentally manipulated/verbally abused Buffy. Spike attempted to rape Buffy that season. I started using the name in my online blogs in place of my boyfriend's real name. I wouldn't leave my Spike until 2003, about five years too late. Were it not for Buffy I would have sunk, maybe irretrievably, deeper into that hole.

Am I attributing too much to a TV show? Perhaps, but I say all this to express that my relationship with Buffy is emotional. She is an icon that's imperfect, badass, and relatable. The character was only two years older than me. Her struggles were my struggles, though mine dealt far less in metaphor, unfortunately.

I'll reveal the scores I gave each episode and show at the end of my assessments, but I wanted to speak to my feelings while viewing each piece of entertainment.

Buffy's "Restless" is the last episode of season 4. In atypical season-ending fashion, the "Big Bad" of the season had already been defeated. This is an episode of dreams. We get to see into the psyches of Xander, Giles, Buffy and Willow and it is fantastic. Joss Whedon is the only writer that has ever successfully filmed dreams, in my opinion. In this episode alone, he gets the odd flow of the dreamworld exactly right. Things are said that make sense only in dream-speak. Words are spoken in languages not understood by the dreamer for a character that often doesn't understand in real life (Xander). Metaphors are employed in the ridiculous way of dreams. It is an episode filmed as if underwater, as restorative as a nap.



The score of this episode is minimal, meditative, and sensory. There's a sequence wherein Buffy reaches into a medicine bag full of clay, then rubs it into her face and walks slowly through the desert. The music and picture above are from that scene. It's breathtaking. I don't think I've ever watched this episode out of sequence. It was a fantastic experience. It was a breath. In one episode, the psyche of each character was revealed, mostly through images. Almost every one of my favorite characters (Tara, Oz, Anya, Harmony, etc) makes an appearance here. Tara is sort of the spiritual guide of the dreams, speaking in low-ASMR tones saying things like:

which is equal parts foreboding, as to the later-revealed nature of the Slayer, and simply gorgeous dream-flavored existentialism revelatory of Buffy's view on herself. This statement is so wholly indicative of identity's fluidity over the span of one's life, too. Go ahead, try to grasp what you are. You can't, though we'll spend our lifetimes trying.

In the best episodes of Buffy, most symbolism employed within works on several levels and can be applied upon many different situations. The best art leaves itself open for the viewer to impose one's own interpretation upon it, without the burden of authorship intent impeding, trampling your experience. Buffy is seldom ever heavy-handed in its approach to symbolism. Even inside the dreams of specific characters you've known for four years, one doesn't feel oppression from already knowing their history conflicting with your projections of their dreamworld. In other words, it's easy to tell what their dreams mean to them while simultaneously pulling what YOU need from their dreams into yourself.

Without question, this is my favorite episode of television ever, which makes it hard to quantify it with worrrrrrds. Words pale in comparison to the feeeeeeels. I feel existential calm when watching "Restless". I feel warmth and peace. I am in awe and completely engaged every moment. Most television and movies I enjoy have those parts that you dread or want to fast-forward through. Not "Restless". Nothing in this episode is wasted. Every image, everything going on in the background, every sound, every word uttered is carefully placed and multidimensional in meaning.

Plus, it's a really funny and quotable episode.

The Quest to find my Top Ten TV Shows...

Buffy is #1 of course, but what are the remaining nine slots of my favorite TV shows of all time? To determine the all-important answer to this question, I've made a chart.

On the chart I've listed my top 12 shows:

*Buffy the Vampire Slayer
*Daria
*Dollhouse
*Firefly
*Friends
*Gilmore Girls
*The IT Crowd
*The Mighty Boosh
*New Girl
*The Office (U.S. version)
*Parks and Recreation
*Star Trek: The Next Generation

The second column in the chart, next to show's name, is what I think might be my favorite episode of each show. This turned out to be a more difficult task than I thought it would be. Some shows I knew right away. The Office's "The Injury" I have watched probably a dozen times. I quote it often and enjoy every bit of it. Buffy's "Restless" immediately came to mind as my favorite Buffy episode. Most shows I had to painstakingly look through the episode lists to find the possible favorite ep of each. The aspect of each show that I like usually boils down to the characters and isolated situations that make me happy. For example, I love the fight between Monica and Rachel on "The One After the Super Bowl", but the whole episode isn't gold. The thing I love the most about "The IT Crowd" is Moss. So anyway, I picked an episode per show. An episode I know I like, though in some cases I couldn't choose a favorite.

I will rate each episode on the following five criteria, then average the score for an overall episode total:

*character development/representation within the episode
*storyline
*quotability
*times I felt genuine emotion or high-level intellectual thought in response to the episode
*feminism (like does the episode pass the Bechdel Test and represent chicks well?)

I will then rate the overall scope of the series on the following five criteria:

*character development/likability
*story development/overall engagement in the series
*how often do I think about the show in everyday life/quotability/has the show become a part of me?
*identifiability: how well did the show teach me to cope with something in my own life?
*feminism

THEN, I will average the two averaged scores together to get an overall score for each show. Then I shall have my ranking. At that point, I will probably watch a few more episodes of each of the top five to analyze them more thoroughly.

Here we go!

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Helpless.

I'm actually writing during the commentary of this episode, but I'm needing to create a whole new entry because I was immediately post-tornado when I watched this episode and didn't technically write an entire entry about it.

The commentary is by David Fury, writer of the episode. 

Buffy and Angel are dealing with the fact that they really can't ever consummate their relationship, and then he disappears for the rest of the episode inexplicably. 

This episode deals a lot with father figures betraying you. The patriarchy oppressing you, and in this case Buffy's father really never talks to her again and Giles ends up betraying "The Man" instead and choosing Buffy. He subverts the system, derails a tradition that's really just cruel and shitty (rendering the Slayer helpless with drugs in order to "test" her mental abilities? The premise doesn't even make sense. The fact that they're doing this to all Slayers on their 18th birthday is just a reassertion of their power over the Slayer. It's sick and gross and not cool at all. It's intensely dangerous to make a Slayer, someone who is used to having superpowers, suddenly helpless. But again, patriarchy of the Council...bullshit bullshit. They probably genuinely don't care if Buffy dies on her 18th birthday because if she does, a new Slayer will be called and everything will remain the same for them...wilted little boys not in danger ever. They're evil. 

Urgh. There's a severe thunderstorm happening right now and a tornado watch and Michael just packed an Apocalypse bag and the puppies are a little worried and there are the words "storm cell" and "squall line" in my vocabulary and I hate it. It's also kind of the tornado anniversary in that it's a Sunday, like 5.22.11 and today was the high school graduation like 5.22.11 and I'm on my period like 5.22.11. It's all very scary and I'm trying to watch Buffy instead of think about it but when I saw Michael packing the Apocalypse bag I started to freak out. *deep breath* Buffy is strong, even in her helplessness. She can save me. Only an hour until the watch has passed and then I'll really relax. 

I don't like that Buffy acts as helpless as she is. I realize she's really freaked out, but I think she would have acted a bit more fearless because even though the Slayer-strength is no longer there, she still has learned fighting techniques and has the memories of kicking ass for the last 3+ years. I just think the total helplessness is a bit exaggerated here. 

Apparently, the fact that the vampire took Buffy's red-hooded jacket is a Red Riding Hood thing. Not sure if I'd noticed that before or not. Maybe the image, but not necessarily thinking so far as to call the vampire the wolf in the scenario. 

I wonder if the reason B is more empowered at the end when she defeats the vamp is because she knows what's going on now or because she has just gotten used to the feeling of helplessness...or is she beginning to regain her prowess since she hasn't been dosed in awhile. This episode would have been way better if Joss had written it. The fact that Buffy is in overalls is pretty degrading too. It really denotes MORE of her lack of power. 

Validation.

I seek it at a perverse level of intensity. I seek acknowledgement to the point of need.

If I suggest a plan for the day to my husband, I expect thoughts and a clear-cut, verbalized "Yes" or "No" as to preference of action.

If I, PURELY hypothetically of course, seek an Aspergers diagnosis with my therapist, I expect him to respect automatically that I am answering the questions provided to the best of my ability and not tell me he thinks I was answering them to get diagnosis. That offends me! I've been his client/patient/whatever-you-call-it for many years now, and he immediately invalidates this thing that I am. This thing he very reluctantly agreed I am, after much prodding. Then he didn't want to talk about it anymore. When I took the autism indicator I spent much time and effort making sure I was answering the questions truthfully, but still he doesn't believe me when I say I controlled for my biases. Normally, this assessment would make me question myself, but this time, no.

I'm tired of being the one that's expected to tell others how to treat me. I've spent my whole life knowing and advocating for people telling others how to treat them, and I do think this is incredibly valuable. You have to be assertive to get what you want, or even to know what you want, in this life. However, it is also very important to treat others with respect. Every single action I make that concerns other human being is weighed in my mind before taken. If I were this other person right now, how would this make me feel? Yes, I understand that I think too much...but I have an innate respect for other humans and I expect the same in return. I also understand that a lot of my assumptions on how others will feel in response to my actions is based upon how I would feel, and I'm a weirdo, so...

but again, I'm invalidating myself based upon the response I expect others will give me from these words. I'm just so sick of all the thought and all the screaming into the void I feel I am always engaging in...

I just want someone to get me. Really get me, without all these words in the way. Without me trying to explain. I want it so badly. To be understood. I feel it in small doses on rare occasions. And other occasions I defiantly DON'T CARE. But it's difficult to feel like you're the only one in a room reacting to a thing (a thing everyone in the room is also experiencing) the way you're reacting to it. Singular, alone, other.

The frustration doesn't come from feeling different so much as not being able to use words to tell others my point of view, and even when those words come, people in general do not want to discuss the fact that one weirdo has a reaction and wants to philosophize about a thing.

Again, the metaphor of screaming into the void comes. I'm screaming by blogging, by zine-ing, by art, by self-expression, by conversation, and I feel like I'm looking into a sea of zombie faces. Why doesn't anyone want to talk about feminism, religious dogma oppression, drag queens, Buffy, etc etc? My passions are isolated. I want to THINK and society wants to tamp me down into a tasteless powder.

I'm reading this book by Caitlin Moran called "How to Be a Woman" and one of the things I read yesterday was that she used to talk about the nuance of boys and her relationships constantly, every tiny detail analyzed, until a relationship is working...when something works, you shut up about it. I don't want to talk about boys, 'cause I got a good man...but the reason it's good is because we work at it and we demand respect from one another and give respect TO one another.

I've had cognitive dissonance with regard to the topic of prostitution and stripping for a long time. On the one hand, I've always thought it would take incredible courage to do either of those things and fuck, if dumbasses want to give you money for showing some skin and/or having some sex, take advantage of their stupidity....but, the truth is that these professions exist in their current form of disrespect and degradation BECAUSE of these idiots. I realized yesterday that it's not the professions of stripper and prostitute that bother me at all. I do still have admiration for sex-based professions (porn actors, strippers, prostitutes, etc), but they need to be in COMPLETE control of what they do. If all strippers were like burlesque performers (in their approach, not their look), in control of what they're doing and enjoying their sexuality WITH others who are respectfully (for the most part in burlesque, it's like a drag show. Everything's light-hearted, sexy AND fun...not dark and scary like regular strip clubs.) enjoying the show, then that would be wonderful. If all prostitutes could be like Inara on "Firefly" (she was a high-ranking member of society and she chose her clients carefully and was in complete control of her life and her job), that would be wonderful. If all porn actors could make films they enjoy making on their own terms without merely being objects for the men to fuck on film, then maybe more women would enjoy pornography. Maybe sex could be celebrated in a culture where women were free to feel ok about their sexuality. Perhaps we'd all get more tail if we respected one another and all that.

At this point, I'm all over the place. Starting my period in the next few days, finally. There's another subject: I use it as an initiation for men I know. If a man balks at talk of periods, he's gettin' an earful from me and no man I have EVER dated seriously has had any flinching reaction to my talk of periods. If he did, I wouldn't have dated him. 50% of the human population will have periods at some point in their lives. At any given time, several females you encounter are on their periods. Why can't we talk about it? Well, we can. Our brains are dosed in hormonal fluctuations to an extent that men don't have to endure. We go to work with cramps that would keep an unsuspecting man (you know, the ones who've never had a period, were they suddenly to get one, not that I think they couldn't handle cramps were they used to them as we are) on the couch wailing all day. My last period I endured cramps so bad that I couldn't walk for an hour. That's a pretty big deal, but I'm supposed to be quiet about it. Next time, I'm posting a status update about it. There's a shit-ton of mean-culture surrounding our periods....something we endure 30+ years of our lives 1/4 of that time. 25% of my child-possible (though not child-probable) time on this earth will be spent BLEEDING. From the crotch. This is something to talk about.

I'm sick of being quiet.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Gift.

episode 100.
airdate: 22 May 2001.

And now the dramatic conclusion of season 5 of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"...

In interviews, commentaries, etc, Joss has said that they didn't yet know if there would be seasons after 5. They usually didn't know if the end of any season would be the end of the series, in fact, so they tried to treat the end of any season as if it were the bookend for the end of the entire show. I think that's smart. This is their 100th episode and it truly does feel like the end of the series.

It begins with a typical vampire slaying. A boy is being chased by a vampire and Buffy saves him after some righteous Buffy-bantering. The boy asks, "How'd you do that? You're just a girl." Buffy answers, "That's what I keep saying." Buffy makes Giles explain the situation again. "The Key is energy and needs to flow into a specific place at a specific time." Tara says she has "places to be!" They still have a couple of hours. Buffy says "we are NOT talking about this" (talking about having to kill Dawn if the thing starts). Giles yells, "Yes, we BLOODY well are!" Buffy is not willing to sacrifice Dawn. Giles says we'll all die, including Dawn, if the ritual starts, so why save her if she's about to die anyway? I agree. Buffy is being pretty close-minded on this point. Xander suggests killing Ben...then takes it back. Giles doesn't think Ben will surface this close to the ritual. They really only need to distract her until the time has passed. Anya suggests using the troll hammer ("want to fight a god? use the weapon of a god!") and the Dagon Sphere she found when they first encountered Glory. Perhaps it distracts her? They still don't know how to find Glory. At this point Tara continues rambling about how she has somewhere important to be, as she has been for awhile now and everyone's ignored her. Duh. Let her lead them to Dawn/Glory. Ok, they have a plan. Distract Glory with Dagon Sphere and troll hammer.

Ben presents Dawn with a ritual dress to wear. She yells at him to change to Glory. She would rather deal with her because she's upfront about being a monster. Buffy is training, though wouldn't you want to reserve your energy? Giles asks her that. She's got righteous rage on her side. Giles reassures Buffy that he loves Dawn, but sometimes he has to say and do what other people can't. Buffy tells him she'll stop him if he tries to hurt Dawn.

Buffy: How many Apocalypses is this now?
Giles: Six...at least.

I count seven, and I do have a list if you don't believe me. ;)

Buffy says when she sacrificed Angel she knew it was right, but she doesn't know how to live in a world if THESE are the choices...anymore. She tells Giles she's quitting being a Slayer if Dawn dies.

Anya and Xander are looking for the Dagon Sphere in the basement of the magic shop after having sex. Anya is terrified. This is the first time she's not run away during an Apocalypse. They find the Buffybot. Xander proposes and Anya slaps him. She thinks he's doing it because the world is about to end and he won't have to follow through. He says he's doing it because the world is not going to end, but she tells him to repropose when the world doesn't end.

They're all still trying to come up with ideas to distract Glory. Willow has an idea to possibly restore Tara's mind and perhaps it will slow down Glory for a sec. Buffy brings Spike to her place, barking orders at him, but he stops in the doorway, 'cause you know, he's been uninvited. She reinvites him...it's a moment. Buffy tells Spike "we're not all gonna make it." That she's counting on him to protect Dawn.  "I know you'll never love me. I know that I'm a monster, but you treat me like a man." That's sweet, but usually she doesn't treat him "like a man."

Dawn is already tied up at the top of a makeshift tower. It's time to go. Buffy tells everyone she'll kill anyone who lays a hand on Dawn. Not the best Buffy speech ever...

As they arrive, Glory asks Tara what she's doing there and Willow does the spell to restore Tara's mind.  It does distract her, because she needs a brain to eat now. Buffy is there with the Dagon Sphere, throws it to her. Glory crushes it, but she's disoriented. Anya is beating minions with a bat. The minions are guarding the bottom of the stairs leading to Dawn. Everyone is fighting them. Willow goes to check on Tara. She's back. Willow tells her she'll always find her.

Glory regains her composure and says she's bored and lops off Buffy's head. It's the bot. The real B is behind her and hits her with the troll hammer. She starts running up to the top of the tower as Glory is regrouping. There's lots of fighting on the way up the rickety tower. They fall back to the bottom. Xander hits Glory with a wrecking ball. The creepy-magic guy shows up at the top of the tower. Why did no one go to guard Dawn? Giles thinks no one has gotten up there. Willow speaks to Spike in his mind, tells him to get up there NOW. She creates a path in the crazies and minions magically, with Tara.

The guy stabs Spike and throws him off the tower. Buffy is beating the HOLY CRAP out of Glory, then she turns to Ben. Buffy can't kill Ben, but Giles can. He suffocates Ben. Creepy magic demon guy cuts Dawn as Buffy gets to her and pushes him off the tower. They're walking away as Dawn notices the portal has opened. Crazy shit is already happening just from a few drops of Dawn's blood. Dawn tries to jump into the portal, but Buffy won't let her. Buffy suddenly realizes that their blood is the same, so she could jump instead of Dawn. "Death is your gift". Dawn realizes what she's going to do and protests. B talks to Dawn for a sec, kisses her, looks at her with peace and love, then jumps.

As Buffy is writhing in the portal, a voiceover of what she said to Dawn plays: "Dawn, listen to me...listen. I love you. I will always love you. This is the work that I have to do. Tell Giles I figured it out, and I'm ok. Give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now. You have to take care of each other. You have to be strong. Dawn, the hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live." Everyone is crying and staring at B dead in the rubble. Her face is that of peace, though. Her gravestone says "Beloved sister. Devoted friend. She saved the world...a lot."

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: No Place Like Home.

episode 83,
airdate: 24 Oct 2000.

Opening: shuffling monks. They're moving fast..."Two Months Ago". Doing a spell. Chanting. Something is after them.

"Now": Buffy is fighting a butch vampire. She finds a glowy ball at the scene of the slaying, which is some sort of industrial area.

It's the grand re-opening of the Magic Box and Giles is wearing a wizard outfit. The shot is held for 8 whole seconds going between Giles in his silly outfit (complete with hat) and Buffy judging him. He takes off the cape and hat. Joyce is still getting headaches and they're worse.

Giles: It (the glowy orb thing) appears to be paranormal in origin.
Willow: How can you tell?
Giles: Well, it's so shiny.

Buffy goes to the hospital to fill a prescription for her mom when she sees the security guard that she met at the industrial area where she killed the vamp. He's uncontrollably crazy now. She also formerly meets Ben. And then we see Glory for the first time. Anya comes into the magic shop complaining about money. Buffy comes in shortly after claiming her mom's sickness is supernatural. Glory is already rambling about "The Key" in only her second scene. She's torturing a monk. He refuses to tell her anything. She goes a little nutty (ok, a lot nutty) and then sucks the brain out of a security guard she also has captive.

Meanwhile, Giles is overwhelmed by all the customers in the magic shop. Everyone is helping and Anya is really enjoying it. Anya suggests a trance to see all spells in the area to see if something is affecting her mother. Buffy does the trance thing all by herself. Insert calming "restless"esque music here. She achieves the trance and walks around her house to check the magic/spell status. Her mom is totally normal...no spells anywhere, but the picture behind her head with her, her mother and Dawn keeps changing with Dawn fading in and out. So she goes to Dawn's room and sees it changing from her room to what it was before (some kind of storage area). When she sees Dawn she tells her "You're not my sister." She thinks she is messing with her mom and confronts her. Dawn is scared. Giles calls as Buffy and Dawn are staring at each other, tells her the glowy orb is called the Dagon Sphere.

Spike is lurking outside Buffy's house. She punches him.

Buffy: What are you doing here? Five words or less.
Spike: (counting on his fingers with each word) Out. For. A. Walk....Bitch.

He's being all stuttery and cute. Obvs he was NOT there on a stroll because there are like 15 cigarette butts by the tree he was standing behind. *claps and squeals* I love Spike being into Buffy. Buffy encounters Glory who is FREAKishly strong. Giles, Willow, and Xander are exhausted after the long day at the magic shop, but Anya is all energized. Giles offers her a job. Xander calls Giles "Big G". I never noticed that before. Glory is really beating up Buffy. She rescues the monk and jumps out the window with him, escaping. The monk is dying. He tells Buffy she has to protect "The Key". That it's a portal. That it used to have no form at all. That they (he and some other monks) made the Key human and sent it to her to protect it. He tells her everything, that the monks built the memories of Dawn, but Dawn herself is now human and doesn't know she's not.

Wow, I didn't remember they reveal all this already. The day Glory is introduced we find out who Dawn is. So soon!

Buffy goes home. She goes to talk to Dawn, apologizes for the confrontation from before and treats her like a sister she loves.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Out of My Mind.

episode 82.
airdate: 17 Oct 2000.

Buffy is hunting in the cemetery. Riley is too, trying to help, horning in on her fun. Spike is there too, also fighting. She's annoyed by both of them.

Willow and Buffy are having an academic debate at school the next morning and Willow is all excited about it. Buffy is working hard at slaying and school. Getting her shit together. Giles has made a really great training area behind the magic shop for Buffy. I'm kind of jealous of where she is at just this exact moment in time, though I know it won't last. She's young, studious, fit, has the greatest friends ever...an annoying bf and sis, but you know...not everything can be perfect. It's just this moment in time that everything is right for Buffy. I've paused the episode just to soak it in for a sec. Trying not to focus on what's to come.

.........

Ok, I can't put it off anymore. Let's go. Harmony finds Spike. She thinks Buffy is after her because she tried to kill her. They decide to kill Buffy if Spike does the thinking. Joyce collapses. And it starts...*deep breath, Stephanie*. Dawn listens to everyone's heart and Riley's is super-fast. They're already in the hospital so they get him checked out. The doctors think he should stay, but he refuses. He's been all cracked-out lately. Buffy takes advantage of the fact that the Initiative is probably spying on Riley all the time by picking up his phone and saying that he needs their help into the receiver. It works.

"All it means is that he's way stronger than he ought to be and feelin' no pain...his heart can't take it." says an Initiative dude to Buffy. She needs to get him there to them, but he's hiding. Buffy bribes Spike to go find Riley and she's super mean to him, slapping him and stuff. Uncalled for, really. I mean, I guess we're still not supposed to trust or like him. As she told him where to take Riley once he finds him (the doctor to fix him) he takes Harmony to hold him at crossbow-point to get the doctor to take the chip out of Spike's head.

Buffy finds Riley and he explains that he doesn't want to lose his super-strength. He's worried about what they'll do to him. "Best-case scenario: they turn me into Joe Normal." He knows that being normal isn't enough for Buffy. He's right, but Buffy doesn't know it yet. Sarah Michelle Gellar is so good at the wide-eyed-tears-that-don't-surpass-the-waterline thing. Buffy Speech. She convinces him to go. The doctor announces the chip is "out", then Buffy arrives with Riley. Spike decides this is the time to kill Buffy. Riley fights Harmony and Spike still can't hurt anyone because the doctor didn't really take the chip out. Spike and Harmony run away. Spike is going on and on about Buffy. They're going to reveal his crush on her soon. Maybe this episode? There's still 5 minutes left.

Yep. The dream. Lovesick Spike is the best!!

Du NU...du nu du NUUUUUU.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Replacement.

episode 81.
airdate: 10 Oct 2000.

This is an episode I dread because I don't like suave Xander. He creeps me out, plus I think a lot of the time suave Xander was played by Nicholas Brendan's real twin brother and something is just so creepy about twins, man.

Xander is looking for an apartment because of his drunk yell-y parents. A blacklight-crackle-faced demon is after Buffy and hits Xander with his sceptor-thing, thus splitting Xander into two parts, one suave and one goofy. The idea was to hit the Slayer and split her into a weak and a strong Buffy, so the weak one could be more easily defeated, thus killing them both. Goofy Xander is all suspicious of Suave Xander, following him around and stuff. Suave Xander gets a promotion, gets the apartment, and makes up with Anya (she was mad at him before for not getting the apartment--before the split). Willow's hair is so cute all short and flippy. Goofy Xander catches up with Willow while Suave Xander gets to Giles, Riley, and Buffy. They each think they have the right one, and they do, of course, but they don't know that yet.

Michael is saying he wishes he could be split into his good and bad parts so he could get rid of all the self-doubt, etc. He's saying this as Goofy Xander is lamenting that the other Xander is living his life better than he is and maybe he should just let him have it. Willow is comforting him. I told Michael I would want to be married to the goofy version of him. The point of all of this is that you can't get rid of all the "bad" parts of yourself. The best version of you is the WHOLE version of you.

The confrontation occurs in the apartment with Anya, each trying to convince her that they're the real Xander. Giles figures out that they're both Xander. Buffy catches up to the Xanders and explains the thing to them. Then the demon comes in to finish his goal of splitting Buffy. She beats him up real quick.

They start acting more like regular Xander the longer they're together. Giles: Clearly, he's a bad influence on himself. Willow ends the spell. The last scene is everyone helping Xander pack up the basement and Riley tells Xander how much he's in love with Buffy. Then says, "But she doesn't love me." Poor Riley. He just doesn't fit with this show. It makes total sense that Buffy would attempt to date a normal guy after Angel, but she's just not supposed to be with a normal guy. Riley is a good guy and I'm totally over hating him, but he's not interesting enough for Buffy. Not quirky or broody enough. She doesn't need normal. She needs intense. This is why Xander is perfect. He's got the sweetness, the take charge save-the-worldness (the intention is there, even if he doesn't have the brute force), and the goofy nerdiness.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Buffy vs. Dracula.

Episode 1 of season 5; 79 overall.
airdate: 26 Sept 2000.

If I remember this episode right, it's pretty cheesy...fluffy.

Buffy already has to get up in the middle of the night to kill things in order to sleep through the night next to boring Riley...oops.

There's a beach scene...possibly the only one ever. I guess I get why they had to address the Dracula issue, but it seems a little like Joss might have been humoring one of the writers...it doesn't really fit into the narrative. Giles is doing a lot of archiving and labeling things. He tells Willow, in secret, that he's planning to leave Sunnydale. Going back to England. He's trying to make sure they have everything they need (his books archived into the computer, etc) for when he leaves. It kinda hurts in the chest area thinking about Giles leaving.

Buffy is sort of obsessed with slaying right now. Dracula shows himself. He's very Anne Rice: pale, pretty, long hair, alluring. I love that Buffy always uses their summers off as real time. It's always actually been as long in their world as it was in ours. So, they've had a summer off school, etc. Buffy tries to slay Dracula but he disappears in vapor, to reappear and then disappear again as a bat. When they're telling Giles, Anya, and Tara back at Giles' they're all starstruck and the girls all think he's sexy.

Ok, maybe the reason for the weird Dracula episode is to show that the world is slightly off as a precursor to Dawn who'll show at the end of the episode. Dracula can also, apparently, turn into a wolf. He shows himself alone to Xander in order to bewitch him into servitude, his "eyes and ears in daylight", with the promise of becoming immortal. Odd. Poor Xand-y.

Riley ends up in Spike's crypt for some reason...oh, he wants info on Dracula. Apparently, they're old foes and Spike laments that Dracula's fame outed the vampirekind secrets. Riley is being all threatening to Spike. He's obviously very insecure after no longer being Initiative dude whilst Buffy is still his "super honey".

Dracula enters Buffy's bedroom and bewitches her. He calls her "kindred", a "creature whose darkness rivals" his own. He actually is really pretty. He bites Buffy and it's all sexy and she has to wear a scarf the next day. It's nice seeing her in her old room. Xander is all twitchy and hilarious: "like any of that is enough to fight the Dark Master...bater." Xander eats a spider. Riley pulls off the scarf, outing her to everyone. She's "under the thrall of the Dark Prince". They decide Buffy can't be alone with him so she's going to stay with Xander-the-bug-eater while Willow and Tara do a protection spell at Joyce's house (it turns out she was the one that invited him in for coffee in the first place). Xander takes her to Dracula of course, then Giles and Riley break in. Buffy is having trouble fighting Dracula. She's fighting the "thrall". Dracula is talking a lot of sexy at Buffy about what her "body is capable of" etc. Dracula offers her his blood...

Riley finds out about Xander and knocks him out. Giles falls into the "chick pit" aka Dracula's three sisters. They seduce him. Dracula convinces Buffy to drink. She really does want to. He says the thing Tara said to her in the dream: "You think you know what's to come...what you are. You haven't even begun." She has a vision while she's drinking of the First Slayer and other stuff. She finds her strength after the blood drinking and fights him. Riley rescues Giles. He tries to go back and he says, "No sir. No more chick pit for you." Cute.

They catch up to Buffy after she's staked him. Xander makes a cute speech about how he's sick of being everybody's "buttmonkey". Dracula re-solidifies, Buffy stakes him again, he tries to reassemble again...she says, "I'm standing right here!" and he stops. So she hasn't bested him. He's still in the world, but this makes him decide to leave her alone.

Giles tries to tell Buffy he's going to leave but she tells him she wants to train with him. She wants him to be her Watcher again, because she's questioning her identity. She tells him she's been patrolling ("hunting") a lot lately. She wants to know more about her power, her darkness, the origins of her Slayerness, etc. She tells him she needs him, to be her Watcher again. It's so sweet. He's so touched.

Then, Dawn.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Restless.

episode 78.
airdate: 23 May 2000.

In the month of April I will be FINISHING this Buffy project. I'm doing April's Camp NaNoWriMo and that's my goal. So there's my public announcement so that I will stick to it, damnit! Ok, here we go with the last episode of season 4 so that I can watch/blog seasons 5, 6, AND 7 in the next 30 days. Woo!

Riley is going away for the episode and they're all at Joyce's house. They're all cuddling in to watch videos and they fall asleep before the FBI warning is over.

We enter Willow's dreams. Tara is there and Willow is painting a spell on her back. Tara is telling her she doesn't know everything about her and that "they'll find out" about Willow. Willow looks out the window at a desert, then suddenly she's in school and Oz and Xander are there. They might be in the high school. Harmony is suddenly there and Willow is about to star in a play. Joss really makes it feel like a dream. Nothing makes sense and the transition between settings is exactly how it is in dreams (like walking into a completely different world like walking into another room or just appearing elsewhere with no transition whatsoever). The threads that hold everyone's dreams together are an elusive yet pursuing tribal chick and a weird dude that's obsessed with cheese. Suddenly Willow is in the outfit she was wearing in episode one after Buffy rips off her "costume" (the way she dresses now). The pursuing tribal chick catches up to her and suffocates her.

Now Xander's dream shows him watching "Apocalypse Now" with everyone. Joyce attempts to seduce him. Xander's dream reminds me the most of my dreams because when he opens the door of Joyce's bathroom he ends up in his basement and then he's in a playground with Giles and Spike swinging on a set. Anya finds she can steer by "gesturing emphatically" in the ice cream truck. I think about that all the time. Xander keeps ending up back in the basement. Then he ends up in the school and Giles tries to tell him how to solve the situation, but everyone starts talking in French...bad dubbed French. Then he's in "Apocalypse Now". Principal Snyder is there. Even in their dreams though, they're all connected and they're figuring out how to fight it as the "creature" pursues them in each of their dreams. Perhaps this is because they're still connected via the conjoining spell they used to defeat Adam. In the end of Xander's dream his dad is yelling at him from upstairs. "That's not the way out." The tribal chick rips out his heart.

Now we're in Giles' dream. Olivia is with he and Buffy in a carnival and Buffy is acting like a 5-yr old. Spike is posing for a photo shoot in his crypt. Olivia is pregnant and crying. Everyone is doing research in the Bronze. The dreams are sequential, so Willow and Xander are still dying: "sucking chest wound here". Everyone is looking to Giles for help, so he sings about it. So cute. He does figure it out, too, mostly. "I know who you are and I can defeat you..." She still scalps him as he says, "you never had a Watcher." So we know she was a Slayer.

And she's killing them in the ways they were contributing to the conjoining spell. Willow was Spirit, so that's why she's being suffocated. Xander is Heart, and now he doesn't have one. And Giles is brain, but she cut it out. She's taking away the things they brought to the union.

Now for Buffy's dream. She's in her childhood bedroom with Tara staring at her unmade bed. "Didn't Faith and I just make this bed?" Tara says, "You think you know what's to come. What you are. You haven't even begun." after showing her the "Manus" tarot card. She is Hands and Feet in the spell. Suddenly the bed is made. Buffy knows she needs to find them. As she leaves the room Tara says, "Be back before Dawn." Joyce is living in the walls of the school. This reminds me of a dream I have had too. She sees Riley and he's talking about world domination ("filing things, giving things names") with Adam as a human. Buffy washes her face with clay. She also had clay on her face in Giles' dream. Riley keeps calling her a "killer". Buffy is in the desert and the Israeli music is really peaceful and pretty. Tara speaks for the primal Slayer. The First Slayer. She tells her she's supposed to be alone. I'm not sure if the First Slayer is trying to kill Buffy necessarily, or just her friends...oh, wait, now she's stabbing her. Buffy tells her she's ignoring her until she goes away, then they all wake up. How cool is that?

They all talk about what happened: "the spirit of the first Slayer tried to kill us all in our dreams". Joyce says, "Oh, you guys want hot chocolate?"

COMMENTARY: I'm going to watch the commentary now because that is a DAMN good episode.

Willow's dream: Turns out what Willow was writing on Tara's back was a love poem by Sappho. When Willow finds Tara in between the red curtains that's a vaginal reference. Totally should have gotten that!

Xander's dream: All roads lead to his basement because of the sense of failure/something dangerous there. Joss is talking about the images having resonance by themselves. That is the coolest part of this episode. There's so much space with the music and the long shots/images. Xander talking about being a conquistador/comfortador...Joss talks about this being because Xander needs comfort/love in a way that he never got growing up. He also talks about when everyone is speaking French this is because he feels stuck while everyone else is moving on with their lives. Whoa. That's cool. Didn't get that either. I'm so slow.

Giles' dream: Giles can't decide if he wants to have his own life or be a mentor. Does he want to be a rock star or a Watcher?

Buffy's dream: Tara is her spirit guide. Riley can't handle when Buffy becomes primal (when she puts the mud on her face). Buffy defies the notion of climax and defies the notion of the tragic tale of the Slayer. When you stop taking a dream seriously, you wake up.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: New Moon Rising.

Episode 75.
airdate: 2 May 2000.

Tara and Willow holding hands. Oz shows up out of the blue. He's only really been gone six months. Riley is close-minded about Willow dating a werewolf. "I never knew you were such a bigot!" Oz can now control when he's a wolf through meditation or something, 'cause it's a full moon and he's still Oz. He wants Willow back. It would be really hard to choose between Oz and Tara. I heart Oz so much, but Tara is such a sweety-pie. I like Willow and Tara together better. I'd like to keep Oz for myself and while we're living in an alternate universe I'd like Tara to not get shot in season six by Warren and her and Willow to be together forever.

Willow tells Buffy about Tara and Buffy reacts well. Willow doesn't know what she wants to do. She goes to see Tara after talking with Oz all night and tells her she doesn't know what to do and then Oz runs into Tara later and "smells" Willow on her. He turns into the wolf when he realizes Tara is a "threat" to him. The Initiative dudes tranquilize him and take him away to a cage in the Initiative. Riley almost kills wolf-Oz when he turns back into Oz. Adam's been talking to Spike. Promises him he'll get his chip out if he helps him with something or other. Help him kill Buffy probably...I wasn't paying attention to the specifics.

Poor Oz is naked and alone. Riley tries to get him out, but they stop him and lock him up too. Why the hell is he still hanging out with those dingbats? Some high-ranking officer says mean stuff about Buffy and basically gives him the choice to help them take her down and then his "good name" will be restored. He calls them "the Slayer and her band of freaks" and "anarchists". The freaks go to infiltrate the Initiative while Giles and Anya do some computer hacking from Giles' house. They realize when they get there they have to save Riley AND Oz. Riley says "If I leave now I can't ever come back." Buffy stares at him. "I just wanted to hear it out loud." So, finally, he's done with the dingbats! Woo hoo! This somehow means Riley and Buffy have to stay in the burned out high school. Buffy finally tells Riley about her past with Angel.

Willow and Oz need to talk now. He missed his chance. She tells him some part of her will always be waiting for him. Closure. She goes to Tara and there's suggested makeout, but you don't get to see it because it's the year 2000 and girls can't kiss onscreen yet. They won't get to until Joyce dies in season 5.