Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Restless.

episode 78.
airdate: 23 May 2000.

In the month of April I will be FINISHING this Buffy project. I'm doing April's Camp NaNoWriMo and that's my goal. So there's my public announcement so that I will stick to it, damnit! Ok, here we go with the last episode of season 4 so that I can watch/blog seasons 5, 6, AND 7 in the next 30 days. Woo!

Riley is going away for the episode and they're all at Joyce's house. They're all cuddling in to watch videos and they fall asleep before the FBI warning is over.

We enter Willow's dreams. Tara is there and Willow is painting a spell on her back. Tara is telling her she doesn't know everything about her and that "they'll find out" about Willow. Willow looks out the window at a desert, then suddenly she's in school and Oz and Xander are there. They might be in the high school. Harmony is suddenly there and Willow is about to star in a play. Joss really makes it feel like a dream. Nothing makes sense and the transition between settings is exactly how it is in dreams (like walking into a completely different world like walking into another room or just appearing elsewhere with no transition whatsoever). The threads that hold everyone's dreams together are an elusive yet pursuing tribal chick and a weird dude that's obsessed with cheese. Suddenly Willow is in the outfit she was wearing in episode one after Buffy rips off her "costume" (the way she dresses now). The pursuing tribal chick catches up to her and suffocates her.

Now Xander's dream shows him watching "Apocalypse Now" with everyone. Joyce attempts to seduce him. Xander's dream reminds me the most of my dreams because when he opens the door of Joyce's bathroom he ends up in his basement and then he's in a playground with Giles and Spike swinging on a set. Anya finds she can steer by "gesturing emphatically" in the ice cream truck. I think about that all the time. Xander keeps ending up back in the basement. Then he ends up in the school and Giles tries to tell him how to solve the situation, but everyone starts talking in French...bad dubbed French. Then he's in "Apocalypse Now". Principal Snyder is there. Even in their dreams though, they're all connected and they're figuring out how to fight it as the "creature" pursues them in each of their dreams. Perhaps this is because they're still connected via the conjoining spell they used to defeat Adam. In the end of Xander's dream his dad is yelling at him from upstairs. "That's not the way out." The tribal chick rips out his heart.

Now we're in Giles' dream. Olivia is with he and Buffy in a carnival and Buffy is acting like a 5-yr old. Spike is posing for a photo shoot in his crypt. Olivia is pregnant and crying. Everyone is doing research in the Bronze. The dreams are sequential, so Willow and Xander are still dying: "sucking chest wound here". Everyone is looking to Giles for help, so he sings about it. So cute. He does figure it out, too, mostly. "I know who you are and I can defeat you..." She still scalps him as he says, "you never had a Watcher." So we know she was a Slayer.

And she's killing them in the ways they were contributing to the conjoining spell. Willow was Spirit, so that's why she's being suffocated. Xander is Heart, and now he doesn't have one. And Giles is brain, but she cut it out. She's taking away the things they brought to the union.

Now for Buffy's dream. She's in her childhood bedroom with Tara staring at her unmade bed. "Didn't Faith and I just make this bed?" Tara says, "You think you know what's to come. What you are. You haven't even begun." after showing her the "Manus" tarot card. She is Hands and Feet in the spell. Suddenly the bed is made. Buffy knows she needs to find them. As she leaves the room Tara says, "Be back before Dawn." Joyce is living in the walls of the school. This reminds me of a dream I have had too. She sees Riley and he's talking about world domination ("filing things, giving things names") with Adam as a human. Buffy washes her face with clay. She also had clay on her face in Giles' dream. Riley keeps calling her a "killer". Buffy is in the desert and the Israeli music is really peaceful and pretty. Tara speaks for the primal Slayer. The First Slayer. She tells her she's supposed to be alone. I'm not sure if the First Slayer is trying to kill Buffy necessarily, or just her friends...oh, wait, now she's stabbing her. Buffy tells her she's ignoring her until she goes away, then they all wake up. How cool is that?

They all talk about what happened: "the spirit of the first Slayer tried to kill us all in our dreams". Joyce says, "Oh, you guys want hot chocolate?"

COMMENTARY: I'm going to watch the commentary now because that is a DAMN good episode.

Willow's dream: Turns out what Willow was writing on Tara's back was a love poem by Sappho. When Willow finds Tara in between the red curtains that's a vaginal reference. Totally should have gotten that!

Xander's dream: All roads lead to his basement because of the sense of failure/something dangerous there. Joss is talking about the images having resonance by themselves. That is the coolest part of this episode. There's so much space with the music and the long shots/images. Xander talking about being a conquistador/comfortador...Joss talks about this being because Xander needs comfort/love in a way that he never got growing up. He also talks about when everyone is speaking French this is because he feels stuck while everyone else is moving on with their lives. Whoa. That's cool. Didn't get that either. I'm so slow.

Giles' dream: Giles can't decide if he wants to have his own life or be a mentor. Does he want to be a rock star or a Watcher?

Buffy's dream: Tara is her spirit guide. Riley can't handle when Buffy becomes primal (when she puts the mud on her face). Buffy defies the notion of climax and defies the notion of the tragic tale of the Slayer. When you stop taking a dream seriously, you wake up.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Primeval.

Episode 77.
airdate: 16 May 2000.

Buffy can't find Riley because he's with Adam. Adam explains to Riley that he has a chip too and Adam has activated it. He seems to be relatively under Adam's physical control. He speaks when Adam tells him to speak and sits when Adam tells him to sit. I'm trying not to dislike Riley this time, I really am, and it's (mostly) working, but he is SUCH the mindless tool sometimes, man. Adam is telling Riley they're "brothers" and stuff. Giles is hungover. Willow goes to get her laptop at his place and it's all awkward. Buffy is home alone. She feels isolated from her BFFs and picks up the phone, but doesn't call anyone. Instead she starts packing weapons. Xander is moping in bed. Anya comforts him in the blunt tactless way she knows how.

Buffy is caving-it, alone, in search of Adam. She finds his lair. He's not there. He's in the Initiative with Riley. Walsh is a reanimated corpse. So is that other authority/scientist-dude that was close with Walsh. And Forrest is reanimated too, only he has verbal skills, unlike the other two. Buffy finds Spike in Adam's lair. I should start calling my house my lair. Sounds so cool. Forrest is talking about how being a modified corpse is the best thing that ever happened to him. Walsh injects Riley with something. It's all very cryptic. Everyone (Xander, Willow, Buffy, and Giles) meets on campus: neutral territory. It comes out that Spike is the one that told them all the stuff. "Well, piffle, let's all move on" says Giles, and they agree, but they're still fractured. Buffy realizes the whole plan of the Initiative/Adam, somehow.

Spike is still whining about the chip, but Adam's still stalling. The Feisty Four are back at Giles' trying to find a way to defeat Adam.

"So, all we need is combo-Buffy. Her, with Slayer-strength, Giles' multilingual-know-how and Willow's witchy power." says Xander. And that's the ticket! Xander saves the day, again! They're going to do an "adjoining spell". They infiltrate the Initiative by repelling, since they can't use the elevators anymore without Buffy's retinal passwords and shit. Gives Willow and Buffy time to talk things out. They make up. Then there's a suuuuuuuuuper cute hug with Buffy, Willow, and Xander. Spike is whining about the chip again. Adam isn't going to follow through after all, so Spike tries to run. Forrest tries to kill him. Buffy is trying to tell the Initiative authorities what's up, but they're being all territorial and dumb and they try to hold Buffy/Willow/Xander/Giles hostage, but Buffy kicks their asses instead. All locks in the Initiative have been disengaged by Adam, except the exits. "Demon open house" as Xander observes. They have to fight their way to a quiet place for Xander/Giles/Willow to do their spell and Buffy to get to Adam. The zombies attack Buffy as she realizes Riley is under their control. Riley is visibly trying to help Buffy. He eventually cuts the chip out of his shoulder. Fighting fighting fighting. Riley is helping Buffy after removing the chip. He kills the zombies as Buffy escapes to find Adam.

Buffy and Adam fight. Adam has an assault rifle arm. The spell takes effect. Buffy gets all yellow-eyed and awesome. Gives me chills. Buffy is all-Neo-ing it up now. It's soooooo freaking awesome! She bicycle kicks Adam and rips out his heart as her eyes turn red. "You cannot even begin to grasp the source of our power." So freaking rad, man! Spike is killing demons. Everyone is exhausted. Man, that was cool. You have to watch it. The symbolism of Buffy only being able to defeat Adam through the literal combination of her with her friends is just freakin' precious, as per usual.

Commentary (by David Fury and James Contner) notes added 5.12.13: So far just explaining major plot points, but this is the culmination of the season (for all intents and purposes, though "Restless" is the actual last episode of the season), so I will stick out the commentary for at least half the episode, but if they remain boring, I will cut them loose because my time is too valuable. That's a joke; my time being valuable, not that I'll skip out on this commentary if it bores me. I'll give it twelve minutes...they're still just explaining the plot and minor details of shooting. 30 seconds...will you interest me, David and James? Nope.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Yoko Factor.

Episode 76.
airdate: 9 May 2000.

Last three episodes of the season. Let's do this, kids!

Spike and Adam are still ally-ing. Spike is trying to convey to Adam that Buffy is seriously efficient at eliminating "big bad"s. Adam decides that if Spike helps dislocate Buffy's friends from her, he can more effectively eliminate her. So, Spike is the Yoko Factor. And he's good at it too.

Apparently, B is in L.A. visiting Angel for some reason. I think it has something to do with Faith. Giles is singing "Freebird". Hot. Spike shows up. He knows where "files" are in the Initiative. He nurtures a bit of animosity between Giles and Buffy with subtle wordplay. Tells him she treats Giles "like a retired librarian". Giles is boozing it up as Spike tells him this. Riley goes to see Buffy. She looks exhausted. She's back from L.A. too, btw, and keeping secrets. It's officially her thing now, and forevermore. Spike makes up some stuff about Xander joining the Army and the others talking about it, in order to get him to think they're talking about him behind his back. The way he does it is so crafty, too. I would believe him. Buffy and Riley's former BFF are both investigating a cave and fighting when they run into Adam. Buffy tries to get Riley-BFF to leave, but he doesn't and he gets skewered, of course.

Giles is still drinking. Spike is doing his Yoko mojo with Tara and Willow. Macbooks used to look so silly with the upside-down apple. Angel is in town. He runs into Riley. Jealousy crap. Fighting ensues. Buffy comes home after her fight with Adam and she's wounded. Angel goes to see her. Riley shows up moments later and more jealousy follows. Riley acts all protective. Angel is sweet, and jealous, which is impossibly sweet. "Oh, and Riley? I don't like him." Then he leaves.

Then Buffy says something a lot of people should say when there's jealousy involved: "Have I ever given you any reason not to trust me?" Riley says, "no". She replies, "Then why with the crazy?" She tells Riley that Forrest (Riley-BFF's NAME!) is dead. Everyone is together at Giles'. They start fighting a bunch after all the resentment Spike nurtured that has been growing all season. I love Giles' apartment. It's so cozy and studious. That's (almost) exactly how I would live if I was Giles. And of course I secretly wish to be Giles. Tara and Anya hide in the bathroom while everyone is fighting. Buffy yells and then she says mean, hurtful things and then storms out.

The last shot is Riley showing up in Adam's cave. Adam tells him he's been waiting for him.

To be continued...

I am an Aspergirl, Part Three.

What I meant yesterday when I said I don't understand how career, marriage, children is ever a fulfilling life, what I meant was: For me, I don't get that these are goals. I mean, I get how a career is a goal, but I don't get how children and marriage are goals. I never dreamed of my wedding until I was engaged. I couldn't imagine children as a goal unless I was already with my lifepartner and making the decision then. I guess what I mean is that these aren't givens to me like they seem to be for NTs (neurotypical people). I didn't want to belittle someone who has the wife/kid/career thing and loves it. I love my husband and I love my furbabies (two dogs, a cat and a ferret) and I love maintaining a home. But I didn't have husband as goal before the one that became mine was around for YEARS. And I realize this is different  than the way most people feel.

Also, I looked up stuff on schizotypal personality disorder today. It seems like it shares a lot of traits/aspects with Asperger's. Both are eccentric personalities. Schizophrenia is a continuum like everything else and apparently it goes:
*mild schizo = schizoid
*moderate schizo = schizotypal
*severe schizo = schizophrenia

Some things that don't fit (for me) about schizotypal are: onset in adulthood (I'm pretty sure anyone that's ever known me can attest that I've always been weird), magical thinking (I like fantasy worlds, but I don't believe in magical things or have superstitious behavior, unless I'm very distressed and even then I know I'm doing it just to make myself feel better, not as a result of a belief), and I don't think everything in the world is about me (I think they call that delusional ideation or something like that) and I don't think I have wrong perceptions. I do have odd thinking and eccentric appearance and rituals and I am a loner, but I'm pretty sure my ideations are pretty sane...just weird.

Anyway, it doesn't ultimately matter what I'm labeled. I don't care what it's called, only that I can use a word to better understand myself and accept where I am more readily. I don't think disorders are detriments. I think awareness/acceptance of ALL people should be more widespread. If I can throw the word Asperger at someone and they all of a sudden GET something about me, I want to be able to use that resource, for the same reason that I announced my engagement on Facebook. Because I like shorthand. Because I've always had trouble explaining myself and any vocabulary I can use to "compulsively disclose information", I fucking will!

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: New Moon Rising.

Episode 75.
airdate: 2 May 2000.

Tara and Willow holding hands. Oz shows up out of the blue. He's only really been gone six months. Riley is close-minded about Willow dating a werewolf. "I never knew you were such a bigot!" Oz can now control when he's a wolf through meditation or something, 'cause it's a full moon and he's still Oz. He wants Willow back. It would be really hard to choose between Oz and Tara. I heart Oz so much, but Tara is such a sweety-pie. I like Willow and Tara together better. I'd like to keep Oz for myself and while we're living in an alternate universe I'd like Tara to not get shot in season six by Warren and her and Willow to be together forever.

Willow tells Buffy about Tara and Buffy reacts well. Willow doesn't know what she wants to do. She goes to see Tara after talking with Oz all night and tells her she doesn't know what to do and then Oz runs into Tara later and "smells" Willow on her. He turns into the wolf when he realizes Tara is a "threat" to him. The Initiative dudes tranquilize him and take him away to a cage in the Initiative. Riley almost kills wolf-Oz when he turns back into Oz. Adam's been talking to Spike. Promises him he'll get his chip out if he helps him with something or other. Help him kill Buffy probably...I wasn't paying attention to the specifics.

Poor Oz is naked and alone. Riley tries to get him out, but they stop him and lock him up too. Why the hell is he still hanging out with those dingbats? Some high-ranking officer says mean stuff about Buffy and basically gives him the choice to help them take her down and then his "good name" will be restored. He calls them "the Slayer and her band of freaks" and "anarchists". The freaks go to infiltrate the Initiative while Giles and Anya do some computer hacking from Giles' house. They realize when they get there they have to save Riley AND Oz. Riley says "If I leave now I can't ever come back." Buffy stares at him. "I just wanted to hear it out loud." So, finally, he's done with the dingbats! Woo hoo! This somehow means Riley and Buffy have to stay in the burned out high school. Buffy finally tells Riley about her past with Angel.

Willow and Oz need to talk now. He missed his chance. She tells him some part of her will always be waiting for him. Closure. She goes to Tara and there's suggested makeout, but you don't get to see it because it's the year 2000 and girls can't kiss onscreen yet. They won't get to until Joyce dies in season 5.

I am an Aspergirl, Part 2.

aka Seeking Diagnosis, part one.

Went to therapy today for the first time this year with the primary goal of validation for my recent self-diagnosis of Asperger's.

Therapist said, "That could fit, but I would assume more Schizoid or Schizotypal." I don't yet know the specifics of either of those, but I do know they're acquired in adulthood and I have always been the way I am now. I think. I feel like the same person I was in high school except that I am more critical of myself now, and less social. I used to talk on the phone. I used to hang out with people. But I could relate to my peers back when we were all weirdos. Now people my age are mostly normal/neurotypical and I'm still the same. "Eccentric". And I'm learning to tolerate the non-eccentricities of others. I used to think every "normal" person was stifling their personalities in order to fit into society, but I'm starting to realize that maybe they're not. Maybe just because you used to have purple hair and now you wear khakis doesn't mean you've "sold out". You "grew up". I didn't and I probably never will. I will still wear the trenchcoat and dye my hair purple. I don't know. I still don't understand how being married with children and a socially acceptable career can be a fulfilling life to anyone. I don't expect people to be like me, but I've always expected people to be unique. I am innately distrustful of "normalcy". I've always thought it was a front, even while knowing I'm NOT normal. I've always HATED it when people tell me I'm different or eccentric because they generally spit the distinction at me as if its a choice. As if I'm trying to get attention. It's not as if I don't know I'm different and eccentric. It's like telling someone that's 6'5" they're tall. Really, Captain Obvious?! So what I'm saying I hate is when people spit it at me, not when they say it with understanding...

There are so many things you can be. Among the things I am: feminist, atheist, Libra, INTJ, bisexual, Color Code: White with secondary Red, goth, hippie, possibly Aspergian....and on and on and on. There's always a continuum and a place we all fit within it. And it means whatever you want it to mean. But I want the clinical diagnosis. I really do. I don't care WHAT that clinical diagnosis is...but I want a signifier, desperately. Why?

I took their "pervasive developmental disorder scale" thing. We'll see in three weeks when I can afford to go again what the next step is...I really do think it's Asperger's.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Where the Wild Things Are.

episode 74.
airdate: 25 Apr 2000.

I know. I do NOT want to see a closeup of Riley and Buffy kissing either, but that's pretty much the entire episode. They do it, a LOT. Buffy is making up for lost time not being able to ever do it with Angel by doin' it like wayyyy too much with Riley. Doin' it so much that repressed children poltergeists in the walls of the frat house where Riley lives awaken and start making things all funky until a "red shoes"-thing (you know, you put on the red shoes so you can dance and then the red shoes make you dance forever, until you die from all the dancin') happens where they're stuck in a black hole of endless doin' it. So creepy. I don't really like this episode, but let's get it over with...

First sighting of Xander in his ice cream truck. Precious. I really don't know what to say about this episode. I guess I'm only 12 minutes in, so I should keep an open mind. First time of Anya and Spike drinking together; also...precious. Anya is lamenting the fact that her and Xander didn't have sex one night? And Spike is lamenting no longer being evil. There's a wall in the frat house that gives orgasms during a party.

Willow's good clothing time is over. She's wearing an oversized jacket with holly embroidered on the collar. Ew. Xander and Anya break up after having their first fight. Anya is overreacting because she's never been in a relationship before. Tara freaks out when Willow touches her on the knee. Some chick named Julie attacks Xander with her mouth and then runs away to the bathroom crying, "I'm bad. I'm bad." over and over while cutting her hair. Willow sees a ghost in another bathroom. They all decide to get Buffy, but her and Riley can't hear them and vines grow out of the door. They're in their doin' it loop. There's an earthquake. It's so relentless that they all have to leave with Buffy and Riley still trapped inside.

They go get Giles and he's singing at an open mic. Anya and Willow think it's sexy and Xander is horrified. They do research and go visit the warden of the children's home that the house used to be. She says all kinds of creepy stuff about helping the dirty kids get into the "kingdom of heaven". Giles points his finger at her and tells her whats what.

Xander sums it all up with three words:"big burstin' poltergasm."

Tara, Willow, and Giles do a spell while Anya and Xander hack down the vines overtaking the house. Xander almost drowns in the bathtub, but Anya saves him. The spell goes awry. Turns out the only thing that had to be done was for someone to interrupt them, which Anya and Xander do.

I am an Aspergirl.

I've been holding off on this post because I've wanted to make it super intelligent and though-out and like an Aspergirl manifesta, but I'm just sick of waiting to form intelligent thought, perhaps it will come out naturally Grimes-Tumblr-style. It could happen.

So, a couple of weeks ago I took the Autism Quotient and scored a 35. A score of 32 and above most likely means you're on the Spectrum. The spectrum of Autism. As I scored in the lower area of Autism, that probably means Asperger's. I haven't sought a formal diagnosis (which I'm planning to talk to my therapist about that at my next appointment) yet, but this label is fitting me so comfortably, so perfectly, that I think a lack of formal diagnosis would piss me off. Because I SO am an Aspergirl.
Let's just get the definitions out of the way first...
Mayo Clinic defines Asperger's Syndrome as: a developmental disorder that affects a person's ability to socialize and communicate effectively with others. Children with Asperger's syndrome typically exhibit social awkwardness and an all-absorbing interest in specific topics.

Doctors group Asperger's syndrome with other conditions that are called autistic spectrum disorders or pervasive developmental disorders. These disorders all involve problems with social skills and communication. Asperger's syndrome is generally thought to be at the milder end of this spectrum.

While there's no cure for Asperger's syndrome, if your child has the condition treatment can help him or her learn how to interact more successfully in social situations.

Some of the symptoms (what I'd rather refer to as traits) that I exhibit include:

• lack of eye contact and awkward body postures/positions
• not understanding sarcasm: I never have. The first time my mom did it and explained the concept to me as a child I said, "I don't like that. Don't do that ever again."
• poor coordination
• mutism: being unable to speak in certain situations. For me, this is usually exhibited in one-on-one situations, especially if someone is asking me about myself.
• can engage in monotonous tasks for hours on end: my favorite job ever was being a library page (shelving/checking in books). I love engaging in activities that occupy a background-space of my mind/body so that I can think about other things. My Valium is monotonous physical movement. If I'm sorting/shelving books, I'm calm. If I'm walking, I'm calm. If I'm dancing, I'm calm. If I'm typing, I'm probably ok too. This also goes along with stims (self-stimulating behaviors, like rocking, feet-shaking, weird, repetitive movements). I also can calm myself by touching certain textures. I like brushed aluminum, computer keys, warm metal, paper, etc.
• repetitive routines/rituals: I fall apart without my routines. I almost can't sleep without watching Star Trek first. The soothing background noise on the Enterprise in The Next Generation calms me greatly.
• eccentric personality/style: Have you seen me? Yeah.
• strong sensory sensitivity: I find this to be the biggest part of being an Aspergirl. Every moment of every day I try to control my sensory input. I won't go to shows unless I know I like the music. I've taken to wearing earbuds when I go to movies, as they're often too loud for me. I'm constantly turning up and down the TV so that it's "perfect". I can't stand the sound of dishes clanking together. On days when I'm having a really hard time getting out of the house for work, I wear really comfortable layers and hide within the softness in order to create a buffer with the outside world. I frequently feel as if I don't want to be "seen". I like to have music going at all times, but I have to choose the music and the volume level myself. If I could always have headphones on in public, I'd function a LOT better in social situations. The only time I feel empowered/capable is while listening to music. Often I am overwhelmed by emotions portrayed in pop culture and I can't continue watching something that upsets me, especially if an image upsets me, I'll experience it over and over again in my mind for hours after seeing it. I can also be intensely distracted by an aspect of someone's appearance on a show or movie I'd otherwise enjoy and have to stop watching. For example, I can barely look at Courtney Cox on Friends because I know how much she'll fuck up her face later. Even though she was beautiful on Friends and I love her character as Monica, I can barely look at her with flashes of her new alien face flashing in my head.  
• attachment to animals and/or inanimate objects over people: I have NO problem bonding with animals and electronics, its people I have difficulty understanding.
• being in "their own world": I am CONSTANTLY fighting this at work. I have to remind myself to do my job constantly, because it's very easy to daydream in reference.
• can spend hours in a library researching: but the problem here is that I can only spend hours researching something I care about. If someone asks me to help them on their family history, forget about it. I don't fucking care and I have a hard time pretending I do.
• unusual preoccupations
• hard time saying "i love you" or showing affection: I have a very hard time with this. I assume that those I am close to know how much I care about them because I tolerate their presence. I am aware how this sounds, and I try to be more engaging, especially in my marriage, but it is a conscious effort.
• need to withdraw into solitude frequently: I would prefer to spend about 75% of my time alone (with animals and internet connectivity with other humans).
• attention narrowly focused on their own interests: I really only light up in a conversation when something interests me personally. I have a hard time remembering to ask what's going on with the person I'm speaking to. I tend to befriend people who entertain me, as well. If you bore me, I probably won't engage with you often.
• shuts down in social situations: if I feel like I'm not in control or can't predict something in a social situation, I probably won't even be there, let alone engage. I will probably leave a situation immediately if I can't find a calm, comfortable, clean place to sit. Although, if I was allowed to supply the music, I could probably handle any environment/social atmosphere.
• rigid social behavior due to inability to adapt to social spontaneity
• has a compulsive need to inform which can come off as blunt/rude: This is very true. I have unintentionally hurt people MANY times with my bluntness. Often the reason I am mute in social interactions is because I'm attempting to censor/translate/sift my initial reactions. If I spoke what first came into my mind, I'd sound like Cordelia or Anya on Buffy or Sheldon from Big Bang Theory.
• great difficulty with small-talk: I abhor bullshitting. I am incapable of it and I find you fake if you engage in it. I don't get it at all. One of the reasons I don't say "i love you" often is because I want to genuinely FEEL it at the moment I'm saying it. I feel the same about conversation. I don't want to say something unless it's genuine. My expectations, therefore, for what is "genuine" are extremely rigid.
• can appear younger than age in dress, actions, etc: I never understand what people mean when they say a 40-year-old woman can't wear certain things. I don't agree with that at all. I wear the same clothes I did in middle school (sometimes literally the same exact articles of clothing). If I like it and fit into it, I'll wear it until it falls apart.
• will not spend a lot of time grooming: My hair has to be no-maintenance. I only bathe every other day. I only wash my hair once or twice a week and only brush it once every two weeks or so. I don't spend much time looking in the mirror. As long as my zits don't need to be popped and my self/clothes are relatively clean, I'm good to go. 
• androgynous (hates gender roles): This is a big one. I hate gendered expectations/roles. One of the reasons I'm obsessed with drag is because I like when people play with gender.
• enjoys reading scifi/fantasy
• may find employment daunting: It is a struggle almost every day for me to go to work. I accomplish it and have held down a job for 9 years, but it's only part time and I don't think I'd ever be able to handle full time work. 
• highly intelligent, yet sometimes can be slow to comprehend due to sensory and cognitive processing issues. Will not do well with verbal instruction--needs to write down or draw diagram: there are several times at work where I will have to ask again and again the same questions about how to do something. I WILL NOT remember until I write it down.
• due to sensory issues, can be overwhelmed by sex: it takes a LOT of emotional energy for me to have sex. It feels like a total body overtaking and it is a huge gesture of love for me to engage in sex. I feel like I will "never be enough" in this category. This is the #1 issue in my romantic relationships. All sensory stimuli have to be in perfect alignment for me to be "in the mood". It's very difficult for anyone attempting to have a romantic relationship with me. I feel a lot of guilt about this issue as well. 
• words and actions often misunderstood by others: like all misfits, I feel misunderstood almost all the time

I already feel very exhausted by exposing all of this. I made a sort of Asperger's announcement on Facebook, but have gotten hardly any response. I guess people don't know what to say? Some close friends/family have said that I don't need a label and they don't think of me as different, but I don't really believe that. I think they're trying to be nice. I feel VERY at odds with people ALL the time. Surely I stand out, socially. I don't understand why they can't tell me the truth. But right now I feel like I DO need a label. I like having an explanation for why I am such a pariah. I really like connecting with people, but I don't want to do it in the way most people do. And I usually can't relate in the way others do. Sensory issues are always with me. Currently, I'm torn between how much of this Aspergian stuff I can work around, how much to use as excuses for things I've always thought I should "get over", like what's the line between acceptance and excuses? On the one hand, it's really great to feel more self-acceptance for all these things I've always thought were "problems" I had, but how do I know when to accept and when that acceptance becomes an excuse, if that makes sense.

Anyway, that's my freestyle rant on being an Aspergirl. I'm happy for the distinction, and I feel I am understanding myself, forgiving myself more than I've ever been able to do. This is a crux of change. This is a moment of precipice and what do I do now? I'm flailing madly between certain/uncertainty.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Superstar.

episode 73.
airdate: 4 Apr 2000.

This episode is fun and fluff, really. A nice break from Adam/Buffy/Riley dramadramadrama. A palette-cleanser after that whole Buffy/Faith debacle.

Jonathan, dweeb from high school, is the hero in an alternate universe. Even the credits are altered with clips of Jonathan kicking ass a bunch. This is a pretty cut and dry episode, really. Jonathan was always a little effed up (he almost killed himself in "Earshot") and underappreciated/beat up as a nerdy kid. So he does a spell to become the best of everything. He beats Buffy at slaying, beats Giles at chess, and is even a sexy musician. There's a James Bond-y theme and everything.

Spike calls Buffy "fluffy battle kitten" and "Betty". Everything else in the universe is intact, all the Adam/Initiative stuff is the same, etc, it's just Jonathan has been added and and everyone is unnaturally obsessed with him and a little less actualized than they normally are. Buffy is even dressing more juvenile and insecure-like with barrettes and weird fringey jackets.

Adam's the only one not fooled by the Jonathan spell. Tara gets chased by a beasty that was a side effect of Jonathan's spell. No magic without consequences and all that. I like Buffy with curly hair. She's kind of catching on. She calls a meeting at Giles', which is a first without Jonathan. He usually leads the meetings in this universe, apparently.

Jonathan and Buffy fight the demon together. Jonathan knows if the demon is destroyed the world will go back as it was, but he lets it happen, because he's essentially a good guy. He could have pushed her off a cliff, but he doesn't. She defeats the demon. Fluff episode endeth.

Commentary (by Jane Espenson) notes added 5.12.13: Little tidbit during the teaser: Anya didn't react when Xander said "bunnies". One thing that is kind of cool about the writers and directors talking about little hitches in their writing is that I see how all of this came together. With pitfalls and multiple writers and little inputs from actors, etc. It took a village to make Buffy, it really did. So, that (a bit) takes the pressure off me when I start writing fiction, which may still be a long way off. I have NO IDEA how to go about it yet, but I'm hearing these writers say they knew they had to get Buffy mad at Dawn in an episode, and then had to write the circumstances for how. Everything in plot seems to begin as a skeleton that later gets muscle and flesh. Edit, edit, edit. That's cool, I think. To see the process and know that perhaps fiction isn't as far out of my grasp as I believe it to be. If only I had begun this process before the age of 30. Perhaps I would have if 2005 and 2011 hadn't happened. Perhaps I would be where I am now at 27 instead of 30. Or even earlier 20s if I hadn't spent soooo many years trying to be a "good girlfriend" to several unworthy men. They weren't unworthy in general, but all people are unworthy of your full attention at all times. Anyway, back to commentary notes.

Except, I'm at the end now and have had nothing to say so far. It wasn't a boring commentary, but just not one I want to comment upon. 

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Who Are You?

Episode 72.
airdate: 29 Feb 2000.

This episode is going to be difficult to write about, because it's SUCH a phenomenal display of television writing and really demonstrates Sarah Michelle Gellar's prowess as an actress. Joss Whedon really outdid himself with the themes/concept of what it would be like psychologically for these two women to switch bodies. Buffy gets to see what it feels like to be treated like a psychotic "bitch" and Faith is forever changed after being treated like a trusted "good" girl. Each could stand to be more like the other. It's not healthy to be as black and white as these two women are in comparison to one another. I'm getting ahead of myself, but this is probably one of my top ten favorite Buffy episodes, so I'm worried I won't do it justice.

Play.

I don't really understand what the Mayor was doing, I mean I guess he was giving Faith a fresh start by making it possible for her to get inside Buffy's body.

Willow finally explains to Tara that the reason she's keeping her a secret from her friends is because she likes having something that's just "mine". Tara says, "I am, you know...yours." Eeeeeeeee! Love that moment.

Ok, I need to get out of the way how I will speak of Faith and Buffy in this episode. I once saw an academic paper do it this way, so I will follow suit: when I'm speaking about Faith IN Buffy's body I will write FIB. When I speak of Buffy in Faith's body, BIF.

So, after being all weird with Joyce for a bit, FIB takes a bath, makes faces at herself in the mirror to get used to her new body, eeks as much cleavage as she can with Buffy's small cups, steals her passport, and books a flight with Joyce's credit card. Joyce gets a call from Giles to meet up at his place and FIB decides to go before she skips town.

Meanwhile, the police have BIF, but the Watcher's Council steal her from the cop car and take her into THEIR custody instead. They're planning to take her back to England to deal with her in Council territory. FIB meets Spike for the first time. She begins the episode declaring things "wrong" with sarcasm, but ends it with conviction, which is a nice nuance.

BIF gets her face spit into, bet that's never happened to Buffy before. Willow and Tara run into FIB at The Bronze. First time Tara's ever met Buffy, though you know, not really. She's mean to Tara. Willow notices a vampire, points him out to FIB, therefore FIB is obligated to kill him. When she does, the girl the vampire was feeding upon thanks her genuinely...this is a moment for FIB. She's not used to being thanked.

When Tara and Willow are alone, Tara explains, though she'd never met Buffy before tonight, that Buffy wasn't Buffy. "A person's energy has a flow, a unity. Buffy's was fragmented, grated, like something forced in where it doesn't belong." FIB goes to see Riley. She acts real weird asking him what he "wants to do to this body" etc and Riley stops her from the raw fucking thing and makes looooooove to her instead, so this is another pivotal moment for Faith. Tara and Willow are doing a sexy spell, as per usual. FIB sort of freaks after sex with Riley. He tells her he loves her and sticks around as she freaks out. She wanted to run, but she allows herself to be comforted by Riley.

Adam makes a speech, but I wasn't paying attention; thinking about the ramifications of someone having sex with your bf while in your body. That's pretty heavy, man. BIF is fighting the Council dudes and escaping in a big truck. FIB is at the airport.

I want to talk about clothing symbolism for a sec. When FIB first dressed after her bath at Joyce's, she put on leather pants and a black tank top. After her evening with Riley, she put on HIS shirt when she left his house in the morning. At the airport she's wearing light blues and a flowery skirt. She's obviously changing. I always notice clothing symbolism. I know it's such a simple thing, but I really like the effort.

BIF gets back into town and visits Giles, convincing him (eventually) that she is Buffy. Dushku isn't as good as Gellar, but she's not bad. The scene is really endearing (I'm trying not to say cute as much) between former Watcher and Slayer. Willow and Tara show up explaining the whole sitch after their sexy spell. They've conjured a remedy and Tara is introduced to the real Buffy, still BIF of course. So now they just need to find FIB and switch back bodies. They find out, both FIB and BIF via news broadcast, that some vampires are holding a church-full of people hostage. They both go to save the day, FIB leaving the airport (and her escape) to do so. Virtue! FIB is acting a lot like the real Buffy now. BIF shows too as FIB is kicking ass.

They're now face to face, kicking each other's asses, as per usual. FIB starts deconstructing, beating herself up and calling herself disgusting. BIF switches them back and Faith runs. Buffy realizes Riley had sex with Faith. Buffy is hurt, but she looks contemplative. She understands where Faith is for the first time, even empathizes with her.

Faith's redemption has begun. So exciting! I love her story arc.