New Wave.

New Wave is a genre of music I am very familiar with, so it was the most joyful of challenges to accept when my coworker/friend Evan asked for a mix. This is what I LIVE for, children. My nickname isn't "mixtress" for nothin'. I truly thrive on making mixes. Thanks to Evan for the idea and ANYONE reading this, feel free to request a mix via comment or email (mixtressrae@yahoo.com).

I agonized for almost a week on the order of this mix. I knew from the beginning that it would have to be a two-discer, but I didn't know how to put it together or what to name it. Last night, it came to me via two amazing Tears for Fears songs on the mix:

"Mad World" and
"Everybody Wants to Rule the World"

They were sitting right next to each other on the mix and I knew that wasn't right at all, but it gave me the idea for the title of the mixes and how I would separate them from disc to disc. The first disc would represent the earlier part of the genre (1977-1983) when the Cold War was more of a theme and the music was darker overall. This portion of the mix overlaps with punk a bit and the songs within are sometimes referred to as post-punk. Disc one would be named "Mad World". Disc two would represent the later chunk of new wave (1983-1988) when it morphed into a lot more dancey beats. The songs you remember from the credits of '80s movies are on this disc and it's called "Everybody Wants to Rule the World". The YouTube playlist above is both discs in one and is missing one track that isn't on YouTube, one my dad and I made with his synthesizers before I was old enough to remember the experience. Below is a terrible quality version of that song which I am afraid is the only version in existence? Depends on if I find it in my dad's tapes later on and upload a better version.

tracklist

My top five songs on the mix (in order of appearance):

Only a Lad // Oingo Boingo

The Safety Dance // Men Without Hats

Shout // Tears for Fears

The Walk // The Cure

How Soon is Now // The Smiths

For further New Wave listening I suggest:

Songza's "Dark Side of the Synth"

SomaFM's "Underground '80s"

Digitally Imported's "Future Synthpop"

Obsessions: The Leather Jacket edition.

I've had "leather jacket" on my list of Big Things I Want next to "hipster glasses", a medical procedure I need to take care of, and bangs. Friday I saw this picture on tumblr:

It's from a website called killstar.com. A quick trip to their website led me down a rabbit hole I didn't crawl out of until last night. Within minutes, I became OBSESSED with this leather jacket:

I gazed upon it for hours. After my intense study of the above picture, I checked the sizing info. There weren't dimensions listed for the sizes of Extra Small, S, M, L, and Extra Large. I emailed the company asking about the measurements of the jacket. The description also stated that the type of leather was "Nappa" so I looked that up. It means lamb or calf skin, or just a word to describe a process that makes the leather really soft.

Here is the point where I have to tell you a bit about my history with leather. I have none. I've been not buying leather on purpose since I became a vegetarian at 17. I'm not sure when I decided I wanted a leather motorcycle jacket. Having fallen in love with the jacket above, I really had to decide, was I ok with buying new leather?

While I waited for the sizing info on the coveted jacket, I began a very potent weekend-long search on Etsy and Ebay and every other place online for the "perfect" leather jacket. I even spent a lengthy detour looking at vegan leather jackets. I was hoping the "perfect" leather jacket wasn't the one that cost $250, possibly made from baby cows.

Probably everyone else has realized this, but in my extensive search (by extensive I mean, I would sit at my computer for hours looking at jacket after jacket after jacket) I began to notice that most leather "motorcycle" jackets have most of the features the above jacket possesses. They usually have zippers on the sleeves (this one does, though you can't see them here), a little snap pocket, snappy lapels, asymmetrical zipper, and usually three zippered pockets. They usually have a belt (like the pink jacket pictured).

I began to form my requirements for a leather jacket. You see, when I want something, it always has to be the PERFECT specimen of that item. In order to reach my requirements for perfection, I have to do an obscene amount of research to know what my idea of perfection is for a particular item. My requirements eventually became thus:

*the jacket had to have some sort of insulation on the inside; I want it WARM.
*the snaps and zippers and pockets all have to be functional and sturdy-looking
*the metal on the jacket has to be chrome
*I NEED those sleeve-zippers
*it has to fit
*I don't want one that's already studded up. Some weird "authentic punk" part of me couldn't possibly buy a jacket pre-personalized.

I looked up the history of the leather jacket. It originated in the Civil War for soldiers. In 1928 Irving Schott created the iconic style we all know to this day, called The Perfecto. This is the jacket worn by Marlon Brando (below) in "The Wild One" that started the pop culture idea that a leather jacket is somehow tough and rebellious. It seems that the leather motorcycle jacket has been ubiquitous ever since. Since my obsession began on Friday, I've been noticing them EVERYWHERE. They're all basically the same, and yet seeing one does make me think someone is tough and cool, so I drank the Kool-Aid, I guess.

One annoying aspect (aside from fit issues, there were several) of shopping for a leather jacket was that many of the product pictures included a very skinny woman with one hand in her long unwashed hair and the jacket OPEN. Um, I can't see what the frickin' jacket looks like if it's unzipped and tangled with your amazing hair and frilly dress. Yes, you look awesome, but please show me some pics with the jacket zipped and your hands in the pockets so I know they work. Is that so hard? I want pictures from all angles and a lengthy description alongside each item. I want a visual and intellectual experience in lieu of being able to touch the item I'm intending to purchase.

Fun fact: those snappy things on the shoulders are called epaulettes and they were originally designed to secure bag straps to your person as you rode into the sunset on your hog.

I honestly did spend several hours Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday in this search/obsession. It usually doesn't take me very long to find the perfect [x], but leather jackets are fucking EVERYWHERE, as I said. This is one of the first times in my life I was searching for something that I could find in so many different places. The paradox of choice was crippling. This search was all I talked about. Finally, Monday arrived and with it an email from a woman at Kill Star. She sent me a document containing the measurements for several of their jackets on the site. None of them were the jacket I want and all of the measurements were different, for each style of jacket. She also didn't answer the other questions I had (is it warm? and is it really lambs or baby cows?). The sale on their site, the one that made my coveted jacket 250$ instead of 300$, was ending at 6pm.

At 5:20 after a long day of sifting through a sea of leather I decided that I would make 6pm my deadline for this obsession. If I hadn't chosen a jacket by 5:55pm, I would possibly decide to purchase the jacket on Kill Star, despite my reservations about size (non-returnable if it didn't fit!), baby cows, and jacket warmth. Or maybe I'd have to decide that a leather jacket isn't for me at all. I became an even more vigorous shopping machine. I combed every jacket within my price range on Etsy, and there were many hundreds.

The more I thought about it, the more I knew I couldn't get the jacket on Kill Star. It looks perfect, but according to the measurements of the other jackets on their site, if I fit in ANY size at all, it would be the Extra Large. EXTRA LARGE. I'm 5'5" and 150 pounds. I'm not even overweight, but I'd have to order an Extra Large. How depressing is that? From the UK. For $250. And it might be lambs or baby cows. And I'd feel like shit about that. I really really would. Because my purchase of new leather would contribute to the present slaughter of animals. It's gratuitous. Also, I don't feel morally good about spending a chunk of change on a company that doesn't have sizing for a woman bigger than me. I tend to have rose-colored glasses about my own size, but I know I'm not extra large! Somewhere around 5:30 I knew that the Kill Star jacket would not be mine, even if I didn't find a better jacket in the next thirty minutes.

Then I found it. "Vintage" (from the '80s, so I don't know that you could call it vintage) so I wouldn't have guilt about financially contributing to dead baby cows. The money I'd spend on this jacket would go to a cute hipster chick (I'm guessing--it might be a group of cute hipster chicks and dudes, I don't know) selling stuff on Etsy. That's ok with me. If she buys baby cow meat with my money, at least I'm not directly culpable. It had ALL my requirements. The only issue was that it is a men's jacket. The dimensions for the chest, waist, and hips are all essentially the same, but the chest and hips are pretty exact to my measurements.

To you, this jacket might look like all the other leather jackets, but to me it is beautiful. It is my size. It is insulated. It has functional pockets (even one on the inside!). It's sort of faded, which I didn't know I wanted until I noticed how cool this jacket looks compared to the deep black colors of many others. It's unadorned. It's half the price of the one on Kill Star. The description was long and detailed and the photos were copious and from all angles and levels of zipped and unzipped. This is a fully functional jacket. My search ended around 5:45.

The obsession was frankly kind of crazy...ok, really crazy. Buuuuuut, after finally clicking purchase, I am faced with the same feeling I get every time I do something like this. It is a feeling of relief. A feeling of calm. A feeling of knowing for an absolute fact that if THIS leather jacket doesn't work for me, then I'm just not a leather jacket person. This feeling is one of not having settled. I was thoughtful and thorough. Most likely, I will have this leather jacket until the day I die.

This is how I choose everything of value in my life. I chose to marry Michael with a similar approach to thoroughness, logic, and scrutiny of detail. I know for a scientific fact that he's the being for me and no other will do. I also do this with things that don't matter as much and sometimes it wastes a lot of time and causes more headaches than is required. Generally though, I know what I want and why I want it because I can logically back it up, at least to myself.

***UPDATE (1/9/15): I wanted to give a bit of a shoutout to Hot Trash Vintage. I have bought from them several times since my first purchase of this leather jacket and each time I have been very satisfied. They show LOTS of pictures of each item on their Etsy. They have detailed descriptions. They list all measurements (even measurements of the model and whether or not the garment is pinned on the model, etc). They also post pictures of Buffy frequently on their Instagram. AND they love '90s clothes. They're like my spirit-clothing-store-animal and I never would have found them if I hadn't started this insane search for the perfect leather jacket.

As an EXTRA added bonus, the jacket came with arcade tokens in the little snap pocket. They probably weren't noticed by the seller, but it made my cheesy heart glow thinking about the previous owner playing Galaga in the '80s while wearing my jacket. I eventually put a couple of studs on the epaulets and a synthesizer pin on a lapel. I still feel a little weird wearing a motorcycle jacket but it's warm and no one has fucked with me while wearing it...yet.

A collection of thoughts best when edited.

I'm feeling pretty insecure about revisions on my novel. My writing is all tell, no show. I'm realizing that this skeleton of a novel requires a tearing down, a rebuild and restructure. A whole mess of work will need to go into it and today was an experience of insecurity as I tried to tackle a bit of it. I don't know what I'm doing at all. I am aware that my choices are to quit or to keep going until a glacial pace becomes something more akin to movement. I want to choose the unpaved path, but I'm stumbling...

quite literally, as I fell down the stairs a few hours ago. I wanted to go down to get a glass of water as I was bellydancing and, with my left hand on the railing and my right hand holding the glass, I went down on the FIRST step. If it weren't for the railing, it would have been much worse, but I slid on my back and right ass cheek, weight distributed as evenly as it can be on my right flank. All. the. Way. Down. This is the fourth time I've fallen down these stairs. My right ass cheek feels like a watermelon and my back has stair-burn, but I still finished bellydancing (after crying and then downing a couple of ibuprofen) and I am still going out tonight to have a few whiskey drinks with friends.

Because, though I am untrained and I am insecure and I am a bit swollen, at least I spent time creating today.

I thank the ass gods that I was graced with plenty of meat to protect my bones and I thank my sweet husband for installing a railing a few months ago.

I was also going to write about how I feel about cultural appropriation and the new Dum Dum Girls album, but I think I'll start getting ready to go out instead. Might as well wear my new lipstick and a dress that accentuates a swollen ass.

So, look forward to the following articles soon:

*cultural appropriation: This white girl is all for it as long as it's not done to mock another culture, because a/ she has no culture and b/ her bindhi isn't hurting anyone

*Dum Dum Girls // Too True: amazing Cure-inspired album has been on repeat all week.

Album Review: Lorde // Pure Heroine

Lorde // Pure Heroine

It’s been said in other reviews of Lorde’s “Pure Heroine” that she mentions being bored twice in the first twenty seconds of the first track. This is true, but I don’t think she’s disaffected or jaded. She’s 17 and her lyrics make you want to pick up your friends and just driiiiive. 

Lorde’s voice is somewhere between Lana Del Rey’s sultry alto and Florence Welch’s theatric wail-vibrations. 

The vibe of this record includes a barrage of emotion constrained into a monotone voice and for some reason, I’m totally into that. For example, I heard this awesome band Clawhammer this weekend at the Blackthorn and they had this statuesque chick, not unlike Katharine Whalen from “Squirrel Nut Zippers”, standing almost on the outside of the rest of the band playing washboard. She was good at it, but she barely moved as she played, and her face was deadpan, even when she sang. I imagine this is Lorde’s visage live, having only heard the record and not seen her videos, though I’m told she stares at you through the screen without blinking. Sounds about right.

I can’t even describe the effect Lorde has on me. “Pure Heroine” has the ability to transport me back to 11th grade within those first “bored” twenty seconds. It captures that summer after junior year (I know, it’s like REALLY specific) when you’ve just begun to feel the prickling of adult depression and you’re trying to pretend you didn’t see it creeping up on you. You’re young enough that turning your head and sticking your fingers in your ears is enough to block out that Grey Beast, at least for a few more years. You’re starting to feel old, even though you’re not…at ALL. To be completely honest with you, I don’t feel that differently now. 

I have a feeling you could play this album at some awkward hangout with old friends from high school that you haven’t seen since high school (like maybe a reunion?) and suddenly everyone would clink their Pabst cans in solidarity. Then someone would suggest going out to vandalize something. Perhaps Lorde is a bad influence, but if loving “Pure Heroine” is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Best Lyric: “Nothing’s wrong if nothing’s true…I live in a hologram with you.”

Best Track: Glory and Gore

Overall Rating: 3/5

Justin Timberlake // The 20/20 Experience

"If I had more time, I would have written a shorter letter." -a quote from maybe Mark Twain, maybe a French mathematician named Blaise Pascal, or perhaps it just appeared in consciousness.

In many ways Timberlake, like countless artists throughout time, suffers from a lack of brevity. "The 20/20 Experience" is 21 tracks long, both parts told, and the tracks average at 7 minutes long. Timbaland/Timberlake tend to crescendo into a groovy dance or R&B track and just when you've decided you like it, the mood shifts into a totally different animal that you might not like at all. Just because this approach worked with "Lovestoned/I Think She Knows" doesn't mean it works with everything, boys. At least with the aforementioned masterpiece, they had the courtesy to name the track with a slash. One knows a song is going to change with a slash in the title.

I have a repeating rant in my head about brevity. Editing is a religion to me. Artists NEED to have people around them telling them to cut songs. An album you can play in its entirety is going to be 8-10 tracks long. Edit, people! There's just never a good reason for 15 tracks and three bonus remixes, in my opinion.

Verbosity aside, I am very partial to JT, to his entire person. I like his attitude, his acting, his style, his dancing, and his lovable freaking face. I'm always going to give Justin's endeavors a fair shot, because I find him to be a spectacular human being. His lyrics are sexy in a way that at first seems a bit submissive towards his women protagonists, but on closer inspection the submissiveness is revealed as respect and consent. Consent is hardly ever implicit within pop songs about sex, but JT's overall song demeanor is body-positive, respectful, AND consensual. Timberlake's lyrics have just a touch of bravado, instead of the usual r&b man's downright assault of it. This makes the man actually sexy in all the ways that other male r&b artists THINK they are.

Justin seems to have a lot of respect for women in general. Even onstage, his women backup dancers aren't objectified. They're typically wearing suits as snazzy as their frontman's duds. In JT's world, women are appreciated and the implications that their pleasure "comes first" are obvious (in "Cabaret") and welcome. It's easy to feel like this man is a good man AND an excellent lover. I can't say that about any other male artist off the top of my head, except maybe Josh Homme.

Though I am obviously very enamored with JT's personae, I find his music aurally to be hit or miss, like a lot of pop/r&b artists. I skip the r&b tracks, gravitating toward the more pop/dance flavors of JT. I typically keep about half the tracks on each of his albums, but I usually fiercely love those tracks. "Cry Me a River" is still a masterpiece 11 years later.

With "The 20/20 Experience" it's a different animal entirely. I wasn't compelled to buy ANY of the tracks from part 1 and I'm just sorting through part 2. So far, I really dig the first two tracks of part 2, but overall, the "...Experience" is a disappointment. I read that he's fulfilling a (record) contractual obligation by putting out these two records this year, and it shows. His heart doesn't seem to be entirely in it, though part of that could be explained in that his vocals seem to be processed a little back in the mix. In listening to this album, I feel JT is distanced from me. For an r&b man, one is supposed to feel like it's just you and JT in a bedroom. This album gets there in lyrics about half the time ("True Blood" and "Gimme What I Don't Know [I Want]" are the songs I'd like to be alone with.). But again, that voice that's usually so invitingly confidential seems partially hidden on this album, or perhaps Justin is putting on that fake smile that doesn't quite reach the eyes.

This lack of warmth makes me afraid this is Justin Timberlake's last musical effort. Though this album falls flat, the man behind it has got a voice (both literally and P.O.V.-wise) and I don't want to stop hearing it.

MixtressRae's final RATING -- 1/5
Best Tracks -- "Gimme What I Don't Know (I Want)" and "True Blood"

Top Five JT songs ever:
"Cry Me a River"
"FutureSex/LoveSounds"
"What Goes Around..."
"Lovestoned"
"True Blood" (maybe...I've only known this song three days)

Gender =/= Binary

I'm of the opinion that the only binary thing in this universe is computer coding.

We all know that some people are boys and some people are girls.

Most of us also know that some women feel like they should have been born men and vise versa.

But the thing that hardly anyone (outside of the internet) talks about is that some people don't identify with any gender at all. Or maybe you feel about 65% man, 30% woman, and 5% "meh?"

Gender identity is a continuum. You can identify at any point on the 0-infinity scale.

My theory is that gender is a made-up construct*.

*Overall, I am a female with no real problems with this fact. I don't want this theory/argument to AT ALL diminish the very real struggles transgender individuals deal with on a daily basis. I don't know how that feels. However, I theorize that without the societal pressure surrounding gender constructs that I feel we imposed upon ourselves as a species perhaps people wouldn't feel uncomfortable in their own bodies anymore. If there weren't all these rules about WHO you're supposed to be based upon your genitalia, would you be unhappy with the shape of that genitalia?

How many of, again societal, problems would be fixed if gender binaries weren't so strictly enforced?

I've whined many times about the continuum of sexuality. The dial tunes precisely for preferences of frequency and gender. A third dial is for gender identity. Or maybe the second two dials shouldn't even exist at all. Without gender, your identity AND your attraction to another would be attached to who you are, not what's between your legs and flooding your brain.

Life could be more about how we treat each other and whether or not we're nice human beings than about gender and sex.

While it's not as simple as dials that go from 1-10, if you were to determine where you fit on these three dials, what would your numbers be [see chart above]?

I'll start:
Sexuality -- 3.5
Gender Preference -- 6.5
Gender Identity -- 4

Battle of the RADIO stars.

You may have heard that there is yet another “Pandora-killer” on the market: iTunes Radio. It works the same way all the internet radio services work. It plays a station based upon an artist/song/genre of your choice and you can “star” it or reject it. We all know the drill of user-input internet radio. 

I decided to compare 4 of these radio services in a highly scientific (I made a chart and everything!) analysis. I gave each service a point for each of 8 set parameters they excel within. With each service I listened to a station based on Grimes’ “Circumambient” for an hour counting songs listened and songs liked, then converted the ratio to a percentage. If the percentage of songs liked was at least 75%, the service gets a point. Math! Who will win the battle of radio??

Spotify Radio --

Availability/Convenience: Available on computers, Apple and Android apps. (+1)

Price: free with ads or $10/mo (+1)

Library Size: 20 million songs (+1)

Ability to Customize Stations: Once a station has been started, only customization is “thumbs up” or “thumbs down” within tracks.

Streaming Quality: 320 kbps (+1)

User Interface: Pretty if a bit of a learning curve. There are a lot of apps/features within the computer program that make it easy to discover new music. (+1)

Standout Features: When you “like” a song, Spotify automatically adds it to a “Liked from Radio” playlist. This playlist isn’t playable on mobile devices if you’re a free user, however.

Listening enjoyment: 65%

Overall Score: 5/8

Pandora --

Availability/Convenience: Available Everywhere. (+1) 

Price: free with ads or $36/year (+1)

Library Size: 1 million songs

Ability to Customize Stations: You can rename stations and add multiple artists and songs. (+1)

Streaming Quality: free users are stuck at 128kbps and paid subscribers can only get up to 192kbps. 

User Interface: UI is fine online but the mobile app’s ads take up a lot of space and are incredibly annoying if you’re a free user. The album artwork is typically low quality and often altogether missing.

Standout Features: Pandora started it, but they are way behind and need to retool their approach now that everyone else is in the radio business.

Listening enjoyment: 92% (+1) Though this percentage is high, the selection was boring overall.

Overall Score: 4/8

iTunes Radio -- 

Availability/Convenience: The service is conveniently integrated into the iTunes app on computers and iDevices, but it’s not available on Android devices. 

Price: free with ads or $25/year (+1)

Library Size: 27 million songs (+1)

Ability to Customize Stations: You can rename stations and add multiple artists, songs, and genres. There’s also an option to tune your station to “hits, discovery, or mix” which is pretty cool. (+1)

Streaming Quality: Apple hasn’t revealed their kilobits per second, but it sounds decent. Purchased tracks from iTunes are 256kbps, so that’s likely their streaming bitrate as well. (+1)

User Interface: UI is user-friendly and pretty, as is Apple’s wont. I also really enjoy the simplicity of the service being integrated into iTunes apps. (+1)

Standout Features: That ability to tune your stations is pretty sweet. You can also add songs to a wishlist and/or buy them directly from iTunes. (+1)

Listening enjoyment: 79% (+1)

Overall Score: 7/8

Google Music Radio --

Availability/Convenience: Available on computer, Android and there are workaround apps for Apple, but no Google Music app proper as of yet. (+.5) 

Price: $10/mo to access the radio feature and Google Music All Access, their on-demand music service.

Library Size: 20 million (+1)

Ability to Customize Stations: You can rename stations only.

Streaming Quality: 320 kbps. (+1)

User Interface: UI is great on Android and computer, but the workaround apps for Apple are clunky and don’t always work. (+.5)

Standout Features: Because Google’s radio service is only available with their subscription service, you have the ability to add songs to your library, skip, replay, and see your future queue. (+1)

Listening enjoyment: 65%

Overall Score: 4/8

WINNER -- iTunes Radio.

FINAL THOUGHTS -- iTunes Radio wins for me because it’s convenient, customizable, and I have several Apple products. It was incredibly liberating to FINALLY give up on Pandora. Their bad bitrates and annoying ads led me to close Pandora’s box, maybe forever. If you’re an Android user who is similarly vexed with Pandora, Spotify Radio is an excellent free alternative. Which radio service to use is highly subjective, so pick your favorite and email me your thoughts at mixtressrae@yahoo.com

My journey with Body-Acceptance.

youtube.com/user/lacigreen.
Watch her videos. They will make you happy.

Worrying about my appearance has been a lifelong struggle for me and everyone reading this, I presume. I'm not going to go too much into how badly our society treats us, because we all know how bad we feel about ourselves. We blame ourselves because we take the seeds planted everywhere outside the body and nurture the growth of self-hatred within it. Yeah, I blame "society" but I want to talk about how I've begun to internalize self-love instead of -loathe. WE make up society, so let's change the attitude of the collective one body-positive soul at a time.

I used to count calories. I used an app and logged every damn thing I ate. Did I lose weight? Maybe at best, I lost 3-5 pounds. Did I learn to hate eating? Yes. Did I avoid eating things so I wouldn't have to log them (how many peanuts is a serving? ah, fuck it. I'll just go take a nap.)? Yes. Was I constantly hungry? Yes. Well, ok, so there would be days that my allotted calorie intake was too high. I'd be full and satisfied but still have 750 calories left and wonder if I was starving myself without knowing it and then eat more than I wanted to eat. Most days I would hit my calorie-quota at like 5pm and be hungry the other 8 hours of my day (My bedtime is 1am.). Hunger causes headaches and crankiness. I was bitchy a lot of the time and for what? A measly couple of pounds? About a month ago I decided to try to count calories again after a hiatus. I did it for less than a week before I decided once and for all that I'm not doing that anymore. Suddenly it seemed so simple. Calorie-counting makes me nuts. It isn't enjoyable. Following numbers on an app instead of listening to my body and how much food it wants on any given day not only didn't work as a weight-loss tool, but made me hate eating. I typically take great joy in eating.

I now suffer from the earth-child belief that if I really listen to when my body wants food and when it's full and when it needs to eliminate waste (I have sphincter-shyness, so I kind of have to remind myself to poop.) I will be happy and healthy and weigh whatever it is I'm "supposed" to weigh. Since adopting this attitude I have been steadily losing a bit of weight. When I feel idle, I take a walk or pop in a bellydance or yoga DVD or Just Dance game. When I'm hungry, I eat, etc. Mindfulness is the key here, I think.

I just finished a three month long challenge a friend on Facebook started. We were all supposed to pick a fitness-related goal to be achieved in the months of July, August, and September. Most people chose a number to subtract from their bodies. I knew from the beginning that if I chose scale-digits, I would be setting myself up for self-loathing and disappointment. I chose to walk 900,000 steps in those three months, the equivalent of walking 10,000 steps/day for all but two days. I figured two days off were pretty reasonable. I've had a Fitbit (pedometer-type activity tracker) since April of last year and only ever really averaged 7-8,000 steps a day. Let me tell you, 10,000 steps a day is a bit of a feat. To get that number, I had to walk 45 minutes - an hour and a half per day. I picked up the habit of walking to work every day. I even started walking home for lunch on days I had an hour lunch. It takes about 15 minutes for me to walk from home to work or vise versa, so on 8-hour workdays I'd walk half my hour lunch break and another half hour total at the beginning and end of my shift. I also walk around at work a bit, though I'm sitting most of the day. These days I'd average about 12,000 steps. On days off if I don't take any walks whatsoever I average about 4,000 steps. On a brisk-paced walk, I get about 1,000 steps per 10 minutes so on days off I have to take at least two half-hour walks in order to get to my goal of 10,000. That's a lot of stats.

So what happened with the three-month goal of 900,000? I made it. I totally achieved that shizz and it was hard! I walk everywhere now. I only use my car now to get to my cleaning job on Thursdays and to run errands or go on road trips. I learned that I can walk to work in the middle of terrible August heat. Sure, I'm a bit sweatier/stinkier at work these days, but if anyone has noticed, they're being too polite to let me know. I learned that I can walk to work in the rain. I suspect that snow and cold won't be a problem either, come winter. I have a coat and boots. The 10,000 steps per day goal is also a number that doesn't always need to be achieved, however. If you're sick, you might want to listen to your body's pleas to sleep and drink OJ. On my cleaning job days I work really hard for 6 hours straight scrubbing and vacuuming and dusting, etc. At the end of 6 hours cleaning I might have only amassed 6,000 steps but I worked my ass off, so I think I can skip the 40 minute walk. Computing fitness can be helpful, but it's no match for listening to YOURSELF.

A big important message that seems so nauseatingly simple that I don't think many of us consciously realize it: OUR BODIES ARE OUR OWN. We can do with them whatever we please, no matter what the people around us tell us, both to our faces and behind our backs. I ultimately decided that walking to work is more important to me than showing up to work sweat-free and squeaky clean. I might be a bit red-faced and sweaty when I get there, but I'm invigorated with exercise and mentally ready for the day. If it feels like a no-bra day, I don't put on a bra. What the worst that could happen? I get cold and someone sees the definition of a nipple? OMG, not like we don't ALL have nipples.

It bears repetition: OUR BODIES BELONG TO US. I have the right to go braless or cultivate pit hair or wear glitter or take a nap at four in the afternoon and so do you. It's not even a matter of listening to our bodies...our bodies are ourselves. We need not fragment the whole of who we are; mind, body, soul. What's the fucking difference? If we listen to ourselves, we know what to do. Eat, sleep, move, nap, intellectualize, create. What do YOU want to do right now?

An' it harm none. Do what thou wilt.

An' it harm none, do as thou wilt.

My favorite tenant in Wicca. I think it's akin to the inherent wisdom of The Golden Rule.

In my baby moleskine on 9/14/13 I wrote the following:

"Figuring out where you fit in a world (any world, be it highschool, marriage, as an art major...) isn't worth the turmoil. Be a world unto yourself."

What I mean by this...

A person can waste a life worrying about what others think and squelching their natural reactions.

Today I tried to stop myself from smelling souvenirs a friend was giving me from Iceland. But, I ALWAYS smell things! That's how I know I like them. If they smell good. It helps me get the full sensory experience. I suppose this is one of the things I'm learning as an Aspergirl...to just let myself have the reactions. I tend to have to get STINKING WASTED DRUNK in order to do some of the things I naturally want to do in life like a/ hug ppl, b/ scream "you're the hotness!" at the top of my lungs, c/ lay in the grass, and d/ prance. I will get upset if I don't remember doing these things when drunk, but I'm not at all surprised. I do those things then because I do what I feel in that state. I really do love my friends and think they're the "hotness" and I want to dance and sing and prance and act like a freaking weirdo, because that's what I fucking am.

Here's a gif of Buffy drinking. I love her post-shot face. It makes me happy:

So my point, and I do have one, is that as long as you're not hurting anyone else by your behavior, please just be yourself. Do your thing and others that are just as whatever-the-fuck-you-are will be attracted to your aura and shit. I swear, I'm only on my second beer as I write this...

Anyway, this is not at all a new sentiment. I'm not saying anything interesting here. I do want you to know that you've got specialness, bitch! Flaunt it.

My "unreasonable" expectations.

I recently learned about this phenomenon called the Bechdel Test for movies. Essentially, it is thus: For a movie to pass the Bechdel Test, it has to a) have two or more NAMED female characters that b) talk to each OTHER c) about a topic other than MEN.

Sounds simple, yeah? NO. It is unfortunately not FUCKING SIMPLE at all. I am angry.

So, after finding out about this thing I decided that I would check on the status of my favorite movies and every potential movie in the theatre I wanted to see. I have, for now, refused to see any movie that doesn't pass. Guess what doesn't pass? "Star Trek" barely has two female characters and they sure as shit don't talk to each other. A movie about the future doesn't include women, apparently. Gene Roddenberry would NOT approve. "World's End" (wtf, Simon Pegg? What the ACTUAL fuck?) has two or more named female characters but all they do is talk about the men. This movie is ostensibly (and I don't know, because I prevented myself from seeing a film that I SHOULD really enjoy) about a bunch of friends drinking and hanging out waiting for the end of the world. God, that sounds like a riot. I want to watch this movie, but it's on the surface a film that doesn't care enough about half the population to have them talking about something other than their male counterparts.

This thing has RUINED TV and movies for me, but it needed to be done, so I hope it ruins it for you too.

After the "World's End" debacle I asked myself if I was being too strict. I decided I was not. In the year 2013 women (again, 50% of the population of Earth? You know, HALF?!?!?) should be respected enough to appear in movies for reasons other than support of men in the form of sexuality and pep talks. I happen to know a lot of women (being that we're HALF the population of Earth) and you know what? We barely ever talk about men, especially for the purposes of trying to figure them out and never, I repeat NEVER, to worship them. There's the occasional, "He's so dreamy" but then we shake the stars out of our eyes and talk about our creative projects and music and pop culture and politics and literature and....

*deep cleansing breath*

When you think about it, this Bechdel Test is a really low expectation. All a movie has to do is have named females talking to each other about something, ANYTHING, but boys. How hard is that? A lot of terrible movies can pass the test. The test was created in the '80s and we still need it. This pisses me off to such a ginormous degree that I can actually feel my heart slamming against my rib cage right now. We deserve better, Simon Pegg. How hard would it have been to include three or four females in your pack of boy BFFs in your damn blockbuster movie?

One ray of hope is Paul Feig, the creator of "Bridesmaids" and "The Heat". "The Heat" is the only movie I've been able (As in wanted to watch and then succeeded in going to watch, time and funds allowing. There are others I have yet to see that pass.) to watch this summer. It is hilarious. See it. Paul has stated he strives to make everything he creates pass the Bechdel Test. Thanks for being on our side, Feig. Thank you so much.

Another pet peeve that's so far in our hypothetical future that it's like four post-Bechdel Tests from now: men in graphic sex scenes are never shown with a hand to the vagina during coitus. Most women need clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm during sex. As in the majority. But the women in movies and TV are shown losing their fucking minds during sex while the dudes are just jackhammering away (I'm talking to you, Bill Compton) without any regard to the nerve-centric pleasure center on the female body. Cliteracy, people!

My favorite movie of all time (as stated in this blog after extensive hours of analysis) is "High Fidelity" and it doesn't pass. There are many named female characters, but the only conversation between two of them occurs at a lunch between the characters of Laura and Liz and they're just talking about Rob the whole time. I had to reorganize my brain to explain away this betrayal by telling myself that they probably talked about several other topics too but because this movie is told from the point of view of Rob, this conversation could have been entirely in his head anyway and he's a selfish character so why would he think they talked about anything BUT him? Check out bechdeltest.com to see if your favorite movies pass.

The Bechdel test can be modified for minorities as well. Are there two or more named (insert minority here) characters? Do they speak to each other? about something other than the main white male characters?

Why the fuck is our society so backwards? We're just now letting same sex people get married but we still act as if women and people of color are second class citizens decades/centuries after legally giving them "equal rights" so how long will gay people still have stigma-status after their rights have been equalized? We're backsliding. I hate us so much right now.

*drops mic*