Justin Timberlake // The 20/20 Experience

"If I had more time, I would have written a shorter letter." -a quote from maybe Mark Twain, maybe a French mathematician named Blaise Pascal, or perhaps it just appeared in consciousness.

In many ways Timberlake, like countless artists throughout time, suffers from a lack of brevity. "The 20/20 Experience" is 21 tracks long, both parts told, and the tracks average at 7 minutes long. Timbaland/Timberlake tend to crescendo into a groovy dance or R&B track and just when you've decided you like it, the mood shifts into a totally different animal that you might not like at all. Just because this approach worked with "Lovestoned/I Think She Knows" doesn't mean it works with everything, boys. At least with the aforementioned masterpiece, they had the courtesy to name the track with a slash. One knows a song is going to change with a slash in the title.

I have a repeating rant in my head about brevity. Editing is a religion to me. Artists NEED to have people around them telling them to cut songs. An album you can play in its entirety is going to be 8-10 tracks long. Edit, people! There's just never a good reason for 15 tracks and three bonus remixes, in my opinion.

Verbosity aside, I am very partial to JT, to his entire person. I like his attitude, his acting, his style, his dancing, and his lovable freaking face. I'm always going to give Justin's endeavors a fair shot, because I find him to be a spectacular human being. His lyrics are sexy in a way that at first seems a bit submissive towards his women protagonists, but on closer inspection the submissiveness is revealed as respect and consent. Consent is hardly ever implicit within pop songs about sex, but JT's overall song demeanor is body-positive, respectful, AND consensual. Timberlake's lyrics have just a touch of bravado, instead of the usual r&b man's downright assault of it. This makes the man actually sexy in all the ways that other male r&b artists THINK they are.

Justin seems to have a lot of respect for women in general. Even onstage, his women backup dancers aren't objectified. They're typically wearing suits as snazzy as their frontman's duds. In JT's world, women are appreciated and the implications that their pleasure "comes first" are obvious (in "Cabaret") and welcome. It's easy to feel like this man is a good man AND an excellent lover. I can't say that about any other male artist off the top of my head, except maybe Josh Homme.

Though I am obviously very enamored with JT's personae, I find his music aurally to be hit or miss, like a lot of pop/r&b artists. I skip the r&b tracks, gravitating toward the more pop/dance flavors of JT. I typically keep about half the tracks on each of his albums, but I usually fiercely love those tracks. "Cry Me a River" is still a masterpiece 11 years later.

With "The 20/20 Experience" it's a different animal entirely. I wasn't compelled to buy ANY of the tracks from part 1 and I'm just sorting through part 2. So far, I really dig the first two tracks of part 2, but overall, the "...Experience" is a disappointment. I read that he's fulfilling a (record) contractual obligation by putting out these two records this year, and it shows. His heart doesn't seem to be entirely in it, though part of that could be explained in that his vocals seem to be processed a little back in the mix. In listening to this album, I feel JT is distanced from me. For an r&b man, one is supposed to feel like it's just you and JT in a bedroom. This album gets there in lyrics about half the time ("True Blood" and "Gimme What I Don't Know [I Want]" are the songs I'd like to be alone with.). But again, that voice that's usually so invitingly confidential seems partially hidden on this album, or perhaps Justin is putting on that fake smile that doesn't quite reach the eyes.

This lack of warmth makes me afraid this is Justin Timberlake's last musical effort. Though this album falls flat, the man behind it has got a voice (both literally and P.O.V.-wise) and I don't want to stop hearing it.

MixtressRae's final RATING -- 1/5
Best Tracks -- "Gimme What I Don't Know (I Want)" and "True Blood"

Top Five JT songs ever:
"Cry Me a River"
"FutureSex/LoveSounds"
"What Goes Around..."
"Lovestoned"
"True Blood" (maybe...I've only known this song three days)

Gender =/= Binary

I'm of the opinion that the only binary thing in this universe is computer coding.

We all know that some people are boys and some people are girls.

Most of us also know that some women feel like they should have been born men and vise versa.

But the thing that hardly anyone (outside of the internet) talks about is that some people don't identify with any gender at all. Or maybe you feel about 65% man, 30% woman, and 5% "meh?"

Gender identity is a continuum. You can identify at any point on the 0-infinity scale.

My theory is that gender is a made-up construct*.

*Overall, I am a female with no real problems with this fact. I don't want this theory/argument to AT ALL diminish the very real struggles transgender individuals deal with on a daily basis. I don't know how that feels. However, I theorize that without the societal pressure surrounding gender constructs that I feel we imposed upon ourselves as a species perhaps people wouldn't feel uncomfortable in their own bodies anymore. If there weren't all these rules about WHO you're supposed to be based upon your genitalia, would you be unhappy with the shape of that genitalia?

How many of, again societal, problems would be fixed if gender binaries weren't so strictly enforced?

I've whined many times about the continuum of sexuality. The dial tunes precisely for preferences of frequency and gender. A third dial is for gender identity. Or maybe the second two dials shouldn't even exist at all. Without gender, your identity AND your attraction to another would be attached to who you are, not what's between your legs and flooding your brain.

Life could be more about how we treat each other and whether or not we're nice human beings than about gender and sex.

While it's not as simple as dials that go from 1-10, if you were to determine where you fit on these three dials, what would your numbers be [see chart above]?

I'll start:
Sexuality -- 3.5
Gender Preference -- 6.5
Gender Identity -- 4

Battle of the RADIO stars.

You may have heard that there is yet another “Pandora-killer” on the market: iTunes Radio. It works the same way all the internet radio services work. It plays a station based upon an artist/song/genre of your choice and you can “star” it or reject it. We all know the drill of user-input internet radio. 

I decided to compare 4 of these radio services in a highly scientific (I made a chart and everything!) analysis. I gave each service a point for each of 8 set parameters they excel within. With each service I listened to a station based on Grimes’ “Circumambient” for an hour counting songs listened and songs liked, then converted the ratio to a percentage. If the percentage of songs liked was at least 75%, the service gets a point. Math! Who will win the battle of radio??

Spotify Radio --

Availability/Convenience: Available on computers, Apple and Android apps. (+1)

Price: free with ads or $10/mo (+1)

Library Size: 20 million songs (+1)

Ability to Customize Stations: Once a station has been started, only customization is “thumbs up” or “thumbs down” within tracks.

Streaming Quality: 320 kbps (+1)

User Interface: Pretty if a bit of a learning curve. There are a lot of apps/features within the computer program that make it easy to discover new music. (+1)

Standout Features: When you “like” a song, Spotify automatically adds it to a “Liked from Radio” playlist. This playlist isn’t playable on mobile devices if you’re a free user, however.

Listening enjoyment: 65%

Overall Score: 5/8

Pandora --

Availability/Convenience: Available Everywhere. (+1) 

Price: free with ads or $36/year (+1)

Library Size: 1 million songs

Ability to Customize Stations: You can rename stations and add multiple artists and songs. (+1)

Streaming Quality: free users are stuck at 128kbps and paid subscribers can only get up to 192kbps. 

User Interface: UI is fine online but the mobile app’s ads take up a lot of space and are incredibly annoying if you’re a free user. The album artwork is typically low quality and often altogether missing.

Standout Features: Pandora started it, but they are way behind and need to retool their approach now that everyone else is in the radio business.

Listening enjoyment: 92% (+1) Though this percentage is high, the selection was boring overall.

Overall Score: 4/8

iTunes Radio -- 

Availability/Convenience: The service is conveniently integrated into the iTunes app on computers and iDevices, but it’s not available on Android devices. 

Price: free with ads or $25/year (+1)

Library Size: 27 million songs (+1)

Ability to Customize Stations: You can rename stations and add multiple artists, songs, and genres. There’s also an option to tune your station to “hits, discovery, or mix” which is pretty cool. (+1)

Streaming Quality: Apple hasn’t revealed their kilobits per second, but it sounds decent. Purchased tracks from iTunes are 256kbps, so that’s likely their streaming bitrate as well. (+1)

User Interface: UI is user-friendly and pretty, as is Apple’s wont. I also really enjoy the simplicity of the service being integrated into iTunes apps. (+1)

Standout Features: That ability to tune your stations is pretty sweet. You can also add songs to a wishlist and/or buy them directly from iTunes. (+1)

Listening enjoyment: 79% (+1)

Overall Score: 7/8

Google Music Radio --

Availability/Convenience: Available on computer, Android and there are workaround apps for Apple, but no Google Music app proper as of yet. (+.5) 

Price: $10/mo to access the radio feature and Google Music All Access, their on-demand music service.

Library Size: 20 million (+1)

Ability to Customize Stations: You can rename stations only.

Streaming Quality: 320 kbps. (+1)

User Interface: UI is great on Android and computer, but the workaround apps for Apple are clunky and don’t always work. (+.5)

Standout Features: Because Google’s radio service is only available with their subscription service, you have the ability to add songs to your library, skip, replay, and see your future queue. (+1)

Listening enjoyment: 65%

Overall Score: 4/8

WINNER -- iTunes Radio.

FINAL THOUGHTS -- iTunes Radio wins for me because it’s convenient, customizable, and I have several Apple products. It was incredibly liberating to FINALLY give up on Pandora. Their bad bitrates and annoying ads led me to close Pandora’s box, maybe forever. If you’re an Android user who is similarly vexed with Pandora, Spotify Radio is an excellent free alternative. Which radio service to use is highly subjective, so pick your favorite and email me your thoughts at mixtressrae@yahoo.com

My journey with Body-Acceptance.

youtube.com/user/lacigreen.
Watch her videos. They will make you happy.

Worrying about my appearance has been a lifelong struggle for me and everyone reading this, I presume. I'm not going to go too much into how badly our society treats us, because we all know how bad we feel about ourselves. We blame ourselves because we take the seeds planted everywhere outside the body and nurture the growth of self-hatred within it. Yeah, I blame "society" but I want to talk about how I've begun to internalize self-love instead of -loathe. WE make up society, so let's change the attitude of the collective one body-positive soul at a time.

I used to count calories. I used an app and logged every damn thing I ate. Did I lose weight? Maybe at best, I lost 3-5 pounds. Did I learn to hate eating? Yes. Did I avoid eating things so I wouldn't have to log them (how many peanuts is a serving? ah, fuck it. I'll just go take a nap.)? Yes. Was I constantly hungry? Yes. Well, ok, so there would be days that my allotted calorie intake was too high. I'd be full and satisfied but still have 750 calories left and wonder if I was starving myself without knowing it and then eat more than I wanted to eat. Most days I would hit my calorie-quota at like 5pm and be hungry the other 8 hours of my day (My bedtime is 1am.). Hunger causes headaches and crankiness. I was bitchy a lot of the time and for what? A measly couple of pounds? About a month ago I decided to try to count calories again after a hiatus. I did it for less than a week before I decided once and for all that I'm not doing that anymore. Suddenly it seemed so simple. Calorie-counting makes me nuts. It isn't enjoyable. Following numbers on an app instead of listening to my body and how much food it wants on any given day not only didn't work as a weight-loss tool, but made me hate eating. I typically take great joy in eating.

I now suffer from the earth-child belief that if I really listen to when my body wants food and when it's full and when it needs to eliminate waste (I have sphincter-shyness, so I kind of have to remind myself to poop.) I will be happy and healthy and weigh whatever it is I'm "supposed" to weigh. Since adopting this attitude I have been steadily losing a bit of weight. When I feel idle, I take a walk or pop in a bellydance or yoga DVD or Just Dance game. When I'm hungry, I eat, etc. Mindfulness is the key here, I think.

I just finished a three month long challenge a friend on Facebook started. We were all supposed to pick a fitness-related goal to be achieved in the months of July, August, and September. Most people chose a number to subtract from their bodies. I knew from the beginning that if I chose scale-digits, I would be setting myself up for self-loathing and disappointment. I chose to walk 900,000 steps in those three months, the equivalent of walking 10,000 steps/day for all but two days. I figured two days off were pretty reasonable. I've had a Fitbit (pedometer-type activity tracker) since April of last year and only ever really averaged 7-8,000 steps a day. Let me tell you, 10,000 steps a day is a bit of a feat. To get that number, I had to walk 45 minutes - an hour and a half per day. I picked up the habit of walking to work every day. I even started walking home for lunch on days I had an hour lunch. It takes about 15 minutes for me to walk from home to work or vise versa, so on 8-hour workdays I'd walk half my hour lunch break and another half hour total at the beginning and end of my shift. I also walk around at work a bit, though I'm sitting most of the day. These days I'd average about 12,000 steps. On days off if I don't take any walks whatsoever I average about 4,000 steps. On a brisk-paced walk, I get about 1,000 steps per 10 minutes so on days off I have to take at least two half-hour walks in order to get to my goal of 10,000. That's a lot of stats.

So what happened with the three-month goal of 900,000? I made it. I totally achieved that shizz and it was hard! I walk everywhere now. I only use my car now to get to my cleaning job on Thursdays and to run errands or go on road trips. I learned that I can walk to work in the middle of terrible August heat. Sure, I'm a bit sweatier/stinkier at work these days, but if anyone has noticed, they're being too polite to let me know. I learned that I can walk to work in the rain. I suspect that snow and cold won't be a problem either, come winter. I have a coat and boots. The 10,000 steps per day goal is also a number that doesn't always need to be achieved, however. If you're sick, you might want to listen to your body's pleas to sleep and drink OJ. On my cleaning job days I work really hard for 6 hours straight scrubbing and vacuuming and dusting, etc. At the end of 6 hours cleaning I might have only amassed 6,000 steps but I worked my ass off, so I think I can skip the 40 minute walk. Computing fitness can be helpful, but it's no match for listening to YOURSELF.

A big important message that seems so nauseatingly simple that I don't think many of us consciously realize it: OUR BODIES ARE OUR OWN. We can do with them whatever we please, no matter what the people around us tell us, both to our faces and behind our backs. I ultimately decided that walking to work is more important to me than showing up to work sweat-free and squeaky clean. I might be a bit red-faced and sweaty when I get there, but I'm invigorated with exercise and mentally ready for the day. If it feels like a no-bra day, I don't put on a bra. What the worst that could happen? I get cold and someone sees the definition of a nipple? OMG, not like we don't ALL have nipples.

It bears repetition: OUR BODIES BELONG TO US. I have the right to go braless or cultivate pit hair or wear glitter or take a nap at four in the afternoon and so do you. It's not even a matter of listening to our bodies...our bodies are ourselves. We need not fragment the whole of who we are; mind, body, soul. What's the fucking difference? If we listen to ourselves, we know what to do. Eat, sleep, move, nap, intellectualize, create. What do YOU want to do right now?

An' it harm none. Do what thou wilt.

An' it harm none, do as thou wilt.

My favorite tenant in Wicca. I think it's akin to the inherent wisdom of The Golden Rule.

In my baby moleskine on 9/14/13 I wrote the following:

"Figuring out where you fit in a world (any world, be it highschool, marriage, as an art major...) isn't worth the turmoil. Be a world unto yourself."

What I mean by this...

A person can waste a life worrying about what others think and squelching their natural reactions.

Today I tried to stop myself from smelling souvenirs a friend was giving me from Iceland. But, I ALWAYS smell things! That's how I know I like them. If they smell good. It helps me get the full sensory experience. I suppose this is one of the things I'm learning as an Aspergirl...to just let myself have the reactions. I tend to have to get STINKING WASTED DRUNK in order to do some of the things I naturally want to do in life like a/ hug ppl, b/ scream "you're the hotness!" at the top of my lungs, c/ lay in the grass, and d/ prance. I will get upset if I don't remember doing these things when drunk, but I'm not at all surprised. I do those things then because I do what I feel in that state. I really do love my friends and think they're the "hotness" and I want to dance and sing and prance and act like a freaking weirdo, because that's what I fucking am.

Here's a gif of Buffy drinking. I love her post-shot face. It makes me happy:

So my point, and I do have one, is that as long as you're not hurting anyone else by your behavior, please just be yourself. Do your thing and others that are just as whatever-the-fuck-you-are will be attracted to your aura and shit. I swear, I'm only on my second beer as I write this...

Anyway, this is not at all a new sentiment. I'm not saying anything interesting here. I do want you to know that you've got specialness, bitch! Flaunt it.

My "unreasonable" expectations.

I recently learned about this phenomenon called the Bechdel Test for movies. Essentially, it is thus: For a movie to pass the Bechdel Test, it has to a) have two or more NAMED female characters that b) talk to each OTHER c) about a topic other than MEN.

Sounds simple, yeah? NO. It is unfortunately not FUCKING SIMPLE at all. I am angry.

So, after finding out about this thing I decided that I would check on the status of my favorite movies and every potential movie in the theatre I wanted to see. I have, for now, refused to see any movie that doesn't pass. Guess what doesn't pass? "Star Trek" barely has two female characters and they sure as shit don't talk to each other. A movie about the future doesn't include women, apparently. Gene Roddenberry would NOT approve. "World's End" (wtf, Simon Pegg? What the ACTUAL fuck?) has two or more named female characters but all they do is talk about the men. This movie is ostensibly (and I don't know, because I prevented myself from seeing a film that I SHOULD really enjoy) about a bunch of friends drinking and hanging out waiting for the end of the world. God, that sounds like a riot. I want to watch this movie, but it's on the surface a film that doesn't care enough about half the population to have them talking about something other than their male counterparts.

This thing has RUINED TV and movies for me, but it needed to be done, so I hope it ruins it for you too.

After the "World's End" debacle I asked myself if I was being too strict. I decided I was not. In the year 2013 women (again, 50% of the population of Earth? You know, HALF?!?!?) should be respected enough to appear in movies for reasons other than support of men in the form of sexuality and pep talks. I happen to know a lot of women (being that we're HALF the population of Earth) and you know what? We barely ever talk about men, especially for the purposes of trying to figure them out and never, I repeat NEVER, to worship them. There's the occasional, "He's so dreamy" but then we shake the stars out of our eyes and talk about our creative projects and music and pop culture and politics and literature and....

*deep cleansing breath*

When you think about it, this Bechdel Test is a really low expectation. All a movie has to do is have named females talking to each other about something, ANYTHING, but boys. How hard is that? A lot of terrible movies can pass the test. The test was created in the '80s and we still need it. This pisses me off to such a ginormous degree that I can actually feel my heart slamming against my rib cage right now. We deserve better, Simon Pegg. How hard would it have been to include three or four females in your pack of boy BFFs in your damn blockbuster movie?

One ray of hope is Paul Feig, the creator of "Bridesmaids" and "The Heat". "The Heat" is the only movie I've been able (As in wanted to watch and then succeeded in going to watch, time and funds allowing. There are others I have yet to see that pass.) to watch this summer. It is hilarious. See it. Paul has stated he strives to make everything he creates pass the Bechdel Test. Thanks for being on our side, Feig. Thank you so much.

Another pet peeve that's so far in our hypothetical future that it's like four post-Bechdel Tests from now: men in graphic sex scenes are never shown with a hand to the vagina during coitus. Most women need clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm during sex. As in the majority. But the women in movies and TV are shown losing their fucking minds during sex while the dudes are just jackhammering away (I'm talking to you, Bill Compton) without any regard to the nerve-centric pleasure center on the female body. Cliteracy, people!

My favorite movie of all time (as stated in this blog after extensive hours of analysis) is "High Fidelity" and it doesn't pass. There are many named female characters, but the only conversation between two of them occurs at a lunch between the characters of Laura and Liz and they're just talking about Rob the whole time. I had to reorganize my brain to explain away this betrayal by telling myself that they probably talked about several other topics too but because this movie is told from the point of view of Rob, this conversation could have been entirely in his head anyway and he's a selfish character so why would he think they talked about anything BUT him? Check out bechdeltest.com to see if your favorite movies pass.

The Bechdel test can be modified for minorities as well. Are there two or more named (insert minority here) characters? Do they speak to each other? about something other than the main white male characters?

Why the fuck is our society so backwards? We're just now letting same sex people get married but we still act as if women and people of color are second class citizens decades/centuries after legally giving them "equal rights" so how long will gay people still have stigma-status after their rights have been equalized? We're backsliding. I hate us so much right now.

*drops mic*

TV in the kitchen.

I worry about the effects of forever-connectivity on our social culture.

Also, the last few days I've been thinking about how massive smartphones are getting. Like physically massive. They're getting so ridiculously huge that they might as well be called tablets. And what's the difference between a phone and a tablet these days if the size doesn't distinguish? Why do I have a laptop and a tablet and an ereader and an iPod and a phone? If phones keep getting bigger will we eventually reach a point where we just say "fuck it" and just carry our laptops with us everywhere? I mean, we might as well.

I listened to a podcast today that was speaking to this issue and the hosts brought up examples...like, we make reservations for dinner from an app on our phone and then check in on foursquare when we get to the restaurant and then we upload pictures of our food to Instagram when it gets to the table and on and on. Frequently, when out at dinner or a bar or a show all I can see are blue-light tinged faces sucked into their "dream machines" as my mom calls all handheld devices since my GameBoy in the '90s. The boys on the podcast mentioned an article comparing our relatively new smartphone era (the iPhone has only been out 6 years, though it feels longer) to the "TV in the Kitchen" phase when TVs had become such a member of American families that we started letting them interrupt our dinner. But this phase arguably (though I still know people with televisions in their kitchen) didn't last long. One can hope that smartphones will fade into our pockets in a few more years and they won't be the downfall of human interaction like a lot of us are foretelling.

I am so torn on this issue. On the one hand, I'm hopelessly in love with aluminum electronic devices that keep me plugged into the Matrix. But I worry about how fragmented my time has become by checking my phone every five minutes. I used to be very strict about keeping my phone out-of-sight out-of mind in social situations. I still hardly ever take pictures in the presence of others and I never answer my phone when I'm with friends, but so many of my friends just have their phone's screen up-and-at-the-ready on the table and I've started doing it too. But I want to be present. I still will not take my phone out at concerts because the pictures/videos you take will be crappy and distract from your experience in the moment. The lens through which we view the world organically (our eyeballs/brains/etc) is still farrrr superior to the 8MP lens on our phone camera. The sensory world is something I feel I am missing more and more. While I relish the opportunity to plug in and tune out the world sometimes, I'm overusing this tool. For fuck's sake, as I'm writing this blog I'm getting texts that alert me on my phone, my tablet, and my computer simultaneously in case I miss a single emoticon.

Don't even get me started on social media. There's TOO much! Google +, Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, Twitter, Goodreads, Pinterest...ahhhh. They all have their advantages, of course. I go to Facebook to actually get ahold of people I know in my life. I go to Instagram to upload pictures of my animals. I go to tumblr to get validation for being a weirdo. I avoid Twitter and Pinterest and Google+ most of the time....but they're tools too. I'll use them to promote this blog. It's maddening. It would be nice if we were all connected to one conglomerate social media that was infinitely customizable...oh, wait, that's just sitting in front of a person and fucking talking to them. What?

As introverted as I am, I still prefer face-to-face when it comes to my real connections, my top ten friends and family.

All this blathering is to say that I'd like to make some parameters for myself...boundaries between me and my technology. My first move was to delete all but Tumblr, Facebook, and Instagram from my social media folder in my phone. Next, I think it would behoove me to unfollow a chunk of people on my Instagram and Tumblr to remove the temptation to get sucked into those worlds. I tend to scroll through those sites until I'm updated on EVERYTHING, which has got to be the mark of insanity. I get up every morning two hours before work in order to play with my tablet while drinking my coffee. True, I got up that early before the smartphone era, but then I was READING and/or WRITING.

And how much do you hate Facebook these days? It's gotten to the point that people seem to think just because you're friends on Facebook that you have seen and memorized all the details of their lives and the lives of our mutual friends. It often seems that people are continuing a conversation with me in person that started with a pictures of someone's granddaughter online assuming I have seen every single update on Facebook. Or that I want to see every single update on Facebook. And how weird is it when someone from high school you haven't seen SINCE high school runs into you at Target and already knows everything that's going on with you because you posted it on Facebook and forgot to make your post "friends only"? Social media is this weird privacy invasion we all signed up for!

Just in the time it's taken me to write this blog I've gotten an email and a dozen or so text messages. Maybe I should turn the alerts off on my phone too. This world of immediacy is driving me bonkers. I feel like I don't hone in on a task anymore...the distractions are constant. I feel like I'm about to have some sort of meltdown and go back to my pink Razr, sell my tablet, and just log onto the internet for an hour at the end of the day like I did back in high school. I had a social life back then. And I got lots of exercise too. Damn screens are ruining my life!! I don't really mean that. I love you, screens. Don't ever leave me.

Top 5 Buffy Significant Others.

Y'all know I have a RELATIONSHIP with Buffy the Vampire Slayer. What you may not have known is that upon each re-watch I fall more in love with a different character I may have overlooked before.

I give you my current top 5 characters in Buffy I would so totally date if they were real and I weren't happily married to a man who embodies qualities of all 5 (yes, even the Honorable Mention, Michael. Embrace the similarities!). Oh, um *spoilers* ahead, if you care about that kind of thing.

#5 -- Giles.

Admittedly, though I do at times find him sexy as hell, what I really want from Giles is for him to be to me what he is to Buffy. He gets to be on the list because a) the older I get the more attractive I find him and b) if I were Giles' age and lived in the Buffyverse, I'd totally ask him out. Back to wanting him to be my dad though (ok, that sounded gross. Someone that isn't your dad you can find attractive AND want him to be your dad, right?)...

Giles is smart, protective, witty, goofy, and wise. My whole life I've chosen men in pop culture to be the "dad I never had" (It's a whole thing, but my dad and I were at odds most of my childhood. He wasn't really a "dad" so much as an adult who yelled at me every other weekend. We made up before his death in 2011, but our relationship was never easy.) in my mind, and Giles is really the most satisfying example of a father figure in pop culture. Though he did betray Buffy that one time (he tried to help Wood kill Spike in season 7), he was otherwise consistently supportive of Buffy without coddling her or sugar-coating life. He was willing to say and do the hard things (confronting Willow after bringing B back from the dead, killing Ben when Buffy couldn't, etc) while still being unquestioningly there for Buffy (When her mom dies, that moment when he immediately belays his reaction to comfort Buffy within an INSTANT of realizing what has happened just KILLS me.). If all dads could be like Giles, Cliff Huxtable, and Red from That '70s Show we'd all turn out just FINE, thank you.

#4 -- Spike.

Spike used to be my #1 Blondie Bear, but upon recent re-watchings I've realized how manipulative and terrible he was to Buffy when they were boinking in season 6. As SOON as he finally "got bouncy" with her, he got cocky and started saying controlling boyfriend-type things to her to get her to keep coming back to him. It was really gross. And I still haven't forgiven him this last time around for attempting to rape Buffy. That was a genuinely terrible moment. I kind of glazed over it like it wasn't "no thang" when it first aired (2002), which just tells you how abusive my relationship was at the time. Spike was a fluffy puppy in comparison. Anyway, he is #4 on my list because of his complete loyalty to the woman he loves. It's blind and retarded loyalty (he was willing to kill Drusilla to "prove his love" to Buffy!), but if that loyalty is directed at you, you've gotta respect that. The way he looks at Buffy when he's in love with her and having empathy for her is enough to put him in this list. That look he gets when he's awkwardly trying to comfort Buffy slays me. Even before he got his soul back, he had genuine love for Buffy and Drusilla. He would literally die for Buffy or Drusilla. He treated Harmony like shit though, so I don't know. Spike has the most interesting character arc of any male character on Buffy, and I really genuinely like him, but he would be an unhealthy boyfriend to have. Probably a good lay, however.

#3 -- Tara.

Tara is the perfect girlfriend. She's sweet and loyal and beautiful and awkward and nerdy and smart and empathetic and a good witch. She's just perfection. She has the coolest bedroom ever in the history of television (black walls, crystals, white Xmas lights, candles, jewel tones, etc). She doesn't put up with Willow's shit and she has integrity coming out her ears. There is literally nothing wrong with Tara. I wish Tara had gotten more development on the show, but since she wasn't a main character or a bf of Buffy, she was often too much in the background. She deserves her own comic or something. Origins of Tara? That would be awesome. Anyway, her place on the list starts the practical S.O.s. From here to #1 on my list, these are the relationships that could be forever-material as actual loyal, realistic, fully-actualized relationships to have.

Look, I refrained from posting that topless pic of Nicholas Brendon!

#2 -- Xander.

Xander is loyal, pretty (just look at those eyebrows!), and genuinely good. His character probably changes the least of anyone on the show. He starts off dweeby, cute, and sweet and he stays that way. Extra points for becoming a carpenter! His attraction to weird girls, demons, and tactless-truth-saying females is probably his most endearing quality. He also has mad empathy and delivers the most heartwarming speeches of anyone on the show. Why can't Willow magic him a freaking eyeball?!?! Grrr. He still has the patch in the comics! His refusal to like any vampires ever, even if they have earned redemption-status, is a little annoying, but I forgive him because he's just such a stand-up guy in every other respect. He's a lot like my pretty Mike, too.

I like pictures of pretty people
standing in trees, apparently.

#1 -- Oz.

Pale. Black fingernails. Ever-changing hair color, while being a ginger in his natural state (rawr). Smart. Loyal. Likes weird girls. Taciturn. Philosophical. He's just as perfect as Tara, really. I don't think I was ever mad at Oz, until he left Sunnydale. He needed to go, though. I understand that. I don't know how I could have chosen between Tara and Oz when he comes back after Willow is already beginning a relationship with Tara. Willow gets to have the most perfect boyfriend ever AND the most perfect girlfriend ever in the space of a year. Bitch! Seriously though, Oz makes my heart melt and he is absolutely the boy I'd pursue if I were Willow, and often when I dream about the Buffyverse, Willow is the character I embody. The only thing that could make Oz cooler would be if he could control himself when he was in wolf form, so he could be an asset in a fight and maybe be cuddled as a wolf. That could be cool, but that would require a totally different mythology of werewolves than exists in the Buffyverse. In my mind, he's that kind of werewolf, though. And he has Buddy Holly glasses. Ok, NOW Oz is perfect.

A velvet shirt AND a tree in this one. Ooh!

*Honorable Mention -- Angel.

Initially, Angel was a character I truly didn't give a fuck about. The more I rewatch both Buffy and Angel the more I like Angel. He likes to sit around in the dark and read all broody-like. I can respect that. He can be really funny and he's a good guy as long as he hasn't lost his soul or anything. The way he tirelessly seeks atonement for his evils as a vampire is pretty endearing to me, as well. I do love an angsty boy! I used to not find him attractive at all, but he's grown on me in the last 5 years or so. I absolutely love it when he and Spike bicker. Cutest. I also enjoy all the opportunities the writers of Buffy took in getting any male character topless whenever they could, though I wish Spike and Angel hadn't been intentionally hairless. Let that chest hair grow wild, boys! Angel does look good in velvet, I must say.


Thus concludes my list of Buffy relationships. Here's a couple of other pictures I found that are pretty hilarious:

This looks like if Willow, Xander, and Buffy had been a cool '90s electronic band. Awesome!!

top five playlists/radio stations on the internet.

I enjoy calling myself a writer, laughable as that assertion seems on any given day in which I binge-watch The Office, read trashy horror novels, or do anything but put pen to paper or fingers to keys. When I finally get beyond the distractions, in order to really knuckle down on a writing sesh, I need music, naturally. 

These are the top five playlists/internet radio stations I listen to while working:

Drone Zone --

somaFM’s description: Served best chilled, safe with most medications. Atmospheric textures with minimal beats.

my recommended usage: I’ve mentioned this station before. It is heaven if you like very minimal ambience in your background work music. You could also take a bath while listening, or fall asleep, not at the same time! Emphasis on the word minimal. 

find it: somafm.com/dronezone 

-or-

find the soma fm app on your smahhht phone

Psybient --

Songza’s description: Also referred to as psychill, psybient is a genre of electronic music heavily influenced by world music and psychedelic sounds. Wherever you are, these songs will take you somewhere else.

my recommended usage: This playlist reminds me of the cheesy psychedelic weirdness my dad used to make on his synthesizers. It provides a general background hum of electronic soundscapes. Good for scifi/fantasy writing or just zoning out, man.

find it: songza.com/listen/psybient-songza 

-or-

seriously you guys, I have told you about Songza multiple times now. You NEED this app if you don’t already have it. Don’t argue with me. You will love it more than all your other music apps. You don’t have to be obsessed with electronic music like me. It has every genre, it’s free, and the ads are visual instead of aural. Songza is perfection. Don’t make me tell you again.

“no one receiving” --

This is my personal Pandora station based on Brian Eno’s song of the same name.

my recommended usage: Brian Eno is like THE pioneer of ambient electronic music. If you require a background hum that’s a little less drone than “Drone Zone”, look no further than basing your own Pandora station on this or any of your favorite ambient tunes.

find it: DIY or listen to my specifics here: no one receiving.

Witchy Thug Grrrl Pop --

Songza’s description: Spooky female vocals over southern-rap-influenced electronic music distinguish this playlist, with plenty of noise-pop, chiptune, and hip hop mixed in for good measure. It’s purple lipstick music to read Jezebel to.

my recommended usage: I’ve been listening to this playlist a lot while writing for Camp NaNoWriMo (July is a National Novel Writing Month and I’m getting my word count up on my novel--shut up.). It can get a bit distracting, because the beats are intense and scary at times, but that’s the sort of bone-jangle I like accompanying my creativity. Not for the faint of heart, but if you like Santigold mixing with your Grimes and Crystal Castles, you can handle it.

find it: songza.com/listen/witchy-thug-grrrl-pop-songza 

-or-

*ahem* that app you were supposed to download like five minutes (or months) ago. Oh, and if you don’t know what Jezebel is, it’s this rawkin’ feminist blog. Check that out too.

Slow Motion Disco --

Songza’s description: Inspired by pioneering DJs, leftfield disco, and the spacier side of synth-driven music, modern-day disco producers slow down the BPMs and explore hypnotic, psychedelic moods that move both the mind and the body.

my recommended usage: I use this playlist during my celebratory struts around the neighborhood with my husky and/or shepherd after I’ve successfully written something for a specified block of time. The vibe has the perfect walking rhythm to it in the way that “Stayin’ Alive” does, but the music is nothing like that. It’s spacier and more inspired. The songs are long without being boring, allowing you to get lost in a sweaty summer walkabout, after your work is done, of course.

find it: songza.com/listen/slow-motion-disco

-or-

say it with me: get the damn app and experience a heightened-to-the-divine music app love. 

tell me how much you love Songza here: mixtressrae@yahoo.com

Walking with Headphones: a Guide.

The short version involves donning headphones, then putting one foot in front of the other. Happy July everyone! Ok, I’ll be serious...

As summer starts to scorch, wandering Joplin’s avenues in a sundress with some hazy drawling tunes in your ears is becoming a more and more appealing and worthwhile activity. There are many benefits to walking while wearing headphones. Slowing to a walking human’s pace (as opposed to viewing the world through 45mph-speeds in your car) concurrently slows your brainwaves to a similar pace. Suddenly you begin to know the cracks in the sidewalk, which houses have the best wildflowers, and which empty lots have the biggest variety of weeds you need to ask Jill later if you can eat. And the graffiti! In a car, you’re likely to miss all the cool “You Are Beautiful”-type graffiti on dumpsters and the spray-painted stencils behind stop signs. In my experiences, headphones make you more likely to zen-walk, taking the element of startling sounds out of your outdoor stroll. With only the sound of Goldfrapp to guide you on a midsummer night’s walk, you may find yourself prancing with your hands raking through vines and tree branches, leaping over concrete parking thingies and twirling around street poles. What if you tuck a single lavender flower behind your ear and grin like you haven’t grinned since you were 8? It can happen and I can show you how.

MixtressRae’s guide to walking with headphones with wild abandon and child-like joy:

*First rule of walking with headphones is a reminder that needs to be shouted from the rooftops. You don’t owe your attention to anyone. Let me type that again: you don’t owe anyone your attention. You don’t have to talk to the skeezy dudes on the street that drunkenly offer you a ride, and with headphones, you can more convincingly pretend you don’t hear them. For that matter, with your tunes at proper volumes and/or sufficient noise cancellation, you don’t have to hear others at all. I have a couple of decades of experience wandering these streets at all times of day and in all kinds of weather. I’ve been victim to catcalls (by catcalls, I mean anyone yelling anything lewd, insulting, or generally abusive at you as you try to just take a freaking walk!), porch hollers, and the creepy slow-down (when a car stuffed with guys slows to your pace beside you while spewing lewdness in your general direction). It’s yucky, but if you stomp your confidence into the asphalt while fervently ignoring the offending individuals, you’ll intimidate the little weasels. They’ll slink away with their tails between their legs. As with most vermin (and if you catcall people on the street, you ARE vermin), they’re more scared of you than you are of them. Don’t let anyone stop you from walking with headphones. It is your AMERICAN right!

*Second rule of walking with headphones is a continuation of rule one; pretend no one is watching you (and honestly, they aren’t). Stop and smell a flower. Stop (not in the street!) and change your Pandora station. Dance-walk. Dancing while walking is one of the most glorious joys in our world and it’s free and available no matter where you are. You must dance in this life. If your first reaction to this rule includes protestations of “looking silly” or some other such nonsense, just imagine how you would feel if you saw someone dancing on the street or in their cars. You’d think, “Man, I wish I had the guts to enjoy myself that much.” Well, I’m here to remind you that you, yes YOU, have the capacity for great freedom and glee. This glee only needs to be unleashed...with DANCE! In this life, we’re all too wrapped up in our own brains to notice others, so why worry what you look like?

*Last rule of walking with headphones may at first seem like a contradiction to the first two; hyper-visual-vigilance. Not having your ears to alert you to possible danger means needing to be aware of your surroundings with your eyeballs. This is not contrary to dancing and ignoring vermin, as it is actually a big part of the zen experience. These rules are meant to make anxiety melt away and turn the focus inward. Looking at the world around you at 3mph with the soundtrack of your choice is a gigantic part of the fun of walking with headphones. I don’t really need to tell you to look both ways at intersections, right?

Now that you have the attitude and the attention (and a pair of headphones, I trust), go out and walk before it gets August-hot and all you want to do is hide underground until October.

Music to listen to on a summer walk with headphones:

She & Him // (any of their albums, except the Christmas one)

Goldfrapp // Seventh Tree

Queens of the Stone Age // (any of their albums)

Lana Del Rey // Born to Die

Aesop Rock // Fast Cars, Danger, Fire, and Knives