What's This Bitch Talking About? podcast episode 3

Sister playlist:

I've been thinking about women in horror...

How we rule as villains. How women are more often protagonists in horror than we are in any other genre of film (besides maybe romantic comedy?)...

Suddenly, I get it. It's right there in front of me, actually. The reason I love horror is because of the presence of women. I like them. I like them a lot. I like looking at them. I like being one. I like the delicious evil they can deliver while wearing the shit out of a vinyl jumpsuit. I used to think it was mostly attraction, but it's power. We have it in horror.

But, we are ONLY allowed to have power within very specific contexts. We are allowed to take this power in horror because this is a space in which we scream and run for our lives. If we succeed in NOT getting raped by overwhelming monsters and fear, we get to live and maybe look like a hero.

Conversely, the villainous women haven't escaped this violence. They've turned it upon their aggressors. Y'all want the dominatrix, but only when she comes with a menu of torture methods YOU can choose from. Y'all want the chick in the leather jacket, but only when she's got the tortured past that makes her receptive to a man that's the minimum amount of nice to her, like maybe he pays for a dinner and doesn't hit her the first time she "talks back". What a MAN.

When I talk about how much I love Drusilla or Akasha or Julie or Carrie, I don't know that in a world of equality I would enjoy the havoc they wreak quite as much. The blood and the telekinetic fire is a catharsis for the injustices suffered daily by the everyday woman. The onscreen vengeance of a man-hating villainous woman is catnip to me in a way that would make a person think I hate men (I don't.), or that I've been wronged by men (I have. I really really have.).

Bad girls aren't, as is commonly thought, who the good girls wish they could be. They are who we wish we didn't have to create in order to cope. The real woman is not the perfect girl-next-door or the bad-whore-down-the-street. She's a flawed and complex person somewhere else on that continuum. We're all open books, but YOU don't know which page to turn to, do you, do you?

We can take up space if we're exceptional, like Sigourney Weaver or Meryl Streep. We can take up space if we're attractive, but this is a transient space that is constantly threatening to close in upon us. Meanwhile, men are allowed to be complex and awful or complex and good, granted big spaces either way, just for the existence of the protuberances between their legs.

Can you imagine a life in which every movement you make is scrutinized? A world wherein a simple act like pulling hair up off your face in public invites comments from strangers? A society in which walking down a street is an invitation of harassment? Can you imagine there NEVER being a time in your life when some man doesn't expect something from you, whether that be kindness, sex, or time? This is the path women tread every goddamned minute we share space with men.

So maybe we want to set you on fire with our minds...just a little. Would you blame us?

We are not virgins and we are not whores because we are not defined by whether or not men have invaded our spaces. We will be taking our spaces back and that's going to look ugly at first. We're going to have to use elbows and knees. Men are going to react with cruelty to take us back down, but I think we're collectively too fed up to go back now.

This is why girl-villains are important, because women have a right to be angry and we have a right to take up space. Men should consider themselves lucky we're getting our aggressions out through fiction. It won't always be this easy for men. For now, we're letting you live.

Princess Bride.

You know what sucks? Princess Bride doesn't pass the Bechdel Test and it's really not girl-friendly movie at all. I've always genuinely enjoyed it but there's NO ONE of color in that movie and TWO chicks in the entire thing. Three if you count the dream sequence hag, and I don't.

I watched it tonight with the teens for a Quote-Along program and it just disappointed me to watch a movie I've seen a dozen times in my life (if not more) not uphold any of my values at all as an adult. Buttercup wasn't even a "helpful damsel" really. She was completely helpless. She did nothing forcefully or assertively but profess her love.

And there was the dream sequence with the hag and then Carol Kane as "wife of Billy Crystal"-whatever. I keep thinking about that award speech Julianne Moore gave recently wherein she talked about how amazing each of her fellow nominees were and that as a woman she doesn't get to act with other women often and how sad that is.

I'm so over this nonsense. A demographic that is 50% of the human population shouldn't be 5% of an ensemble movie cast.

OVER. IT.

I hate that I can't enjoy Princess !fucking! Bride anymore because of my pervasive feminism. But it is as it should be. I'm done falling into lightning sand and standing still screaming while the fire pits consume me.

I Never Had to Take the Red Pill.

Or, When I Stop Babbling, Maybe I'll Have a Point.

Today I've been struggling with NOT making a purchase. I told myself I wouldn't buy any new electronics in the year 2014 and today I almost bought a Gameboy Advance SP. I was in full on internet-purchase-porn mode. I was following several auctions on ebay, I had gone to Vintage Stock to see if they had the color I wanted (pink...why it gotta be pink?). I did a cost analysis in my journal. I was about to pull the trigger. Fortunately, my phone needed to be charged and was all the way across the room. A break from the purchase-porn lead to the analog journal-writing. Writing was the breath I had to take away from an obsession that is, quite frankly, ridiculous. The device I want (below) fulfills my completest need to have ALL the Mario Kart gameplay capability. I was essentially almost willing to buy an entire device for the capacity to play ONE game (Mario Kart on the Gameboy Advance--a game I recently lost the ability to play when Michael gave me his 3DS and I put my regular DS on ebay). ONE game I only play every few months. Because I have this NEED to be able to play all Mario Kart games.

Even now, I look at the picture of this device and I'm swooning. I want to hold it and push the buttons. 

I made it through the day...the kind of day I normally don't survive without that oh-so-(briefly)satisfying purchase click. My resistance of temptation is deeper than denying myself something I want. Grocery money is more important than electronic devices, and that is a factor, but it's deeper than that too. 

Some years ago I alighted on a theory of placing my time in one of two categories: consumption versus creation. For a time I was vigilant about pushing myself to more moments of creation (writing, art, moving, etc) in my life. I've become quite lax this year. I've spent time away from my blog. I've not been reading. I've not been listening to new music. I've not been writing for "The Current, Etc". I've skipped two weeks of YouTube-posting. 

I've reveled, even luxuriated, in much of the laying about listlessly, but as Tank Girl says, "It's been swell, but the swelling's gone down." 

At the beginning of May, I had some mouth surgery (mucosele removal--look it up, if you've interest). At the time I assumed it would take a couple of days to heal and then that'd be it, but I spent nearly a month in pain, my mouth restricted. I couldn't smile. I couldn't laugh. Eating was difficult. Talking was difficult. A section of my bottom lip is STILL numb, over a month later! The circumstance of not being able to laugh and smile affected my mood significantly. I smile and laugh almost constantly in my life. It's a coping mechanism, but it's also a result of my awe at life.

Today I took a long walk at sunset and listened to a podcast interview with RuPaul. As obsessed as I am with Ru's show, I've never been a huge fan of RuPaul the entity. Glamour queens aren't really my bag. That said, this interview was very thought-provoking (WTF podcast with Marc Maron). Listening to Ru's life experiences and thought processes throughout, I realized that "glamazon" is simply Ru's most recent visual persona...it's the one that made her famous, but she's done New Wave, she's done Genderfuck, she's been punk rock...

At some point during her narrative, she spoke about wanting to "find her tribe". She remembers always seeing "the Matrix", society, as the construct that it is. It confused her that the majority of people were seemingly so into the "normal" thing. 

This is something I have always struggled with. I have always questioned everything. I haven't been able to accept at face value what others seem to so naturally fall into. I've not often done what is expected of me, and in some ways this is attributed to simply being wired differently, but most of the time what others see as rebellion is simply me trying to pick apart why a thing is so often done in one carved-out way by so many people. I've mostly embraced my otherness, but a time in my '20s I really caved and tried to conform. Hearing Ru explain this concept as just not buying into "the Matrix" is so what I've been wanting to express for my entire life. 

I don't have time to placate those that never bucked the system. I've been searching for my "tribe" throughout my life as well. Even in "alternative" cultures (goth, punk, piercers, etc) there is a way that you're expected to act. When I was training to be a piercer, I got a lecture from one of my superiors for self-mutilation, a phase that for me was never about self hatred, but testing limits and learning about myself. I was also told that I would have to get tattoos and a certain number of piercings to do the job. At the time I wasn't ready to commit to tattoos and I CERTAINLY wasn't going to get any piercings I didn't want. I was also told that choosing not to pierce someone's genitals wasn't an option. Going in, I expected the body modification culture to accept free-thinking. To be a piercer, I thought that meant I was going to learn to safely pierce people's bodies in exchange for money...but to the community at large, to be a piercer meant that I had to conform to a certain way of life. I found a lot of negativity and got out after performing one piercing (my mom's nose, still pierced today).

As an adult, I experience the audacity of people trying to tell me how to behave just as often as I did as a child. Just last night my aunt started a familiar diatribe with me about walking alone at night. It is presented as if I am taking my fucking life into my hands every time I'm alone in the world without a MAN to protect me! It infuriates me. The only way we subvert rape culture is by not tolerating it. I'm not going to sacrifice my freedom in exchange for "safety". I drive a car, though I know I could be fatally wounded at any moment. 

I refuse to live my life in fear of men. 

It's not my fault if someone rapes me, but it is my fault if I continually deny myself one of life's pleasures (walking/dancing at night outside) out of fear. 

Another example of "the Matrix"/other people trying to control my body. I asked a local tattooist to put ink on my body a couple of years ago and he refused to do the tattoo because he felt it would look "like fucking shit". That part didn't bother me. What bothered me was his other assertion, that I could not get the tattoo in the orientation (words facing me on my forearm) I wanted, because that isn't how "it's done". You simply MUST get the words facing your hand, not your elbow. The next time he saw me, he grabbed my arm to "make sure" I hadn't gotten the tattoo from someone else; at the time I hadn't, as it was later that night. The fact that he was unwilling to perform the tattoo was his right as an artist and I am grateful that he didn't perform a tattoo he didn't feel comfortable with, but that he thought his opinions on MY choice of art warranted a demand to see that I hadn't "gotten the tattoo anyway" was what pissed me off. I eventually got the tattoo the way I wanted it and I'm very happy with it. It's my body, I'll do what I want with it. Fuck you if you're trying to control how someone else conducts themselves, if they're not hurting anyone.

"The Matrix" is all about control. Control, as long as someone isn't taking away the personal choices of others, should only be self-imposed. 

All this blather is to say that I'm currently in this evolution of becoming the cunt I want to be, nay the cunt I always have been. I was born questioning and I will never stop picking apart the perceptions of myself and those around me. I'm interested in how you (yes, YOU) see the world, as long as you're not regurgitating the way someone else wants you to see it. I'm confrontational about my weirdness. I want to get in your face and make you question why you think the things that everyone has told you to think. I don't have an eloquent way of getting my point across. Sometimes I try to convince a random dude at a bar that I'm a drag queen in order to get him to question gender. I suppose in the end, he did. He questioned MY gender by grabbing my crotch and breasts while demanding to "see your junk". Why is a response to women so often taking ownership of their bodies and choices? I'm fucking done being NICE for a sake of keeping waters still. I've never fit in the box and while it may not seem that I've ever tried, I have. All these years you've seen me attempting to be "normal". Get ready for a new Mixtress. I'm embracing anger for the sake of living. Oh, and I'm still getting that "cunt" tattoo.

But I'm not buying any devices....not on tonaiiiiight.

The F Word.

Memorize that definition, children. You don't have to be a girl to be a feminist. You don't have to hate men to be a feminist. You don't have to be a lesbian to be a feminist. You don't have to be angry to be a feminist...

But I am. I am angry and I'm not going to hold your hand and speak in dulcet tones explaining sweetly why you should consider me an equal.

Last night Jill and I were attempting to speak about feminism to a few different men, all of whom would say they believed in equality, but maintained they weren't feminists -- "humanist"s maybe, NOT feminists. No, never. The evil letters F, E, and M put them off. Guess what, boys? If you're really a humanist, you're a feminist too.

This is a common issue. I'm probably the millionth blogger to begin an entry with the above definition of feminism followed by a similar rant.

In my frustration during last night's drunken conversation, I pushed a man. A man I didn't even know. He kept talking over Jill and me and then he said that feminists were "all butt-hurt" and I didn't even hear what he said after that because I pushed him. I didn't think first. I was so furious that a man that has no idea how much suffering is felt by women simply for being women would have the audacity to call me "butt-hurt" that I just HAD to push him. Apparently I'm angry AND violent. I'm not sorry, because he wasn't letting me talk, so I took other action.

Dear Dude I Pushed Last Night and Many Other Dudes Like Him,

I can't comprehend what it must feel like to be generally allowed to talk over women about issues involving them. You're not a woman. You're very adamant that everyone around you knows this. You can't even associate yourself with a word that includes the prefix "fem" 'cause gee, that sounds girly. And then YOU act all "butt-hurt" when I defend myself.

Fuck you.

Sincerely,
Stephanie

I don't hate men, but I will admit that I am strongly suspicious of them. It seems so many people in our society lack basic empathy. If you are a white man that lacks basic empathy, you have only the feelings and thoughts of a (relative to women, gay people, transgendered humans, disabled individuals, or any other marginalized group of people) privileged individual immersed in a sexist society with a heaping spoonful of rape culture mixed in. That scares me. I don't trust you if you can't put yourself in my flowery Doc Martens.

I'm done associating with people who aren't feminists. If you truly think women should have all the rights of men, call yourself a feminist with pride. If you don't, I might just beat you up. ;)

I was so pissed off last night. I was like Courtney Love! Later, when I was walking by 502 (scary, rape-y dance club) a guy standing outside asked me about the burlesque show that was supposed to be at Blackthorn last night. I informed him that the leader of the troop hurt her back and the show was cancelled. He said, "Man, how big do your boobs have to be to hurt your back?" I replied, "Really? Really?! Fuck off!" and walked away. He didn't stop talking. I told him to fuck off a couple more times and kept walking. I'm becoming more audacious, and I like it!

Disappointment in Analysis, volume 2.

I'm not entirely certain, but I think my favorite episode ("Fancyman, Part 1") of New Girl doesn't pass the Bechdel Test. I'm distraught, dismayed, disappointed. The Mighty Boosh and The IT Crowd rarely pass. So many of my favorite things are becoming tainted by an underrepresentation of women...and that tainted tint is evident simply because I've opened my eyes to that harshly glinting light, the source of which is a crippling patriarchy piercing every aspect of my life.

Before the event was cancelled, I was due to attend a burlesque show this evening. I was all atwitter worrying about whether or not I would get outraged at the objectification of women, even if they're objectifying themselves. I've been to a burlesque show before, several years ago. I really enjoyed it the first time, finding it empowering and exhilarating, but now...now I'd be bitching about the lack of men taking off their clothes. Now I'd be noticing the comments of men in the audience. Now I'd probably be storming out of the bar, blood boiling. I'm angry all the time these days, simply because I am paying attention.

Examples of television with very small casts, such as The Mighty Boosh and The IT Crowd, would be acceptable forms of entertainment not passing IF it wasn't such a problem everywhere else. If only every media representation of people in the human race (casts) included non-sexist humor, equal numbers of women to men, well-rounded character representations of women, trans-people, racial diversity, sexual orientation, size-variance, and people enduring disabilities of various kinds. I could enjoy so many more things! I would spend all my money buying entertainment! Is this too much to ask? How are we still a humanity that barely includes HALF (women) our human race on television and in movies?! How have we maintained this white dude dictatorship for so long? How have intelligent people such as myself been brainwashed to not see it for so FUCKING LONG?! I'm so outraged to have to live in a culture of obscured truths and obfuscated perceptions. I will always stand up for those being slighted/de-humanized, but it is exhausting to realize how often this needs to be done.

In the last couple of days I've watched five more episodes in my search for my top ten TV shows of all time. Three episodes passed the Bechdel Test, and that's counting Rupaul's Drag Race, a show that includes a cast that is about 98% men.

I just went back to the New Girl episode and rewatched the two scenes including women talking to each other. There was a very BRIEF paragraph wherein Jess is telling her boss something about assembling a group of kids together for a fundraiser, but really, everything in both conversations is about a man...I'm stretching it to let it pass.

Most of the time, New Girl is very great about representing race, size, gender, and feminism. Of the five main characters (Jess, Nick, Cece, Winston, and Schmidt) two are women and two are of a race other than white. Often, side characters represent many different aspects of humanity as well. The jokes are usually not sexist and the "minority" characters are represented as well-rounded people with nuance. They're not there to be the butt of jokes, at least not any more so than Nick and Schmidt, the two white dudes on the show.

In an episode called "Jess and Julia", Julia is a lawyer dating Nick who is intimidated and hateful towards Jess because she makes cupcakes and brakes for birds. Julia is a woman that has made her brand of feminism about distancing herself from everything "girly". This is exactly the type of dismissive attitude women like Zooey Deschanel have to endure daily. I am this type of girl. I like unicorns and glitter and Hello Kitty, but I'm also a fierce feminist who will rip you a new asshole if you say something sexist to me. I am not less of a badass bitch because I like hearts and have a baby deer tattooed on my forearm. Don't call us "manic pixie dream girls"! Jess notices this attitude and attempts to be nice and make friends with Julia, being met only with disdain and passive-aggressive insults. Finally, Jess makes this speech:

"Ok, HEY. I've got something to say to you, man! I brake for birds. I rock a lot of polka dots. I have touched glitter in the last 24 hours. I spend my entire day talking to children....and that doesn't mean I'm not smart and tough and strong...I'm about to go and pay this $800 fine and my checks have baby farm animals on them, bitch!"

This was a moment for me. Perhaps this is really my favorite episode of New Girl. Later in the ep, Julia goes over to the apartment to hang out with Jess and they become friends. It's ok to be a Julia in pantsuits but it's also ok to bake cupcakes and wear Rainbow Bright t-shirts. Never forget that.

It sucks to want to put a shit-ton of glitter on your face but feel hindered knowing the comments you'll have to endure by doing so. Because Jess represents the exact type of girl I feel I am in my glittery pink heart, I will always love this show. Also, it's really hilarious most of the time. Lately, they've been stumbling, but I still watch the show every week.

Whatever slight feminist failings New Girl possesses, Parks and Recreation has none that I can see. Passes Bechdel Test? Check. Half the cast is women? Check. Racial diversity? Check. Size diversity? Check. Well-rounded, flawed, nuanced characters of all kinds represented? Check. Non-sexist humor? Check. Feminist agenda? Check. Feminist icon? Check!

This show is just, perfect. It is lacking in vampires and ass-kicking, but not every feminist show can be Buffy. I'm learning to accept that. This show is like if The Office were more feminist. This show, sorry Tina Fey, is what 30 Rock wishes it could have been. Oh, God, I just pitted two wonderful, iconic, fierce women against each other! I take it back!

{Lately I've been asking myself if my life passes the Bechdel Test. I have spent the entirety of my adult life in relationships with white men. I've internalized a good chunk of my personality based upon the reflections I make in the men that I have loved. I have to genuinely ask myself how I feel, when it is easy to think about how someone else feels. Nauseating, isn't it? I'm at least 75% the doormat society wants me to be, but I'm LEARNING.}

The episode of Parks and Rec I rated is called "Pawnee Rangers" and it involves a men-only camping trip headed by Ron versus Leslie's all-girl camping trip. Leslie's is much more fun and eventually all the boys from Ron's group want to join, so they are then initiated as "Pawnee Goddesses". There wasn't a single second of this episode that wasn't enjoyable to me. It's also the one with

No spoilers, but this show will be on my top five, which is a feat, because the show isn't over yet, so it loses points for not having a complete arc to judge and it STILL made the top five.

"Just a little prick in the mouth." 

Judging the feminism of Rupaul's Drag Race proved a more interesting and difficult task than I originally anticipated. Fortunately, most episodes include at least two women judges, though they're mostly critiquing/talking about men, men dressed as women. The men refer to each other by their female drag names and female pronouns most of the time. One could argue that drag queens are men making fun of women, but I think they're really making fun of the over-the-top expectations of women. Much of the time they're honoring female icons that they identified with as young gay boys growing up in our sexist culture. I would argue that many gay men that often dress as women would consider themselves feminists. So, do I judge Rupaul's Drag Race as a show about men, a show about men so in love with women that they want to become them, or perhaps the more important question, is a show whose premise is about gender really the LEAST about gender of any of the shows I love? Each episode you get to see these men as men, these men as women, and these men in every stage on their way in and out of Dressing As Girls (drag).

At the very least, this show is eye-opening, gorgeous, and fascinating. At its very best, it's a pun-filled punch of eye candy that humanizes gay men (more than Will and Grace EVER did) and is schooling a nation in acceptance of gay men both as themselves AND as women. If you've never seen this show, it truly is extremely entertaining. These girls are gorgeous and witty and campy and talented and they cry backstage when their parents Skype them telling them they accept them for the first time since they came out two decades ago. It is heartwarming, breathtaking, and hysterical.

You will be amazed at how fishy (feminine, mistaken for women) these queens can be.

I've learned more about charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent from these lady boys than I have from most female icons in the media. I think the way men imitate women can teach us a lot about how very NOT seriously we can take ourselves. Sure, for them it's a costume they can take off, many of them reverting to masculine white men that can "pass" if they wanted to. The "otherness" of gay men, all other things being white, can be hidden. However, there is something refreshing about men doing women better than I can. Being beautiful is baldly an act for these men, but it's an act for women too, only we're supposed to be "authentic". You're not supposed to see beyond our mask, but this show exhibits that mask for what it truly is. It is ARTIFICE, children. Employ it whenever you wish, do as you please, but boys and girls, don't ever forget:

Ultimately, I came on the side of Rupaul definitely being a feminist show. The episode I watched is called "Snatch Game", an episode played each season wherein the queens impersonate a famous female celebrity. I used season 4's version of this episode. It was delightful. I can't believe I almost didn't consider Rupaul's Drag Race in my quest for best TV shows ever.

Next, I watched Firefly's episode entitled "Our Mrs. Reynolds". This episode's premise involves an accidental marriage (custom confusion on a planet the crew visited) between captain Mal and a woman who, by all appearances, seems to want nothing more out of life than to be a very good and submissive wife. Throughout the episode, almost everyone on the ship's crew attempts to teach her a bit of autonomy, tries to lift her up, and treats her like a human being. It turns out that she was playing them to steal their ship, but she was gooooood.

Firefly is a Joss Whedon enterprise. It's basically space cowboys, if you're into that, and who ISN'T, amiright? Don't judge it by the ATROCIOUS theme song. Being a Whedon show, it passes the Bechdel Test with its hands tied behind its back. Nearly every shot involves men and women on equal footing. Women on this show are to be respected, even if they're prostitutes. This show has the most interesting portrayal of a prostitute I've ever seen in television, actually. In this universe, courtesans are trained in a very high class and sophisticated way. In fact, they are considered among the highest class in the caste system. Inara is constantly getting the crew (who are mostly thieves and law-breakers) out of deep shit with her aristocratic influence. She chooses her clients (men and women) very carefully and takes pride in her job. There's this whole involved ritual process in her seduction techniques that sometimes don't even involve sex. Inara has complete control and can back out at any time she feels her work is not progressing to her liking. She's one of the most beautiful (pictured above) women I've ever seen in my life, and she's a PROSTITUTE, but she's not treated with less respect or objectified by the fellow members of her crew. When someone does treat her derisively, she shuts them down. She is principled, funny, and is seen cultivating genuine relationships with other members of the crew.

The show itself is like any other Whedon show. The characters are funny and well-developed. The show is thought-provoking, feminist, and entertaining (did I mention space cowboys?!?). I am among the legion of fans outraged by she show's cancellation after only one short season. We could have had so much more time with this wonderful troop of outlaw space explorers!

"The One With the Football"

Then there's FRIENDS. Despite the obvious criticisms of the show (no racial diversity, some sexist humor, some backhanded gay jokes, etc), I really enjoy FRIENDS. It employs pure physical comedy that lasts 10 seasons without getting stale, in my opinion. I'll rewatch this show forever. Almost every episode is quotable and accomplishes the biggest goal of entertainment in my book: total immersive distraction. There are definitely things to not like about FRIENDS, but I forgive them a lot of these things having grown up with Rachel, Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, Joey and Monica. The show is also wayyyyyy less sexist than the most popular sitcom on television now (Big Bang Theory).

In conclusion, I like TV a lot, though I'm learning to see the terrible injustices within the things that I love, a fact which is both disappointing and sadly, not surprising. I'll take painful truth over blissful ignorance any day if it makes me appreciate fabulous feminists such as Amy Poehler, Joss Whedon, and Zooey Deschanel even more than I already do.

Quantifications.

The hardest part of "scientifically" picking apart the art that you love, besides the obvious ramifications of infusing intellect upon something that maybe shouldn't be thought about quite so much, is that you have to decide how to define your parameters at every turn, a task that's sure to give you pain in the membrane. Yeah, I said it.

The first question I had to ask myself was how a show even gets to be on my top shows list. At first, I decided not to include reality competition shows such as Project Runway and RuPaul's Drag Race, using the lack of a plot-driven storyline as my reasoning. Earlier today, with my composition book, a pink pen, and many scribblings I realized that RuPaul has to be on my list. It's no less plot-driven than Daria or The IT Crowd. I love it because it represents a chunk of culture that's entertaining, moving, and beautiful to look at. I've never missed an episode. I watch it every Tuesday night with my girls Kim and Lindsey in a Facebook chat box nearby. I've rewatched seasons. So

Ru, your show was added to my quest for the top ten TV shows!

As a newly-more-aware feminist, I couldn't include Big Bang Theory or That '70s Show in my list, though I have previously considered them favorites and are both shows I've spent many hours enjoying. On both shows the females are outnumbered and sexist jokes are sprinkled throughout the dialogue like glitter at a strip club. Donna and Penny are both fierce women with their own agencies for the most part (and two of my favorite female characters on a sitcom), but they both make and endure sexist jokes with a smile most of the time. Their male counterparts (Eric Forman and Leonard Whatever-His-Last-Name-Is) are lauded as wonderful boyfriends and sweet men, though they are both contemptible, arrogant, sexist assholes, if you ask me. You didn't, so I'll move on.

Then I wondered if fluff shows like Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Beavis & Butthead, and Sifl 'n Olly could count amongst my favorites. These are shows I enjoy without higher levels of thinking...well sometimes my levels of thinking while watching these shows are, ahem, high, but not intellectually so. Under these considerations, even Daria skirts the line of "Is this GOOD enough to be a favorite?" I'd say Daria represents the type of outsider-feminism me and my friends exhibited in high school in the late '90s, so that means something, I suppose.

Sifl 'n Olly means a lot to me, but the lack of DVD releases of the seasons leaves me with the arduous task of tracking down as many episodes as I can find dubbed from old VHS tapes onto YouTube, so unfortunately, it's out of the running for a stupid reason. If anyone has all of these episodes on VHS, please mail them to me and I will upload them to YouTube and send you a package of amazing kitschy things and love you forever. I live for these hilarious sock puppets!

In the vein of television that simply makes me laugh uncontrollably, I have a soft spot in my giggle bones for Beavis & Butthead and Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Shake reminds me of my brother Sagan, the presence of which both comforts and fills me with overwhelming outbursts of love. Beavis and Butthead were two figures that were there as I grew up, reminding me of my male friends. They were the way I came to understand adolescent boys to be, and overall, I think that's still a pretty accurate portrayal. I always identified with Beavis more, myself, if you care to know such personal details.

Even after my top 13 and their rating parameters were finally decided upon, I had to figure out a way to apply my ratings of the parameters so that they could make the shows numerically comparable to one another. It got complicated, as I tend to make things. I decided upon a point system of 0-10. As described in an earlier blog entry, I knew I'd be averaging the scores.

FEMINISM: I decided that for an episode or show to be deemed (by me) as feminist it would be judged upon five parameters. It would get three points for passing the Bechdel Test, two points if the show as a whole represented well-rounded female characters (women with personalities, flaws, and agency), two points if the ratio of females to males was at LEAST 1:3 (being generous on that point), two points if the show overall had non-sexist humor, and one point if one of the characters was a feminist icon.

CHARACTERS: For a show to receive top marks in character development, I have many requirements. First, I will isolate the Core Four characters in each show. For The Office, that would be Jim, Pam, Michael, and Dwight. Then I give the show one point for each of the Core Four that I like. I then give the show two points if at least two of the Core Four are women. The show then gets one point each if it portrays/represents the following people in a positive light: trans-individuals, people of varying body types, people of varying sexual orientations, and a variety of race representation.

STICKINESS/INTEGRATION INTO MY DAILY LIFE: In order to receive many points in this category, a show must be quotable (three points), memorable (four points) and re-watchable (three points).

COPING: I watch television to either escape (comedy) or learn skills to cope (fantasy/drama) with my life. A show gets up to five points if it allows me to be sufficiently distracted from and/or better equipped to cope with life. The other five points are allotted when I feel that a show as a whole has achieved a specific goal. This "goal" is one I perceive as the viewer and may be a "goal" it achieves for me specifically, and not one any of the creators intended. For example, Buffy has a very clear goal of being a feminist show with a feminist icon. Buffy has achieved that goal, completely. A show like The Office on the other hand, doesn't have an obvious goal, though I do find it to be a good-natured show that's HILARIOUS and awkward and changed the way comedies were created from then on. Without it, we might not have Parks and Recreation or New Girl.

With all parameters set, I've settled in for some serious television watching/scrutinizing. Today I watched three episodes.

Let's begin with Daria's "Malled". It's the fifth episode of the series wherein everyone takes a school-enforced field trip to the Mall of America. Honestly, I still have no idea what my favorite episode of Daria would be. Unfortunately, plots in the show are not memorable enough to choose a favorite, for me anyway. What I like about Daria is what I like about my good friend Lindsey, dry sarcasm and a fierce wit. Daria is a feminist icon, to be sure, but her day-to-day activities don't make big statements or quotable impressions most of the time. I can watch Daria with the type of partial attention my teenage-self-on-the-phone probably paid it the first time around. Daria and Jane (and even several other secondary characters) are great characters and high schools and malls are two of my favorite settings in film, but there's not a lot else with which to assess here.

I was very disappointed to find that what I typically list as one of my favorite episodes of television ever, The Office's, "The Injury", does not pass the Bechdel Test. Pam talks only to Jim, Michael, Dwight, and Oscar in this episode. Angela talks only to Dwight. Phyllis only talks to Michael. Kelly doesn't even have a line in this episode. As a whole, the show represents females in an honest way, though they are often outnumbered and out-shined by their male counterparts.

With that said, I quote this episode almost every day. "I can feel the blood coursing through my foot veins!" I find several scenes to be laugh-out-loud funny. It is an excellent example of comedy in exactly the way I take my comedy: weird, awkward, and sweet-natured. It's the one where Michael clamps his foot on a George Forman grill and Dwight gets a concussion and is really nice to Pam all day.

The characters on this show are very endearing to me. They are all essentially good human beings and I prefer them to the assholes of It's Always Sunny... or Seinfeld. I have rewatched the entire series at least twice and will do so again and again throughout my life. Getting swept up in Jim and Pam's love-story is something I look forward to doing over and over. It is one of two popular heterosexual love-arcs I enjoy as much as the rest of the world. (The other is Pride and Prejudice, btw.) If I was the type to channel-surf, I'd watch The Office anytime I found it on. I suspect the show will make my top five.

The IT Crowd is a new favorite for me, having only just watched it twice through in the last few months, but I liked it immediately. What started as a huge crush on Moss (above, quite possibly the cutest boy on television EVER, in my opinion) blossomed into a genuine appreciation for both Jen and Roy, the other two main characters of the show. A British comedy about a nerdy tech-support trio working in the basement of a big corporation, all three of whom are pretty to look upon? Sign me up! I think I have a predilection towards workplace comedies because they tend to stay in the realm of not-too-emotional and not-too-serious. In fact, all three kinds of television I enjoy (workplace comedy, high school drama, and fantasy -- hey, Buffy is all three!) have barriers to bald emotions of an intense nature. I have no problem dealing with intense emotion if I am tricked into it by falling in love with a vampire, but don't show me real tragedy and sadness.

I don't seem to have much deep thought about The IT Crowd. I enjoy the eye candy (and humor, because Richard Ayoade's character is perfection) of Moss while laughing often at every other character/situation of the show. The episode I watched today was "Aunt Irma Visits". The boys get sympathetic-PMS alongside Jen and hijinks ensue, basically. This episode also includes the rare cameo from a sexy gothed-up Noel Fielding. I'll talk more about my crush on HIM in a different post.

Sadly, this episode also does not pass the Bechdel Test. However, as the show typically deals mostly with the three main characters, two of whom are men, this is not as big of a slight to me as it is when a show with a larger ensemble cast, such as The Office (a show that has NO excuse to ever have a non-passing episode) doesn't pass.

Once The IT Crowd has been seen by me four and five and six times and inevitably become part of my vocabulary, I will have more to say about it. For now, enjoy this, my current favorite quote from Moss:

Justin Timberlake // The 20/20 Experience

"If I had more time, I would have written a shorter letter." -a quote from maybe Mark Twain, maybe a French mathematician named Blaise Pascal, or perhaps it just appeared in consciousness.

In many ways Timberlake, like countless artists throughout time, suffers from a lack of brevity. "The 20/20 Experience" is 21 tracks long, both parts told, and the tracks average at 7 minutes long. Timbaland/Timberlake tend to crescendo into a groovy dance or R&B track and just when you've decided you like it, the mood shifts into a totally different animal that you might not like at all. Just because this approach worked with "Lovestoned/I Think She Knows" doesn't mean it works with everything, boys. At least with the aforementioned masterpiece, they had the courtesy to name the track with a slash. One knows a song is going to change with a slash in the title.

I have a repeating rant in my head about brevity. Editing is a religion to me. Artists NEED to have people around them telling them to cut songs. An album you can play in its entirety is going to be 8-10 tracks long. Edit, people! There's just never a good reason for 15 tracks and three bonus remixes, in my opinion.

Verbosity aside, I am very partial to JT, to his entire person. I like his attitude, his acting, his style, his dancing, and his lovable freaking face. I'm always going to give Justin's endeavors a fair shot, because I find him to be a spectacular human being. His lyrics are sexy in a way that at first seems a bit submissive towards his women protagonists, but on closer inspection the submissiveness is revealed as respect and consent. Consent is hardly ever implicit within pop songs about sex, but JT's overall song demeanor is body-positive, respectful, AND consensual. Timberlake's lyrics have just a touch of bravado, instead of the usual r&b man's downright assault of it. This makes the man actually sexy in all the ways that other male r&b artists THINK they are.

Justin seems to have a lot of respect for women in general. Even onstage, his women backup dancers aren't objectified. They're typically wearing suits as snazzy as their frontman's duds. In JT's world, women are appreciated and the implications that their pleasure "comes first" are obvious (in "Cabaret") and welcome. It's easy to feel like this man is a good man AND an excellent lover. I can't say that about any other male artist off the top of my head, except maybe Josh Homme.

Though I am obviously very enamored with JT's personae, I find his music aurally to be hit or miss, like a lot of pop/r&b artists. I skip the r&b tracks, gravitating toward the more pop/dance flavors of JT. I typically keep about half the tracks on each of his albums, but I usually fiercely love those tracks. "Cry Me a River" is still a masterpiece 11 years later.

With "The 20/20 Experience" it's a different animal entirely. I wasn't compelled to buy ANY of the tracks from part 1 and I'm just sorting through part 2. So far, I really dig the first two tracks of part 2, but overall, the "...Experience" is a disappointment. I read that he's fulfilling a (record) contractual obligation by putting out these two records this year, and it shows. His heart doesn't seem to be entirely in it, though part of that could be explained in that his vocals seem to be processed a little back in the mix. In listening to this album, I feel JT is distanced from me. For an r&b man, one is supposed to feel like it's just you and JT in a bedroom. This album gets there in lyrics about half the time ("True Blood" and "Gimme What I Don't Know [I Want]" are the songs I'd like to be alone with.). But again, that voice that's usually so invitingly confidential seems partially hidden on this album, or perhaps Justin is putting on that fake smile that doesn't quite reach the eyes.

This lack of warmth makes me afraid this is Justin Timberlake's last musical effort. Though this album falls flat, the man behind it has got a voice (both literally and P.O.V.-wise) and I don't want to stop hearing it.

MixtressRae's final RATING -- 1/5
Best Tracks -- "Gimme What I Don't Know (I Want)" and "True Blood"

Top Five JT songs ever:
"Cry Me a River"
"FutureSex/LoveSounds"
"What Goes Around..."
"Lovestoned"
"True Blood" (maybe...I've only known this song three days)

My "unreasonable" expectations.

I recently learned about this phenomenon called the Bechdel Test for movies. Essentially, it is thus: For a movie to pass the Bechdel Test, it has to a) have two or more NAMED female characters that b) talk to each OTHER c) about a topic other than MEN.

Sounds simple, yeah? NO. It is unfortunately not FUCKING SIMPLE at all. I am angry.

So, after finding out about this thing I decided that I would check on the status of my favorite movies and every potential movie in the theatre I wanted to see. I have, for now, refused to see any movie that doesn't pass. Guess what doesn't pass? "Star Trek" barely has two female characters and they sure as shit don't talk to each other. A movie about the future doesn't include women, apparently. Gene Roddenberry would NOT approve. "World's End" (wtf, Simon Pegg? What the ACTUAL fuck?) has two or more named female characters but all they do is talk about the men. This movie is ostensibly (and I don't know, because I prevented myself from seeing a film that I SHOULD really enjoy) about a bunch of friends drinking and hanging out waiting for the end of the world. God, that sounds like a riot. I want to watch this movie, but it's on the surface a film that doesn't care enough about half the population to have them talking about something other than their male counterparts.

This thing has RUINED TV and movies for me, but it needed to be done, so I hope it ruins it for you too.

After the "World's End" debacle I asked myself if I was being too strict. I decided I was not. In the year 2013 women (again, 50% of the population of Earth? You know, HALF?!?!?) should be respected enough to appear in movies for reasons other than support of men in the form of sexuality and pep talks. I happen to know a lot of women (being that we're HALF the population of Earth) and you know what? We barely ever talk about men, especially for the purposes of trying to figure them out and never, I repeat NEVER, to worship them. There's the occasional, "He's so dreamy" but then we shake the stars out of our eyes and talk about our creative projects and music and pop culture and politics and literature and....

*deep cleansing breath*

When you think about it, this Bechdel Test is a really low expectation. All a movie has to do is have named females talking to each other about something, ANYTHING, but boys. How hard is that? A lot of terrible movies can pass the test. The test was created in the '80s and we still need it. This pisses me off to such a ginormous degree that I can actually feel my heart slamming against my rib cage right now. We deserve better, Simon Pegg. How hard would it have been to include three or four females in your pack of boy BFFs in your damn blockbuster movie?

One ray of hope is Paul Feig, the creator of "Bridesmaids" and "The Heat". "The Heat" is the only movie I've been able (As in wanted to watch and then succeeded in going to watch, time and funds allowing. There are others I have yet to see that pass.) to watch this summer. It is hilarious. See it. Paul has stated he strives to make everything he creates pass the Bechdel Test. Thanks for being on our side, Feig. Thank you so much.

Another pet peeve that's so far in our hypothetical future that it's like four post-Bechdel Tests from now: men in graphic sex scenes are never shown with a hand to the vagina during coitus. Most women need clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm during sex. As in the majority. But the women in movies and TV are shown losing their fucking minds during sex while the dudes are just jackhammering away (I'm talking to you, Bill Compton) without any regard to the nerve-centric pleasure center on the female body. Cliteracy, people!

My favorite movie of all time (as stated in this blog after extensive hours of analysis) is "High Fidelity" and it doesn't pass. There are many named female characters, but the only conversation between two of them occurs at a lunch between the characters of Laura and Liz and they're just talking about Rob the whole time. I had to reorganize my brain to explain away this betrayal by telling myself that they probably talked about several other topics too but because this movie is told from the point of view of Rob, this conversation could have been entirely in his head anyway and he's a selfish character so why would he think they talked about anything BUT him? Check out bechdeltest.com to see if your favorite movies pass.

The Bechdel test can be modified for minorities as well. Are there two or more named (insert minority here) characters? Do they speak to each other? about something other than the main white male characters?

Why the fuck is our society so backwards? We're just now letting same sex people get married but we still act as if women and people of color are second class citizens decades/centuries after legally giving them "equal rights" so how long will gay people still have stigma-status after their rights have been equalized? We're backsliding. I hate us so much right now.

*drops mic*

Walking with Headphones: a Guide.

The short version involves donning headphones, then putting one foot in front of the other. Happy July everyone! Ok, I’ll be serious...

As summer starts to scorch, wandering Joplin’s avenues in a sundress with some hazy drawling tunes in your ears is becoming a more and more appealing and worthwhile activity. There are many benefits to walking while wearing headphones. Slowing to a walking human’s pace (as opposed to viewing the world through 45mph-speeds in your car) concurrently slows your brainwaves to a similar pace. Suddenly you begin to know the cracks in the sidewalk, which houses have the best wildflowers, and which empty lots have the biggest variety of weeds you need to ask Jill later if you can eat. And the graffiti! In a car, you’re likely to miss all the cool “You Are Beautiful”-type graffiti on dumpsters and the spray-painted stencils behind stop signs. In my experiences, headphones make you more likely to zen-walk, taking the element of startling sounds out of your outdoor stroll. With only the sound of Goldfrapp to guide you on a midsummer night’s walk, you may find yourself prancing with your hands raking through vines and tree branches, leaping over concrete parking thingies and twirling around street poles. What if you tuck a single lavender flower behind your ear and grin like you haven’t grinned since you were 8? It can happen and I can show you how.

MixtressRae’s guide to walking with headphones with wild abandon and child-like joy:

*First rule of walking with headphones is a reminder that needs to be shouted from the rooftops. You don’t owe your attention to anyone. Let me type that again: you don’t owe anyone your attention. You don’t have to talk to the skeezy dudes on the street that drunkenly offer you a ride, and with headphones, you can more convincingly pretend you don’t hear them. For that matter, with your tunes at proper volumes and/or sufficient noise cancellation, you don’t have to hear others at all. I have a couple of decades of experience wandering these streets at all times of day and in all kinds of weather. I’ve been victim to catcalls (by catcalls, I mean anyone yelling anything lewd, insulting, or generally abusive at you as you try to just take a freaking walk!), porch hollers, and the creepy slow-down (when a car stuffed with guys slows to your pace beside you while spewing lewdness in your general direction). It’s yucky, but if you stomp your confidence into the asphalt while fervently ignoring the offending individuals, you’ll intimidate the little weasels. They’ll slink away with their tails between their legs. As with most vermin (and if you catcall people on the street, you ARE vermin), they’re more scared of you than you are of them. Don’t let anyone stop you from walking with headphones. It is your AMERICAN right!

*Second rule of walking with headphones is a continuation of rule one; pretend no one is watching you (and honestly, they aren’t). Stop and smell a flower. Stop (not in the street!) and change your Pandora station. Dance-walk. Dancing while walking is one of the most glorious joys in our world and it’s free and available no matter where you are. You must dance in this life. If your first reaction to this rule includes protestations of “looking silly” or some other such nonsense, just imagine how you would feel if you saw someone dancing on the street or in their cars. You’d think, “Man, I wish I had the guts to enjoy myself that much.” Well, I’m here to remind you that you, yes YOU, have the capacity for great freedom and glee. This glee only needs to be unleashed...with DANCE! In this life, we’re all too wrapped up in our own brains to notice others, so why worry what you look like?

*Last rule of walking with headphones may at first seem like a contradiction to the first two; hyper-visual-vigilance. Not having your ears to alert you to possible danger means needing to be aware of your surroundings with your eyeballs. This is not contrary to dancing and ignoring vermin, as it is actually a big part of the zen experience. These rules are meant to make anxiety melt away and turn the focus inward. Looking at the world around you at 3mph with the soundtrack of your choice is a gigantic part of the fun of walking with headphones. I don’t really need to tell you to look both ways at intersections, right?

Now that you have the attitude and the attention (and a pair of headphones, I trust), go out and walk before it gets August-hot and all you want to do is hide underground until October.

Music to listen to on a summer walk with headphones:

She & Him // (any of their albums, except the Christmas one)

Goldfrapp // Seventh Tree

Queens of the Stone Age // (any of their albums)

Lana Del Rey // Born to Die

Aesop Rock // Fast Cars, Danger, Fire, and Knives

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Helpless.

I'm actually writing during the commentary of this episode, but I'm needing to create a whole new entry because I was immediately post-tornado when I watched this episode and didn't technically write an entire entry about it.

The commentary is by David Fury, writer of the episode. 

Buffy and Angel are dealing with the fact that they really can't ever consummate their relationship, and then he disappears for the rest of the episode inexplicably. 

This episode deals a lot with father figures betraying you. The patriarchy oppressing you, and in this case Buffy's father really never talks to her again and Giles ends up betraying "The Man" instead and choosing Buffy. He subverts the system, derails a tradition that's really just cruel and shitty (rendering the Slayer helpless with drugs in order to "test" her mental abilities? The premise doesn't even make sense. The fact that they're doing this to all Slayers on their 18th birthday is just a reassertion of their power over the Slayer. It's sick and gross and not cool at all. It's intensely dangerous to make a Slayer, someone who is used to having superpowers, suddenly helpless. But again, patriarchy of the Council...bullshit bullshit. They probably genuinely don't care if Buffy dies on her 18th birthday because if she does, a new Slayer will be called and everything will remain the same for them...wilted little boys not in danger ever. They're evil. 

Urgh. There's a severe thunderstorm happening right now and a tornado watch and Michael just packed an Apocalypse bag and the puppies are a little worried and there are the words "storm cell" and "squall line" in my vocabulary and I hate it. It's also kind of the tornado anniversary in that it's a Sunday, like 5.22.11 and today was the high school graduation like 5.22.11 and I'm on my period like 5.22.11. It's all very scary and I'm trying to watch Buffy instead of think about it but when I saw Michael packing the Apocalypse bag I started to freak out. *deep breath* Buffy is strong, even in her helplessness. She can save me. Only an hour until the watch has passed and then I'll really relax. 

I don't like that Buffy acts as helpless as she is. I realize she's really freaked out, but I think she would have acted a bit more fearless because even though the Slayer-strength is no longer there, she still has learned fighting techniques and has the memories of kicking ass for the last 3+ years. I just think the total helplessness is a bit exaggerated here. 

Apparently, the fact that the vampire took Buffy's red-hooded jacket is a Red Riding Hood thing. Not sure if I'd noticed that before or not. Maybe the image, but not necessarily thinking so far as to call the vampire the wolf in the scenario. 

I wonder if the reason B is more empowered at the end when she defeats the vamp is because she knows what's going on now or because she has just gotten used to the feeling of helplessness...or is she beginning to regain her prowess since she hasn't been dosed in awhile. This episode would have been way better if Joss had written it. The fact that Buffy is in overalls is pretty degrading too. It really denotes MORE of her lack of power. 

Validation.

I seek it at a perverse level of intensity. I seek acknowledgement to the point of need.

If I suggest a plan for the day to my husband, I expect thoughts and a clear-cut, verbalized "Yes" or "No" as to preference of action.

If I, PURELY hypothetically of course, seek an Aspergers diagnosis with my therapist, I expect him to respect automatically that I am answering the questions provided to the best of my ability and not tell me he thinks I was answering them to get diagnosis. That offends me! I've been his client/patient/whatever-you-call-it for many years now, and he immediately invalidates this thing that I am. This thing he very reluctantly agreed I am, after much prodding. Then he didn't want to talk about it anymore. When I took the autism indicator I spent much time and effort making sure I was answering the questions truthfully, but still he doesn't believe me when I say I controlled for my biases. Normally, this assessment would make me question myself, but this time, no.

I'm tired of being the one that's expected to tell others how to treat me. I've spent my whole life knowing and advocating for people telling others how to treat them, and I do think this is incredibly valuable. You have to be assertive to get what you want, or even to know what you want, in this life. However, it is also very important to treat others with respect. Every single action I make that concerns other human being is weighed in my mind before taken. If I were this other person right now, how would this make me feel? Yes, I understand that I think too much...but I have an innate respect for other humans and I expect the same in return. I also understand that a lot of my assumptions on how others will feel in response to my actions is based upon how I would feel, and I'm a weirdo, so...

but again, I'm invalidating myself based upon the response I expect others will give me from these words. I'm just so sick of all the thought and all the screaming into the void I feel I am always engaging in...

I just want someone to get me. Really get me, without all these words in the way. Without me trying to explain. I want it so badly. To be understood. I feel it in small doses on rare occasions. And other occasions I defiantly DON'T CARE. But it's difficult to feel like you're the only one in a room reacting to a thing (a thing everyone in the room is also experiencing) the way you're reacting to it. Singular, alone, other.

The frustration doesn't come from feeling different so much as not being able to use words to tell others my point of view, and even when those words come, people in general do not want to discuss the fact that one weirdo has a reaction and wants to philosophize about a thing.

Again, the metaphor of screaming into the void comes. I'm screaming by blogging, by zine-ing, by art, by self-expression, by conversation, and I feel like I'm looking into a sea of zombie faces. Why doesn't anyone want to talk about feminism, religious dogma oppression, drag queens, Buffy, etc etc? My passions are isolated. I want to THINK and society wants to tamp me down into a tasteless powder.

I'm reading this book by Caitlin Moran called "How to Be a Woman" and one of the things I read yesterday was that she used to talk about the nuance of boys and her relationships constantly, every tiny detail analyzed, until a relationship is working...when something works, you shut up about it. I don't want to talk about boys, 'cause I got a good man...but the reason it's good is because we work at it and we demand respect from one another and give respect TO one another.

I've had cognitive dissonance with regard to the topic of prostitution and stripping for a long time. On the one hand, I've always thought it would take incredible courage to do either of those things and fuck, if dumbasses want to give you money for showing some skin and/or having some sex, take advantage of their stupidity....but, the truth is that these professions exist in their current form of disrespect and degradation BECAUSE of these idiots. I realized yesterday that it's not the professions of stripper and prostitute that bother me at all. I do still have admiration for sex-based professions (porn actors, strippers, prostitutes, etc), but they need to be in COMPLETE control of what they do. If all strippers were like burlesque performers (in their approach, not their look), in control of what they're doing and enjoying their sexuality WITH others who are respectfully (for the most part in burlesque, it's like a drag show. Everything's light-hearted, sexy AND fun...not dark and scary like regular strip clubs.) enjoying the show, then that would be wonderful. If all prostitutes could be like Inara on "Firefly" (she was a high-ranking member of society and she chose her clients carefully and was in complete control of her life and her job), that would be wonderful. If all porn actors could make films they enjoy making on their own terms without merely being objects for the men to fuck on film, then maybe more women would enjoy pornography. Maybe sex could be celebrated in a culture where women were free to feel ok about their sexuality. Perhaps we'd all get more tail if we respected one another and all that.

At this point, I'm all over the place. Starting my period in the next few days, finally. There's another subject: I use it as an initiation for men I know. If a man balks at talk of periods, he's gettin' an earful from me and no man I have EVER dated seriously has had any flinching reaction to my talk of periods. If he did, I wouldn't have dated him. 50% of the human population will have periods at some point in their lives. At any given time, several females you encounter are on their periods. Why can't we talk about it? Well, we can. Our brains are dosed in hormonal fluctuations to an extent that men don't have to endure. We go to work with cramps that would keep an unsuspecting man (you know, the ones who've never had a period, were they suddenly to get one, not that I think they couldn't handle cramps were they used to them as we are) on the couch wailing all day. My last period I endured cramps so bad that I couldn't walk for an hour. That's a pretty big deal, but I'm supposed to be quiet about it. Next time, I'm posting a status update about it. There's a shit-ton of mean-culture surrounding our periods....something we endure 30+ years of our lives 1/4 of that time. 25% of my child-possible (though not child-probable) time on this earth will be spent BLEEDING. From the crotch. This is something to talk about.

I'm sick of being quiet.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Chosen.

episode 144.
airdate: 20 May 2003.

Caleb isn't actually dead, turns out. Knocks Angel out. They fight. B slices Caleb in half. Angel has an amulet for someone ensouled, stronger than human, a champion. Angel thinks it should be him. B tells him he can't help because she can't risk him. She tells him to be the second front if Sunnydale "goes". Angel asks her about Spike, if he's her bf, etc. Buffy tells him Spike is in her heart. They have a little conversation about B's lovelife. B says with regard to relationships maybe it doesn't matter if she can't make it work because she's not done becoming who she's going to be. She's living in the moment. Angel wants to know when she DOES think that far ahead, who she might consider...Angel surrenders the amulet and starts to leave to work on the "second front". She gives him a little nugget of hope for their future and Angel says, "I'm not getting any older..."

When B gets back home Dawn kicks her in the shin and calls her a "dumbass". B tells the good news about killing Caleb. B goes down to the basement to talk to Spike and he confronts her about the kiss. Spike holds out his hand to take the amulet. She tells him "it's meant for a champion", then she gives it to him. Buffy stays with Spike in the basement. They cuddle again, night #2.

The First as Caleb taunts B in the middle of the night, then turns into her talking about the legacy of the Chosen One, alone. It gives her an epiphany. "We're gonna win."

We see she's shared her plan with the core group (Faith, Willow, Xander, Giles, Dawn, and Anya), but we don't know it. Willow is worried about losing control...big magic. B does a speech to everyone. Says it's about choices. B's planning to lead them into the Hellmouth the next morning.

Giles, Andrew, Xander, and Amanda are playing Dungeons & Dragons. Hot. Night # 3 and Buffy and Spike probably do it. They're at the school. Everyone goes to their jobs and it's just the core four: Buffy, Xander, Giles, and Willow joking about what they're going to do in the morning. Great moment.  Giles even says, "The Earth is definitely doomed."

The Potentials, Slayers and Spike open the seal and go in. Spike is wearing the amulet. They're looking at all the Ubervamps. Willow is using the scythe to do a spell. "I say we change the rule. I say my power will become OUR power." Essentially every Potential becomes a Slayer with Willow's spell. Willow's hair is white during the spell. Kennedy takes the scythe to Buffy. Epic battle-time.

Buffy gets stabbed, goes down, gives the scythe to Faith. Anya dies. Wood is hurt. Amanda dies. The First taunts Buffy as her.  She stands back up and Faith throws the scythe back to her. She's got seniority, so she gets to keep the weapon. Spike's amulet is tingling. It's so great watching all these girls kick ass. Spike becomes a beacon of sunlight killing all the Ubervamps. It's his soul. Everyone is running away now. We realize Spike is a sacrifice. She tells him she loves him. "No you don't, but thanks for sayin' it." She goes. The school is blowing up. Everyone is on a school bus getting away and B is the last one out. She still has the scythe. Buffy is running after them and ends up on the roof of the bus as Sunnydale falls into the Hellmouth. They stop to get out and survey the damage. Sunnydale is gone.

"What are we gonna do now, Buffy?" She's not the one and only Chosen anymore. What a super cool feminist statement. The show started with B being the Chosen ONE. She had to bear the burden of Slayerdom by herself until Kendra, then Faith. Now every Potential is a Slayer and that is soooo cool. Slayers everywhere.

*I am now officially done with my project, but I'd like to watch the commentary now, but because it's fun. My plan of attack (next project, which is really just a continuation of THIS project) is to go back and watch all the commentaries and add notes while I watch the commentaries. After this month of writing about Buffy I've written over 50,000 words and I feel like it's been a good writing camp. I feel like I'm progressing in my craft. A lot of people don't understand what I'm doing when I say I'm writing about Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but to be fair, a lot of people don't understand what I'm doing EVER anyway. I think I'll go backwards with the commentaries. There are 36 of them, I think. I'll go back to the corresponding blog on the episode and add commentary comments at the end in a different color or something. Then I'm reading the comics up to date. Then maybe I'll write a book about Buffy, though I don't know what my thesis is yet...maybe I'll know when I get there. Whatever. All I know is that I'm doing two things I love simultaneously: writing and watching the best show ever made, Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

**My commentary on the commentary by Joss Whedon:
Making Nathan Fillion evil must have been really hard, but they did it. Joss is talking about how the graveyard is the "perfect iconic place for Buffy". I never thought about it like that, but I think that's one of the reasons I love Buffy so very very much. Because I love graveyards. A LOT. Graveyards are a wonderful setting. This show is so literally dark and I think that's brave and interesting. A metaphorically dark show that's also literally dark. It also makes everyone look hot. Pretty much everyone on this show constantly looks hot and interesting. Angel's exit from this episode was meant to mirror his exit from the first episode he was in. Cool. I forgot he backed away like that. Cool. I'm SUCH a fangirl. To be officially done with a project I've been doing for YEARS and want to just jump back in to do some more is a really awesome feeling. I feel so engaged and happy. Yeay.

Ok, just to hearken back to a theme within my own life (I think I'll allow myself to get a bit more autobiographical during my commentary-commentaries. Is it the commentary within the commentary within the commentary? yikes.), and that theme is isolation. Both Faith and Buffy were shown as being very isolated, and duh, 'cause they're the only two Slayers in the whole world. But don't we all have this thing? The thing about us that makes us feel unlike anyone else in the whole world? Maybe not usually superpower-strength, but maybe a thing that no one else gets about us. The thing we carry like a burden, even when it isn't. The thing that makes some of us famous, some of us geniuses, etc. A feeling of other. The thing most of us don't realize is what they said in the Matrix: belief is not a prerequisite of understanding...is that right? We, none of us, really speak the same language, but we try to communicate in whatever ways we personally know how. That's art, that's poetry, that's self-expression. We are constantly attempting to interpret our brains to other human beings for that one moment of recognition in the eyes of a like-minded being. That ONE tiny minute of understanding and validation. We seek it with fervor. And it's worth all the pain and suffering we endure to get there. These tiny handful of moments in our lives. It's totally worth it. We're never as isolated as we feel, and yet we are always alone. Life's great oxymoron.

The shot wherein Buffy and Spike are standing apart looking at one another before they spend their third night together, Joss explained that he wanted the viewers to fill in the blanks about what they wanted to have happened during this night. I'll tell you what I want. I want them to have had extremely intense "making luuuuuuuv"-type sex, then fallen into an extremely deep sleep wherein B actually gets 8 whole goddamn hours of restful sleep before an Apocalypse.

The moment when all the girls have to bleed onto the seal to open it was meant as an earthly menstrual cycle thing. Cool. Didn't recognize that either. Also, the thought of even though you've worshipped this character of Buffy the last seven years, find it in yourself now that she's gone from TV. Joss addresses the fact that the Ubervamps were too easy to kill in this episode. He just says, "Yeah, they were." I mean, even Anya is killing them when B couldn't do it mid-season. Whatevs.

I didn't realize that when Andrew tells Xander Anya "died saving my life" he was making it up. He was saying what Xander needed to hear, when really he didn't see what happened.

We're seeing a life that's just beginning, like B's smile at the end of the series. Joss, you devil. I love you. I know you said you'd never make TV again after Dollhouse but you didn't mean it, right? Come back!

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: All the Way.

episode 106.
airdate: 30 Oct 2001.

Halloween episode. Xander is a pirate, Anya is a Charlie's Angel, and Giles is a wizard.

Dawn is stealing things from the shop again. It's super busy.  Spike is lurking in the basement.

There's a humming old man walking into his house with scary music. He's making something for the kids for Halloween and he's all creepy. Everyone's exhausted after the Halloween rush at the store. As Xander and Buffy are watching Anya and Dawn doing the dance of "capitalist superiority" at the cash register, Xander says, "I'm gonna marry that girl" and Buffy says, "Ew, she's 15, and my sister!" Did Joss already know they'd be together later? This is the second time I've wondered that. And he'd only be 20 or 21 at this point, so it's really not that gross that he's only 5 years older than her. It makes more sense than I thought it would. And the eye patch? He definitely knew about Xander's eye, which WHYWHYWHY hasn't Willow fixed that yet? She can bring B back from the dead, but can't fix Xander's eye or turn Amy back into a human? WTF? Ok, foreshadowing/spoiler rant endeth.

So, this is the moment he finally announces their engagement...finally. They have a little engagement party. Willow does magic to decorate for the party. Giles and Tara both disapprove. Tara says, "Why use magic when you can do something naturally?" They fight. Dawn sees and Willow says, "We're done." Bitch! You don't get to declare a fight over. Tara SOO needs to leave her. Dawn is going out with friends. Yeay, Dawn has friends. She tells them she's doing something that she isn't, I can't remember what. She's supposed to be staying the night with a friend and that friend told her mom she's staying at Dawn's. They're meeting the friend's bf and his friend. They're doing typical mean teenager Halloween stuff. It's lame. They end up at that old man's house. He's creepy according to the neighborhood, so knocking on the door is apparently a dare-type activity. He invites them in. The boys insist. He used to be a toy designer. He has treats for them and keeps calling himself "Daddy". He's creepy and everything, but the real danger is that the two boys are vampires. One of them kills the old man in the kitchen. They run out and the girls don't yet know they're vamps.

Xander is looking really nervous talking with everyone about "life plans". Buffy comforts him on the porch. "I'm wallowing, not drowning" says Xander. Buffy goes to patrol with Spike. The vamp that ate the old guy is macking on Dawn and he seems super sweet. Gives her his coat when she's cold, etc. Buffy sees an ambulance taking away a woman with a vamp-bite as she's on her way to find Spike. Dawn's friend's mom calls and tells Giles they did the "round Robin" thing of staying the night, etc. Giles tells everyone, dispenses a plan. Dawn is super nervous, hanging out in the car (a car the other vamp-dude stole) with one of the vamps. They kiss. Her first kiss.

Tara and Willow go to the Bronze to look for Dawn. Willow wants to do a spell to shift everyone that isn't a 15-year old girl into another dimension, but Tara stops her and they start fighting again. Willow mutes the crowd so they can fight in a cone of silence. Tara says, "What do you want me to do? Just keep my mouth shut?" Willow says yes. Bitch!

It's out that they're vamps and Dawn and Jenna are officially in danger. When B gets to Spike's he tells her Dawn's missing, as Giles has already gotten to him. He's in the cemetery when he hears screaming. It's Janet (Dawn's friend), the vamp is chewing on her. He says "she was asking for it". Giles says "I feel certain she wasn't." Awesome. Janet has been portrayed (as far as how she's dressed and the fact that she's a "bad girl" type, though she never acted stupid or stereotypically slutty) as the type a guy would say "asked for it" so this is a good time for commentary on how a women is NEVER asking for it. Yeay for that little moment. Giles fights and kills the vamp. Dawn is being bewitched by her vamp when Giles shows up. A whole bunch of other vamps show up at that moment. Giles and Dawn are surrounded. That's when Spike and B show up. Buffy yells at Dawn. They all fight. Giles stakes two in a row, super hot. Buffy decapitates one with a car door. Dawn and her vamp are alone and you think Dawn is in peril, but she stakes him with a pencil. Giles suggests discipline for Dawn, for lying to them and B thanks him for taking care of it and goes up to bed. Giles does talk to her.

Willow and Tara fight some more. Tara wants to sleep, gets into bed mad and Willow does a spell to make her forget. Bitch! I'm so mad at Willow. So mad.