I am an Aspergirl, Part Three.

What I meant yesterday when I said I don't understand how career, marriage, children is ever a fulfilling life, what I meant was: For me, I don't get that these are goals. I mean, I get how a career is a goal, but I don't get how children and marriage are goals. I never dreamed of my wedding until I was engaged. I couldn't imagine children as a goal unless I was already with my lifepartner and making the decision then. I guess what I mean is that these aren't givens to me like they seem to be for NTs (neurotypical people). I didn't want to belittle someone who has the wife/kid/career thing and loves it. I love my husband and I love my furbabies (two dogs, a cat and a ferret) and I love maintaining a home. But I didn't have husband as goal before the one that became mine was around for YEARS. And I realize this is different  than the way most people feel.

Also, I looked up stuff on schizotypal personality disorder today. It seems like it shares a lot of traits/aspects with Asperger's. Both are eccentric personalities. Schizophrenia is a continuum like everything else and apparently it goes:
*mild schizo = schizoid
*moderate schizo = schizotypal
*severe schizo = schizophrenia

Some things that don't fit (for me) about schizotypal are: onset in adulthood (I'm pretty sure anyone that's ever known me can attest that I've always been weird), magical thinking (I like fantasy worlds, but I don't believe in magical things or have superstitious behavior, unless I'm very distressed and even then I know I'm doing it just to make myself feel better, not as a result of a belief), and I don't think everything in the world is about me (I think they call that delusional ideation or something like that) and I don't think I have wrong perceptions. I do have odd thinking and eccentric appearance and rituals and I am a loner, but I'm pretty sure my ideations are pretty sane...just weird.

Anyway, it doesn't ultimately matter what I'm labeled. I don't care what it's called, only that I can use a word to better understand myself and accept where I am more readily. I don't think disorders are detriments. I think awareness/acceptance of ALL people should be more widespread. If I can throw the word Asperger at someone and they all of a sudden GET something about me, I want to be able to use that resource, for the same reason that I announced my engagement on Facebook. Because I like shorthand. Because I've always had trouble explaining myself and any vocabulary I can use to "compulsively disclose information", I fucking will!

I am an Aspergirl, Part 2.

aka Seeking Diagnosis, part one.

Went to therapy today for the first time this year with the primary goal of validation for my recent self-diagnosis of Asperger's.

Therapist said, "That could fit, but I would assume more Schizoid or Schizotypal." I don't yet know the specifics of either of those, but I do know they're acquired in adulthood and I have always been the way I am now. I think. I feel like the same person I was in high school except that I am more critical of myself now, and less social. I used to talk on the phone. I used to hang out with people. But I could relate to my peers back when we were all weirdos. Now people my age are mostly normal/neurotypical and I'm still the same. "Eccentric". And I'm learning to tolerate the non-eccentricities of others. I used to think every "normal" person was stifling their personalities in order to fit into society, but I'm starting to realize that maybe they're not. Maybe just because you used to have purple hair and now you wear khakis doesn't mean you've "sold out". You "grew up". I didn't and I probably never will. I will still wear the trenchcoat and dye my hair purple. I don't know. I still don't understand how being married with children and a socially acceptable career can be a fulfilling life to anyone. I don't expect people to be like me, but I've always expected people to be unique. I am innately distrustful of "normalcy". I've always thought it was a front, even while knowing I'm NOT normal. I've always HATED it when people tell me I'm different or eccentric because they generally spit the distinction at me as if its a choice. As if I'm trying to get attention. It's not as if I don't know I'm different and eccentric. It's like telling someone that's 6'5" they're tall. Really, Captain Obvious?! So what I'm saying I hate is when people spit it at me, not when they say it with understanding...

There are so many things you can be. Among the things I am: feminist, atheist, Libra, INTJ, bisexual, Color Code: White with secondary Red, goth, hippie, possibly Aspergian....and on and on and on. There's always a continuum and a place we all fit within it. And it means whatever you want it to mean. But I want the clinical diagnosis. I really do. I don't care WHAT that clinical diagnosis is...but I want a signifier, desperately. Why?

I took their "pervasive developmental disorder scale" thing. We'll see in three weeks when I can afford to go again what the next step is...I really do think it's Asperger's.

I am an Aspergirl.

I've been holding off on this post because I've wanted to make it super intelligent and though-out and like an Aspergirl manifesta, but I'm just sick of waiting to form intelligent thought, perhaps it will come out naturally Grimes-Tumblr-style. It could happen.

So, a couple of weeks ago I took the Autism Quotient and scored a 35. A score of 32 and above most likely means you're on the Spectrum. The spectrum of Autism. As I scored in the lower area of Autism, that probably means Asperger's. I haven't sought a formal diagnosis (which I'm planning to talk to my therapist about that at my next appointment) yet, but this label is fitting me so comfortably, so perfectly, that I think a lack of formal diagnosis would piss me off. Because I SO am an Aspergirl.
Let's just get the definitions out of the way first...
Mayo Clinic defines Asperger's Syndrome as: a developmental disorder that affects a person's ability to socialize and communicate effectively with others. Children with Asperger's syndrome typically exhibit social awkwardness and an all-absorbing interest in specific topics.

Doctors group Asperger's syndrome with other conditions that are called autistic spectrum disorders or pervasive developmental disorders. These disorders all involve problems with social skills and communication. Asperger's syndrome is generally thought to be at the milder end of this spectrum.

While there's no cure for Asperger's syndrome, if your child has the condition treatment can help him or her learn how to interact more successfully in social situations.

Some of the symptoms (what I'd rather refer to as traits) that I exhibit include:

• lack of eye contact and awkward body postures/positions
• not understanding sarcasm: I never have. The first time my mom did it and explained the concept to me as a child I said, "I don't like that. Don't do that ever again."
• poor coordination
• mutism: being unable to speak in certain situations. For me, this is usually exhibited in one-on-one situations, especially if someone is asking me about myself.
• can engage in monotonous tasks for hours on end: my favorite job ever was being a library page (shelving/checking in books). I love engaging in activities that occupy a background-space of my mind/body so that I can think about other things. My Valium is monotonous physical movement. If I'm sorting/shelving books, I'm calm. If I'm walking, I'm calm. If I'm dancing, I'm calm. If I'm typing, I'm probably ok too. This also goes along with stims (self-stimulating behaviors, like rocking, feet-shaking, weird, repetitive movements). I also can calm myself by touching certain textures. I like brushed aluminum, computer keys, warm metal, paper, etc.
• repetitive routines/rituals: I fall apart without my routines. I almost can't sleep without watching Star Trek first. The soothing background noise on the Enterprise in The Next Generation calms me greatly.
• eccentric personality/style: Have you seen me? Yeah.
• strong sensory sensitivity: I find this to be the biggest part of being an Aspergirl. Every moment of every day I try to control my sensory input. I won't go to shows unless I know I like the music. I've taken to wearing earbuds when I go to movies, as they're often too loud for me. I'm constantly turning up and down the TV so that it's "perfect". I can't stand the sound of dishes clanking together. On days when I'm having a really hard time getting out of the house for work, I wear really comfortable layers and hide within the softness in order to create a buffer with the outside world. I frequently feel as if I don't want to be "seen". I like to have music going at all times, but I have to choose the music and the volume level myself. If I could always have headphones on in public, I'd function a LOT better in social situations. The only time I feel empowered/capable is while listening to music. Often I am overwhelmed by emotions portrayed in pop culture and I can't continue watching something that upsets me, especially if an image upsets me, I'll experience it over and over again in my mind for hours after seeing it. I can also be intensely distracted by an aspect of someone's appearance on a show or movie I'd otherwise enjoy and have to stop watching. For example, I can barely look at Courtney Cox on Friends because I know how much she'll fuck up her face later. Even though she was beautiful on Friends and I love her character as Monica, I can barely look at her with flashes of her new alien face flashing in my head.  
• attachment to animals and/or inanimate objects over people: I have NO problem bonding with animals and electronics, its people I have difficulty understanding.
• being in "their own world": I am CONSTANTLY fighting this at work. I have to remind myself to do my job constantly, because it's very easy to daydream in reference.
• can spend hours in a library researching: but the problem here is that I can only spend hours researching something I care about. If someone asks me to help them on their family history, forget about it. I don't fucking care and I have a hard time pretending I do.
• unusual preoccupations
• hard time saying "i love you" or showing affection: I have a very hard time with this. I assume that those I am close to know how much I care about them because I tolerate their presence. I am aware how this sounds, and I try to be more engaging, especially in my marriage, but it is a conscious effort.
• need to withdraw into solitude frequently: I would prefer to spend about 75% of my time alone (with animals and internet connectivity with other humans).
• attention narrowly focused on their own interests: I really only light up in a conversation when something interests me personally. I have a hard time remembering to ask what's going on with the person I'm speaking to. I tend to befriend people who entertain me, as well. If you bore me, I probably won't engage with you often.
• shuts down in social situations: if I feel like I'm not in control or can't predict something in a social situation, I probably won't even be there, let alone engage. I will probably leave a situation immediately if I can't find a calm, comfortable, clean place to sit. Although, if I was allowed to supply the music, I could probably handle any environment/social atmosphere.
• rigid social behavior due to inability to adapt to social spontaneity
• has a compulsive need to inform which can come off as blunt/rude: This is very true. I have unintentionally hurt people MANY times with my bluntness. Often the reason I am mute in social interactions is because I'm attempting to censor/translate/sift my initial reactions. If I spoke what first came into my mind, I'd sound like Cordelia or Anya on Buffy or Sheldon from Big Bang Theory.
• great difficulty with small-talk: I abhor bullshitting. I am incapable of it and I find you fake if you engage in it. I don't get it at all. One of the reasons I don't say "i love you" often is because I want to genuinely FEEL it at the moment I'm saying it. I feel the same about conversation. I don't want to say something unless it's genuine. My expectations, therefore, for what is "genuine" are extremely rigid.
• can appear younger than age in dress, actions, etc: I never understand what people mean when they say a 40-year-old woman can't wear certain things. I don't agree with that at all. I wear the same clothes I did in middle school (sometimes literally the same exact articles of clothing). If I like it and fit into it, I'll wear it until it falls apart.
• will not spend a lot of time grooming: My hair has to be no-maintenance. I only bathe every other day. I only wash my hair once or twice a week and only brush it once every two weeks or so. I don't spend much time looking in the mirror. As long as my zits don't need to be popped and my self/clothes are relatively clean, I'm good to go. 
• androgynous (hates gender roles): This is a big one. I hate gendered expectations/roles. One of the reasons I'm obsessed with drag is because I like when people play with gender.
• enjoys reading scifi/fantasy
• may find employment daunting: It is a struggle almost every day for me to go to work. I accomplish it and have held down a job for 9 years, but it's only part time and I don't think I'd ever be able to handle full time work. 
• highly intelligent, yet sometimes can be slow to comprehend due to sensory and cognitive processing issues. Will not do well with verbal instruction--needs to write down or draw diagram: there are several times at work where I will have to ask again and again the same questions about how to do something. I WILL NOT remember until I write it down.
• due to sensory issues, can be overwhelmed by sex: it takes a LOT of emotional energy for me to have sex. It feels like a total body overtaking and it is a huge gesture of love for me to engage in sex. I feel like I will "never be enough" in this category. This is the #1 issue in my romantic relationships. All sensory stimuli have to be in perfect alignment for me to be "in the mood". It's very difficult for anyone attempting to have a romantic relationship with me. I feel a lot of guilt about this issue as well. 
• words and actions often misunderstood by others: like all misfits, I feel misunderstood almost all the time

I already feel very exhausted by exposing all of this. I made a sort of Asperger's announcement on Facebook, but have gotten hardly any response. I guess people don't know what to say? Some close friends/family have said that I don't need a label and they don't think of me as different, but I don't really believe that. I think they're trying to be nice. I feel VERY at odds with people ALL the time. Surely I stand out, socially. I don't understand why they can't tell me the truth. But right now I feel like I DO need a label. I like having an explanation for why I am such a pariah. I really like connecting with people, but I don't want to do it in the way most people do. And I usually can't relate in the way others do. Sensory issues are always with me. Currently, I'm torn between how much of this Aspergian stuff I can work around, how much to use as excuses for things I've always thought I should "get over", like what's the line between acceptance and excuses? On the one hand, it's really great to feel more self-acceptance for all these things I've always thought were "problems" I had, but how do I know when to accept and when that acceptance becomes an excuse, if that makes sense.

Anyway, that's my freestyle rant on being an Aspergirl. I'm happy for the distinction, and I feel I am understanding myself, forgiving myself more than I've ever been able to do. This is a crux of change. This is a moment of precipice and what do I do now? I'm flailing madly between certain/uncertainty.

LIVE THROUGH THIS.

LIVE THROUGH THIS. THIS IS A CALL TO ARMS: I want to do a mental health-themed zine. Talk about how people with diagnoses, depression, coping/sensory issues, Post Traumatic Stress (a LOT of us in Joplin are still dealing with this), etc deal in life. I would love to have some stories/insight/thoughts from close friends/family that I know have found/are in the process of finding ways to live in this world.

Any input in any form (drawings, maps, rants, poetry, ANYTHING from any perspective/place in the process) would be greatly appreciated. I will use your content for my zine, but you can be anonymous or use an alias should you feel more comfortable disclosing under invisibility cloak. Below are some questions (most of them center around the word "diagnosis", which I am using as a stand-in for any issues of depression, coping, PTSD, etc). You can choose to answer these questions directly for me to use as an interview in the zine (only answer those you're comfortable answering, of course, and feel free to reword/add questions as ye see fit), or just use them as a jumping-off point for anything you want to say.

I want to have this zine out on the Summer Solstice so your deadline to submit content is JUNE 13 and submissions can be sent via email: mixtressrae@yahoo.com

Please consider sharing your experience with others even if all you do is spend ten minutes replying to this blog with a random thought or two.

Thank you SO much in advance,

Stephanie

QUESTIONS/THOUGHTS:

Do you have a diagnosis (self or formal)? What is this diagnosis?

Do you find strength in your diagnosis? Do you disregard your diagnosis?

How have you come to define your diagnosis?

How have you learned to work around discomfort surrounding symptoms of your diagnosis?

How does it feel on your worst days?

How does it feel on your best days?

How have your loved ones responded to your diagnosis?

What do you wish the general public understood about you/people under similar circumstances?

What advice have you for others under similar circumstances?

Weighted Variables.

One of the things I've learned in therapy is that different things need different weights. Different people need different scores. You have to categorize others. You can't put an effort of 10 into a friendship that's, at best, a 6.

I spend hours, days, joyous meticulous time categorizing my music, why wouldn't I categorize my interactions as well? I have realized I am a lot like Sheldon from Big Bang Theory. I often worry that I will unintentionally offend because I never know what offends others. Usually if I offend others it is because they misunderstand me, not that I am as heartless as I seem. I think differently than others. I am a weirdo.

Anyway, my therapist has given me a task to assign values to the people in my life. I tend to worry too much about what others think when I don't understand them yet, and he pointed out that if I don't really care to understand them, why worry about how they see me?

I like to work within boundaries. If I don't know where my parameters lie, I falter. I stumble without bars to hold. I am most comfortable around people who are upfront, blunt, and set clear boundaries with me. This is why I gravitate towards boisterous people. I have tremendous respect for direct individuals and find passive-aggressiveness incredibly exhausting and inefficient. I can compromise and I will say what I want...and when I say "I don't care" I really DON'T CARE. Being somewhat Asperger's and terribly literal (like Sheldon, I often don't pick up on sarcasm) I genuinely feel like this is a simple thing. It seems to me like the general public is stumbling around trying to be nice and not taking what they want out of life. I hate the thought of doing wrong by someone, but if they don't tell me when I overstep a boundary, how do I know it's there?

So, friends and family: I know I am off-putting in my strangeness often, but I do want to do right by you. If you give me a boundary, I will respect you and try to exist within that boundary. I'm going to put my shields down a bit more from now on because I am wilting not opening up to others. I want to be my ballsy self in more places than merely print (blogs, texts, zines, etc). I don't take things personally, therefore I never expect others to do so, therefore, if I offend, please let me know.

If you think of the social interactions/comprehensions of the social atmosphere as a continuum and Sheldon is on the "doesn't get it, doesn't care" side and Penny is on the "socially responsible, empathetic" opposite side of the spectrum, I lie somewhere in between. I usually don't get it, but I am empathetic and I do care...so help me out and explain it to me if I'm not getting it, and don't wast my time or your own in this life being passive. Take what you want and draw those lines!